The Freedom of Letting Go

My mind was feverish with revenge. He had me. He owned me. My every waking moment was consumed by thoughts of our ugly little entanglement. The situation was driving me mad, but I was calm, CALM I tell you!

This is a story about what happens when other people have the gall to not follow through on the plans we make for them—and how to see that no one takes our power from us unless we give it away.

Like so many others, our relationship started on the internet. I answered an ad…for cheap software. I needed it. He had it—or so he said. All I had to do was give him $48.75 up front. So I gave him the money. Plus tax. At first I felt that endorphin rush you get when you see your plans for another person taking shape. I smugly surmised that together we had beaten the system, and I was feeling pretty, pretty good. Sure, today it was just software, but maybe later he could give me so much more.

Then he went radio silent. A few days passed, so I called. He didn’t answer. I texted, and he didn’t answer. I tweeted and Facebooked and even considered resorting to a singing telegram, but it was all for naught. No contact, no software, no nada. My expectations—dashed. Wanting to get what I wanted from the relationship had made me willing to ignore all the warning signs. Even still, I clung to the idea that if I could only catch his attention he’d see I’m a great gal. We were gonna be good, we were gonna make it, “C’mon baby, bring mama some of that software.” But nothing.

Wanting to get what I wanted from the relationship had made me willing to ignore all the warning signs.

That’s when I started to get desperate. I tried every ruse I could think of to get his attention, and I know plenty. I devised a convoluted scheme where a friend of mine pretended to be a potential “customer”—no go. I can still imagine his scathing laughter at my amateurish efforts. Fortunately, I have a 20-year mindfulness practice. So I just kept returning to the breath, over and over. And each time, the same message rang clear and deep in my heart: Give. Me. My. Software!!! I want software! Over and over, building to a brain-whirling crescendo until, in a flash, enlightenment!

I suddenly realized that I had put myself in a chokehold. I thought about this man and his broken promises morning, noon, and night. And as I chased him in the name of justice, focusing every drop of consciousness on my indignation, I essentially duct-taped myself to him. I sat with this awareness for a while. I scanned my body, noticing places here and there that seemed to tighten or clench or respond any way at all when I thought about the situation. I let myself notice thoughts like, “I’ve been wronged and it isn’t fair!” I noticed that I felt hurt, outraged, and embarrassed. Grrrr! I kept breathing and feeling it all, as best I could, without trying to solve anything.

I started to reflect on my past, on times when I’d experienced similar sticky situations—usually involving romantic partners. In those scenarios I adopted a willful blindness so I could hold on. I ignored how much pain came along with refusing to let go of what was already gone. In this case what was gone was my money, and a man who offered me things that were too good to be true. I ran the cost–benefit analysis: I could hold on and suffer, or I could let go.

I took a decisive breath, felt my feet on the ground, and dialed his number. Amazingly, after what felt like a thousand years of silence, this time he answered. I told him he owed me nothing, we were now completely square. I thanked him for all he had done for me. I wished him well, and actually meant it. I thanked him again and hung up. And I was free! And it felt great!

Letting go doesn’t mean getting what you want, or even what you feel you deserve. Letting go simply offers sweet, sweet freedom.

This article originally appeared in the October 2016 issue of Mindful magazine.

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The Wings of Awakening – Self-Honesty & Love (retreat talk) - Tara Brach

The Wings of Awakening – Self-Honesty and Love (retreat talk)

We evolve our consciousness by bringing a clear and kind attention to the tangles of suffering. This talk explores how the “second arrow” of self-judgment imprisons us in emotional reactivity, and the pathways of awakening awareness that reconnect us with our full human potential. (This talk was given at the 2016 IMCW fall retreat.)

photo: Jon McRay

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How to Practice the Art of Being Present

I’ve often experimented with ways to weave mindfulness practice into the speed and hubbub of daily life. The premise is simple: mindfulness meets the moment, the result is being present, and that can’t be bad. It also has the benefit of undermining that recurring thought “shouldn’t I be setting aside some more time for my mindfulness practice?”

Bringing mindfulness to the activities we already choose to include in our lives is a great way to start. Many of these activities—gardening, running, biking, and swimming come to mind though the list is long—already have a kind of natural quiet to them. So it’s not a big leap, and it can be time well spent in more ways than one.

When we bring mindfulness into our daily routines (dishes, laundry, eating) what we’re doing is bringing a bit more focus to each moment. Without that focus, the things we routinely do around the house or at the office tend to be part of our “accomplishing self,” that part of our selves that is goal-oriented and constantly checking off a to-do list. It’s hard to be mindful when your activities are only part of a bigger plan to get things done.

For example, when washing the dishes is just part of “cleaning up the kitchen,” it makes it harder to be with that one moment fully. We tend to rush to get things done in order to get to the next task. And it’s when we’re in this “doing” mode that we can easily start cycling through the to-do list rather than being with what’s happening in the moment.

I especially like the practice of bringing mindfulness into a daily routine when that routine includes other people, like having lunch or holding a meeting. It reminds me that we don’t have to be alone to bring our awareness into whatever we’re doing in the moment.

Being mindful isn’t simply the outcome of doing a regular more “formal” practice, a prize, so to speak, that we get for being dutiful. It isn’t a byproduct of something we did before; it’s just what we’re doing now.

When I’m ready for a bigger challenge, I play with bringing my awareness to those times when I get triggered. I recognize these moments when my reaction to the trigger brings a churning stomach and racing heartbeat, and next thing I know I’m in the middle of an angry moment before I know what hit me. During one very busy time in my life the trigger was the seemingly innocuous ring of my telephone, which I was sure was one more person calling to demand one more thing of me.

Bringing mindfulness practice into the trigger moments of our every day life is like going mano-a-mano, so to speak; it’s a very energetic practice. It’s also a helpful reminder that mindfulness practice isn’t always being passive or predictably serene. It’s not just about the happy or “clear moments” but about the tough ones too. And nowadays we seem to have a pretty steady diet of tough moments, so it’s good to have a little help with them.

Another main benefit of the “art of being present” is that it reminds me that mindfulness is both a practice and a simple way of being. Being mindful isn’t simply the outcome of doing a regular more “formal” practice, a prize, so to speak, that we get for being dutiful. It isn’t a byproduct of something we did before; it’s just what we’re doing now.

At the same time, clearly it’s not about one form of practice versus the other, not about bringing mindfulness into our daily life rather than setting aside time to sit quietly. It’s about how one can energize the other and about how the two work together to create a continuity of awareness. And that can really help with those hectic times in life. Try it and see for yourself.

The ART of Being Present

There are many ways to bring mindfulness into your daily life, even when you don’t have a chance to sit down in a quiet place. We call this the “ART” of being present.

Activities. Bring mindfulness into the activities you do and love, like gardening, running, biking, swimming…

Routines. Chose one of your daily routines bring mindfulness to it: folding clothes, washing dishes, vacuuming, walking to work, eating lunch.

Triggers. We all have things that set us off: snarky emails, annoying colleagues, mindless drivers. Choose one and decide to replace your angry reaction with the flash of being present.

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Now What?

Here’s what I know from my practice.

I know that:

1. Things change. Emotions change, thoughts change, the breath changes. Nothing is static. And ideologies change; political movements come and go. And if I try to hold on to the way I think things are supposed to be, I will surely suffer.
2. That doesn’t mean I can’t have opinions. It is not UN-mindful to deeply want the world to be a certain way.
3. It’s normal to feel any emotion right now: despair, betrayal, outrage, loss… Someone else is feeling elation, joy, and righteousness. Or maybe you’re feeling nothing—shock or numbness. Mindfulness tells us to be open to any emotion as it is part of the human condition. But the more important question is, how can I practice with it?
4. Practicing with my emotions means—feeling them in my body in vivo. Can I feel my stomach clenched? Can I feel my heart racing? What is happening right in this moment, in my body? When I can feel it, without trying to change it, I can allow the emotion to be. I can make space for it, without getting overwhelmed.
5. The same with thoughts: When I’m entangled in my worries for my child, or my worst-case scenarios, I can remember to return to the present moment. What do I feel right here, right now? My toes on the floor. My breath in my belly. That’s all there is right now. I can prevent thoughts from snowballing out of control just by returning to the present moment.
6. Equanimity—balance and even-mindedness are the fruit of mindfulness practice. The more I sit with my inner experience without reactivity, the more I foster resilience in the face of whatever life brings.
   

   The more I sit with my inner experience without reactivity, the more I foster resilience in the face of whatever life brings.

7. This does not mean I don’t act. That is a misunderstanding. It means that I do act, but act with awareness. When I act out of anger or fear, I’m not usually happy with the results. I know this. Acting from equanimity leads to wiser and more skillful actions. But I need to take my time with this. Appropriate action may not be evident immediately.
8. Peace begins with me. The peace activist A.J Muste said “There is no way to peace, peace is the way.” The only way to promote peace is to be it. Now. Through my practice.
9. Having my meditation practice is the single healthiest thing I can do right now. Having a place to cultivate more capacity to accept change, work with my emotions and thoughts, and cultivate equanimity is what is going to get me through.
10. When I’m filled with despair, I can bring to mind counter examples of human goodness and kindness, which are countless. Today I am moved by this quote from the late historian Howard Zinn:
    
    “To be hopeful in bad times is not just foolishly romantic. It is based on the fact that human history is a history not only of cruelty, but also of compassion, sacrifice, courage, kindness. What we choose to emphasize in this complex history will determine our lives. If we see only the worst, it destroys our capacity to do something, If we remember those times and places — and there are so many — where people have behaved magnificently, this gives us the energy to act, and at least the possibility of sending this spinning top of a world in a different direction. And if we do act, in however a small way, we don’t have to wait for some grand utopian future. The future is an infinite succession of presents, and to live now as we think human beings should live, in defiance of all that is bad around us, is itself a marvelous victory.”

 

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Breathe! Today and Every Day

Presidential elections in the United States go on for years, and as the months mount up the intensity increases. The blizzard of words, and polarizing ideas and positions, becomes overwhelming. Emotions reach a fever pitch, culminating in one night and its long aftermath. This time around, these two years were filled with hateful and hate-filled speech, and the polarities were never more stark. In the wee hours of this morning, half the country found fulfillment of their wishes and half the country fell into shock and despair.

When a divide is this stark, it is a hard time for everyone. For a little while, winners can enjoy some elation, but in the end they still must make a world together with those they have defeated. For the defeated, it is hard to know how even to move when you wake up into a world in which your hopes are so thoroughly dashed. It can feel very empty.

What Can We Do?

The teachings and practices of mindfulness, awareness, kindness, and compassion are never more helpful and relevant than in trying times.

• We all can take a few moments here and there to let our thoughts be and to allow them not to be so solid, by paying attention to our breathe and body.
• We can take a few moments to be aware of our emotions and how they actually feel, and to ride them and navigate them, the better to respond rather than react and over-react.
• We can open our hearts and minds to others—be they allies or adversaries—and listen and try to understand their motivations, how they see life and their future in it.

In the end, we do not fashion a world by ourselves. We do it together with others. Spaceship Earth has no escape hatches. Living together in a human community is very, very challenging. Tapping into the mindfulness we all have within, that we all ultimately share, can help us to find the resilience to meet the challenge.

When we’re knocked down, we can get up, take a pause, and put one foot tentatively in front of the other. We have no other choice but to live in this moment—whatever it brings. Let’s all take a moment to breathe, to look around at our world, and our fellow human beings, and move forward.

 

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4 Ways to Mindfully Prevent Office Burnout

In 2007 I collapsed from exhaustion at an event that I was producing. It was the culmination of far too many hours working, the lifestyle choices I was making (and not making), and the always-present stress of trying to be “perfect” at my job.

My doctor said my body was in adrenal fatigue and that my career was killing me. His advice? Get a new job. I knew that wasn’t the “right” conversation—yet I didn’t know what was. I chose to stay on, but went deeper into my own mindfulness practice to try to understand what had happened.

Over the next year, I discovered that the right conversation sits in the knowledge there is a choice regarding the type of relationship you want to create with your work.

For those of you flirting with burnout, you are not alone. According to the American Institute of Stress, 80% of people feel stress at work. The US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reports that 75% of all doctors’ visits are stress-related.

There is hope, however. And it comes down to being present to what’s happening in your life, and acting with mindful intention to make some changes.

Burnout is not so much about the specifics of your job. It’s mostly about the choices you make (and don’t make) about how you want to live. Being aware of these choices, and approaching the inherent stressors in any job with mindfulness and clear purpose can transform our relationship with stress—and put work in its place. To start, here are some actions you can take in this moment to start to redefine your relationship with work.

1) Define the core issues

Can you pinpoint what causes the overwhelm? Is it a capacity issue? Do you have more work than hours to complete? Is it a skill issue? Is there a gap in the skills you have versus what is required? Is it a communication issue? Are you able to share what’s causing stress? This is your first step: Collect all the relevant data so you know where to focus solutions.

2) One step at a time

You didn’t arrive at burnout overnight, and the process to undo some of the habits you created will take time. Pick one behavior right now that you can consciously begin to shift. For example, create clear start and end times for work each day. The flexibility that technology and remote working offer can be overwhelming and contribute to burnout if boundaries between work and non-work time are not well-established.

3) Befriend your body

How do you hold stress? Maybe you grind your teeth at night, experience a knot of tension in your neck, or have trouble staying asleep. Now think about what helps you to unwind. Taking a lunchtime walk outside, going for a post-work run, or getting a weekly massage, as examples. Regularly tune into your body so that you can recognize the earliest signs that stress is present, and take the preventive actions you’ve identified to work through it before it overwhelms.

4) Share what you need

Professional stress can be extremely isolating; we often withdraw in order to “deal with” work issues on our own. But letting the people in your life know what you need to feel supported is essential for putting things in perspective and managing stress. None of us can do it all alone. Your colleagues and loved ones won’t know how to help if you don’t tell them.

 

This article originally appeared in the October 2016 issue of Mindful magazine.

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“Late Show” Host Stephen Colbert on Finding Focus and Embracing Stress

Stephen Colbert took over CBS’ The Late Show about a year ago, dropping the guise of the hot-headed character he played on The Colbert Report and introducing the audience to himself.

Last week, Colbert told Fresh Air‘s Terry Gross that he initially shied away from discussing political events on the show in order to distinguish himself from his old character, trading lengthy opening monologues about news and current affairs for high-kicks with bandleader Jon Batiste.

But that changed in recent months.

“It took me almost half a year to realize … that you can have a highly opinionated, highly topical show as yourself and not essentially fall back into the basket of The Colbert Report,” he says. “Now I have no qualms about being sharp and satirical and highly opinionated and saying whatever’s on my mind as quickly as I can.”

Colbert’s Tuesday evening show will be pre-empted by CBS News coverage, so he’ll be hosting a special: Stephen Colbert’s Live Election Night Democracy’s Series Finale: Who’s Going To Clean Up This S***? The segment promises guest starts, musical guests, election results, and more.

Interview Highlights:

Getting Rid of the High-Kicks
When the show first started, I thought, well, it’s a giant space, it’s a Broadway stage, what level of energy do I need to fill this space that is then captured by the camera? Because I used to do a show for the camera that the audience got to witness. Now I feel like I’m doing a show for the room that the cameras witness. My first choice was err on the side of energy, and then at a certain point I realized, that doesn’t actually translate over the camera and the audience is just as energetic whether I do that or not. So I started eliminating things and said, what’s left is you walking on the stage and doing jokes.

It’s an amazing space to be in, and you feel a great need to fill it. What you learn eventually—and this is something I knew intellectually but I had forgotten instinctually—is that you actually don’t need high energy to fill a large space. You need your own sense of presence and focus. You can bend an entire room by bending a paperclip if you’ve got the focus of the room and to accept that the audience, that you are their focus you don’t need to do high kicks, you just need to be there, present for them and then you’ve filled the entire room.

How Colbert Handles the Stress of the Job
You got to like the stress. … I don’t know how to attach a positive feeling to stress and pressure, but there is one. There’s a bulletproof feeling that comes over you, and it’s really a pleasant one, and you kind of have to like that. …

To do one of these jobs you got to kind of love the flaming toboggan ride of it.
—Stephen Colbert

To do one of these jobs, you got to kind of love the flaming toboggan ride of it. You got to like it because everybody else is in the toboggan with you. You’re doing it together, that’s the joy. Everybody is doing it together and at the end of it you go, ‘Hey! We survived! Pretty good show! Let’s do it again tomorrow.’

That’s it. It’s the movement forward, because it never stops. You gotta love the downhill hurtle. There’s no finish line. You got to just love missing all those trees that you could’ve hit today.

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