Thursday 30 June 2016

3 Mindful Things To Do Before You Fall Asleep

Do you find it difficult to get a decent night’s rest? Do you spend a good deal of the night tossing and turning? Then you might be among the ranks of the 30% of adults in the United States who are regularly sleep deprived, according to the Centers for Disease Control (CDC).

Fortunately, there’s a few key habits that can help you turn over a new leaf—or in this instance, a new pillowcase. As Jason Ong, a sleep psychologist at Rush University Medical Center reminds us: “Each night is a new night. Be open and try something different! What you have been doing to this point is probably not working well.”

Try these three mindful tips for a better night’s sleep and see what you notice:

Before you go to bed:

1. Say goodnight to your devices: The first thing we need to pay attention to is getting our screens out of the room. If you have your phone or a tablet lighting up your bedside table, it’s going to disturb your sleeping patterns. It’s best if it’s not in your room at all. It’s creating activity in your mind that you have to pay attention to.

2. Don’t force it: We have to stop trying to fall asleep. Our brains are too smart for that. The moment we’re trying to do something, we’re creating stress on top of it. So we don’t want to try and fall asleep. See if you can let go of the notion of trying to fall asleep at all.

3. Try a body scan meditation: Bring mindfulness into the sleep experience. You can do a gentle body scan practice where you’re being curious about just noticing sensations in your body and your breathing. When your attention wanders or becomes frustrated, see if you can just take note of that and gently come back to being with what’s here. When we allow ourselves to be with what’s here, the body naturally goes to rest, which is what it wants to do.

Elisha Goldstein, Ph.D. is hosting an online course to help people fully integrate mindfulness into their lives in a deep way in order to realize more enduring change. The in-depth 6-month online course called A Course in Mindful Living runs this September. Sign up now to join a community of people growing in confidence, calm, compassion and a life you love.

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Wednesday 29 June 2016

How You Argue Could Make You Sick

If you rage with frustration during a marital spat, watch your blood pressure. If you keep a stiff upper lip, watch your back.

New research from UC Berkeley and Northwestern University, based on how couples behave during conflicts, suggests outbursts of anger predict cardiovascular problems later in life.

Conversely, “stonewalling” during conflict—shutting down emotionally or withdrawing from the conversation—raises the risk of musculoskeletal ailments such as a bad back or stiff muscles.

“Our findings reveal a new level of precision in how emotions are linked to health, and how our behaviors over time can predict the development of negative health outcomes,” said UC Berkeley psychologist Robert Levenson, senior author of the study.

The study, published last month in the journal Emotion, is based on 20 years of data. It controlled for such factors as age, education, exercise, smoking, alcohol use, and caffeine consumption.

Overall, the link between emotions and health outcomes was most pronounced for husbands, but some of the key correlations were also found in wives. It did not take the researchers long to guess which spouses would develop ailments down the road based on how they reacted to disagreements.

“We looked at marital-conflict conversations that lasted just 15 minutes and could predict the development of health problems over 20 years for husbands based on the emotional behaviors that they showed during these 15 minutes,” said study lead author Claudia Haase, an assistant professor of human development and social policy at Northwestern University.

“Conflict happens in every marriage, but people deal with it in different ways. Some of us explode with anger; some of us shut down. Our study shows that these different emotional behaviors can predict the development of different health problems in the long run.”
—Lead author Claudia Haase

The findings could spur hotheaded people to consider such interventions as anger management, while people who withdraw during conflict might benefit from resisting the impulse to bottle up their emotions, the researchers said.

“Conflict happens in every marriage, but people deal with it in different ways. Some of us explode with anger; some of us shut down,” Haase said. “Our study shows that these different emotional behaviors can predict the development of different health problems in the long run.”

The study is one of several led by Levenson, who looks at the inner workings of long-term marriages. Participants are part of a group of 156 middle-aged and older heterosexual couples in the San Francisco Bay Area whose relationships Levenson and fellow researchers have tracked since 1989. The surviving spouses who participated in the study are now in their 60s, 70s, 80s, and even 90s.

Each five years, the couples were videotaped in a laboratory setting as they discussed events in their lives and areas of disagreement and enjoyment. Their interactions were rated by expert behavioral evaluators for a wide range of emotions and behaviors based on facial expressions, body language, and tone of voice. In addition, the spouses completed a battery of questionnaires that included a detailed assessment of specific health problems.

To track displays of anger, the researchers monitored the videotaped conversations for such behaviors as lips pressed together, knitted brows, tight jaws, and voices raised or lowered beyond their normal tone. To identify stonewalling behavior, they looked for what researchers refer to as “away” behavior, which includes facial stiffness, rigid neck muscles, and little or no eye contact. That data was then linked to health symptoms, measured every five years over a 20-year span.

The spouses who were observed during their conversations to fly off the handle more easily were at greater risk of developing chest pain, high blood pressure, and other cardiovascular problems over time. Alternately, those who stonewalled by barely speaking and avoiding eye contact were more likely to develop backaches, stiff necks or joints, and general muscle tension.

The study also looked at sadness and fear as predictors of these health outcomes, but did not find any significant associations.

“For years, we’ve known that negative emotions are associated with negative health outcomes, but this study dug deeper to find that specific emotions are linked to specific health problems,” Levenson said. “This is one of the many ways that our emotions provide a window for glimpsing important qualities of our future lives.”

How to Fight Right

Couples researcher John Gottman has identified four behaviors that partners exhibit during conflict that are destructive to relationships—including stonewalling. This exercise, based on his research, can help you have more productive disagreements.

This article originally appeared on Greater Good, the online magazine of UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center, one of Mindful’s partners. View the original article.

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Tuesday 28 June 2016

3 Ways to Escape the “Perfect Meditator” Trap

Sitting still in quiet and safety, well fed and sheltered, the mind is still quite capable of making an intense mess of the moment. We’re typically taken care of and in no danger while meditating, and yet can’t be peaceful or relaxed on command. The future looms, the past haunts, or the present may seem a complete muddle. If your mind adds that much stress to your life while sitting quietly, what does it do when life is actually confusing, hurtful, or unclear?

Many of these confounding habits undermine the mindfulness practice we’re trying to establish to work with them in the first place. If you’re a new meditator, someone has hopefully explained that nothing is going to happen right away, and that you can’t force yourself to have a quiet mind or feel relaxed.

But even so, you imagine yourself sitting perfectly still, blissfully at peace and that you’re going to do this for 30 minutes every day, without fail.

If you’re an experienced meditator, you might add a whole other layer: I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m still getting annoyed at people and I’m not that happy with my life lately even though I should know better, and I didn’t sit much the last few weeks like I should. I’m clearly not very good at it.

A perfectionistic voice telling you what your mindfulness practice “should” be instead of valuing what it is may undermine your determination to continue. Sitting in meditation creates an opportunity to notice it all and to choose a new path. Try practicing with the following things in mind:

1. Don’t Buy In

What would it mean to observe any of your patterns or inner commentary without buying into it for a few minutes? I’m restless, and I’m just going to be OK with being restless right now. We set out with the intention to sit, we get distracted from that plan, and we come back to our present awareness. That’s just how it goes.

What would it mean to observe any of your patterns or inner commentary without buying into it for a few minutes?

2. Nothing’s Perfect

There is no perfect mindfulness experience, always serene and on target, any more than there is a perfect life. Angst around boredom, rumination or, of course, perfectionism during meditation often reflects how our minds function day to day.

3. Keep Coming Back

Within your practice and in everyday life, notice the obstacle when it crops up—there’s perfectionism again, something isn’t as it “should” be. And then return to the next breath, moving forward, adapting, and coming back to your best intentions once again.

 

This article also appeared in the June 2016 issue of Mindful magazine.

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Friday 24 June 2016

The Beautiful and the Good

Of the many entries under the heading “life is not fair,” surely one of the most egregious is the “what is beautiful is good” stereotype. One of our strongest cognitive biases, it makes us ascribe to physically attractive people a formidable array of positive traits. According to studies going back 40 years, we assume that attractive adults are more competent, better adjusted, powerful, mentally healthy, intelligent, and more socially skilled than less attractive ones.

This “what is beautiful is good” stereotype manifests in a slew of real-life situations and is by no means a one-study wonder: it has been documented in piles of research. Taken as a whole, the studies show that this is one of the more robust cognitive biases operating in the human mind. It may also be one of the oldest. The Greek poet Sappho is credited with first asserting, 2,600 years ago, that “what is beautiful is good,” while in 1882 the German romantic poet Friedrich Schiller wrote that “physical beauty is the sign of an interior beauty, a spiritual and moral beauty.”

To conduct studies of attractiveness bias, researchers don’t try to solve the culturally laden mystery of why people in particular cultures find some faces “attractive” and others not. Their assumption is simply that in any given time and place, some faces are generally deemed beautiful, others are regarded as so-so, and still others as decidedly unattractive.

To probe whether people associate physical attractiveness with positive traits, they determine which faces those in a particular study—urban, educated Westerners living in the early 21st century, say, or rural-dwelling Japanese in the late 20th century—will find attractive. To do that, they ask a panel of adults from the same demographic to score faces—science’s version of “who’s hot and who’s not.”

Once people have decided that an individual is attractive, the mental gates are thrown open to a plethora of beliefs and assumptions. In a groundbreaking 1972 study, people guessed that attractive strangers possessed a range of desirable personality traits, venturing that they were probably sincere, honest, altruistic, exciting, genuine, warm, sociable, kind, and more. The subjects also expected the attractive strangers’ lives to be happier and more successful than those of less attractive strangers.

Studies have found that people are more willing to help attractive people and even give them more room on sidewalks. Attractive defendants are less likely to be convicted, and when they are, they get more lenient sentences.

In studies where participants did not know they were part of a research project, people were more willing to help an attractive person than a homely one mail a university application and donated more to attractive people who had an emergency. Subsequent studies have found that we even give attractive people more room on sidewalks, are less likely to ask them for identification when they want to purchase alcohol, and, in mock rape trials, are less likely to judge them guilty. In real life, attractive defendants get more lenient sentences, according to studies going back to the 1980s.

Something more than cultural learning is going on here, since even babies manifest a version of the beautiful-isgood stereotype. In one classic study, researchers led by psychologist Judith Langlois of the University of Texas at Austin showed one-year-olds a cartoon in which a ball trying to climb a hill is helped or hindered by a square. Just outside the frame of the cartoon were two photos of faces, one beautiful and one not. When the square was helpful, the little kids’ eyes shot to the pretty face. When the square blocked the ball, they looked at the ugly face, apparently associating positive events with attractive people and negative ones with unattractive ones.

Why do our minds work this way? One clue is that babies as young as two months old prefer to look at attractive faces, found Langlois. At that age, children haven’t had much opportunity to absorb their culture’s aesthetic ideals; it’s probably safe to say they haven’t been exposed to America’s Next Top Model yet. Instead, the preference might reflect something about the mind’s information-processing machinery: that the mind prefers objects that require the least processing effort by the visual regions of the brain.

And attractive faces are easy on the brain. Both preschoolers and adults can identify an attractive face—that is, they can tell that it is indeed a face and not, say, a plate of fruit—more quickly than they can correctly categorize ugly faces. When Langlois displayed faces that had been manipulated by a computer to be unattractive, adults and kids both took a few fractions of a second longer to recognize the unattractive faces as faces than to do so for attractive ones.

This lends support to the idea that processing homely faces requires more cognitive resources than processing pretty ones, but Langlois and her colleagues then got even stronger evidence: when they measured the electrical activity in the brains of adults and four-month-olds, they found higher activity when the participants looked at unattractive faces. It is a rule of thumb in neuroscience that higher brain activity during a task is a marker of more effort being expended.

If beautiful faces take fewer cognitive resources to process, as this research suggests, that may lay the foundation for the beautiful-is-good effect. “When something is good in one measure,” says psychologist Lihi Segal-Caspi of Israel’s Open University, “we attribute other good traits to it.”

Oddly, research on the beautiful-is-good stereotype hadn’t gotten around to asking if it’s accurate. Maybe beautiful people truly are kinder, more sociable, conscientious, and all the rest? One could imagine that being beautiful in a society that values beauty might give you the self-confidence to be sociable and open to novel experiences, as well as the positive life experiences to be conscientious.

To probe how well the positive traits we ascribe to beautiful people correspond to reality, scientists in Israel ran a study in which they recruited 118 female college students to play “targets” and 118 students (of both sexes) to be “judges.” Each target entered a room, walked around a table, and read a weather forecast. Each judge watched a videotape of this and then evaluated the target’s attractiveness and guessed her personality traits.

Women rated as attractive “were perceived as having more socially desirable personality traits, such as being agreeable, extroverted, open to experience, and conscientious,” said Segal-Caspi, who led the study. Score another for the what-is-beautiful-is-good stereotype.

But were the judges correct? No. When the researchers compared the targets’ actual (self-reported) traits to judges’ guesses about them, it was one big mismatch, the researchers reported last year in the journal Psychological Science. Attractive women were no more likely to have desirable personality traits, though the judges believed they did. “Attractive and less attractive women didn’t differ in their personality traits,” says Segal-Caspi.

We may not be able to stop our minds from making the illogical beautiful = good leap, but being aware of this deeply ingrained habit of thought can be the first step in reining it in. This isn’t just about fairness; it’s also about not being snookered—by the attractive used-car dealer steering us toward a lemon or the gorgeous saleswoman on the verge of saddling us with a four-figure pair of sunglasses. Knowing about the mind’s cognitive biases gives us a chance to override them.

This article also appeared in the August 2013 issue of Mindful magazine.

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Reconnecting with Our Lives – Healing from Dissociation - Tara Brach

Dissociation is the universal mechanism for pulling away from the pain of “too much.” While it’s necessary and natural for enduring certain situations, the ongoing habit of dissociation cuts us off from our full aliveness, creativity, and capacity for love. This talk explores the process by which we disconnect from our bodies and feelings – individually and collectively – and the practices that directly enable us to include the “unlived life” – the fear and shame, passion and loneliness – that we’ve pushed away. By including the raw energies we’ve been avoiding, we come home to a fullness that can embrace others and the whole of life.

A beautiful example of connection from YouTube:
“Look Beyond Borders – 4 minute experiment”
https://youtu.be/f7XhrXUoD6U

Your support enables us to continue to offer these talks freely. If you value them, I hope you will consider offering a donation at this time at www.tarabrach.com/donation/. With gratitude and love, Tara

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3 Mindful Things to Do When You Get Home from Work

When we’re at work—especially on a Friday—home is not far from our minds. We yearn for some down time, and the relaxation that comes from being with friends, family, or just resting by ourselves. But as the work day comes to an end, maybe we get stuck in rush-hour traffic, or we have to run a few errands that take more time than we’d like, and that picture-perfect Friday starts to dissipate. We arrive at our doorstep exhausted and irritated, and another night seems to fly by without us really noticing.

Bringing mindfulness to this experience can help us savor and appreciate the final hours of the day. You made it through the week, and you deserve a happy hour (or three!).

Bring these three mindful tips home with you and see what you notice.

When you get home from work:

1. Set your intention: Before you even step foot in the door, take a deep breath, soften your body as a way of becoming present, and take some time to think about how you want this evening to unfold. Do you want to spend time with your family? Do you want to relax in another way?

2. Hug something: It could be an animal, a loved one, or if there’s no one else there, curl up in a ball and hug yourself. Hugging allows us to feel connected, soothes the body, and it sets us up to feel good for the rest of the evening.

3. Control your environment: Put on some soothing or playful music, bring some play into your environment, or put on some candles if you want it to be a relaxing evening.

 

Elisha Goldstein, Ph.D. is hosting an online course to help people fully integrate mindfulness into their lives in a deep way in order to realize more enduring change. The in-depth 6-month online course called  Course in Mindful Living runs this September. Sign up now to join a community of people growing in confidence, calm, compassion and a life you love.

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The Mindful Survey: Time to Get Away!

What’s your ideal vacation?

35% Prefer to explore new cultures by getting to know locals, and 19% just want to lounge on the beach with unlimited food and drink. 11% choose the best of both worlds, exploring new cultures while staying at a fancy hotel. 8% like to trek through mountains with only a backpack. 3% opt for the staycation, complete with PJs, TV, blankets, and snacks. So many great options!

Where do you go when you eat out on vacation?

84% Eat at where the locals eat, while 9% seek out fine dining whenever possible. 3% opt for an all-inclusive resort so they don’t have to think about it, 2% look for a recognizable chain restaurant, and 2% go the adventurous route, grabbing something from a street cart.

What continent do you spend most vacations on?

graphic: map of where people spend most of their vacation time

What’s one lesson you’ve learned about vacations from your personal experience?

• “No vacation is perfect. Vacation disasters make wonderful stories about grit and survival.”

• “Party all the time.”

• “Never stick to a plan. Be flexible—the most wonderful things can happen.”

• “99% of the people you encounter  are kind, friendly, and ready to help.”

• “I won’t necessarily be more rested upon my return.”

• “YOU CAN’T CONTROL THE WEATHER!”

How many bags do you pack when you go on vacation?

52% Pack light, but ready for anything, with two bags. 36% go for three bags, packing a few extra items just in case. 9% choose the way of the backpacker, bringing just one bag, and 3% pack four or more, so they have all their stuff with them—useful if you fall in love with your vacation destination and decide never to return home.

After 5 years of NO vacation I went on a cruise and spent the first 48 hours in shock. Oh, what I’d been missing! Mindful helped me get back in touch with myself!”

How many vacations do you take per year?

Average 2.3

What’s the funniest thing that’s happened to you on vacation?

• “Finding a pile of acorns and nuts in my bed. I was in Yosemite and the squirrels apparently thought it was a good storage place :-).”

• “Walking through a field of sea iguanas.”

• “After being robbed at gunpoint in Mexico, the robbers gave me just enough money to get back to the US.”

• “My six-year-old son discovering the bidet in Japan.”

• “Being picked up by a garbage truck on a Sunday because the mass transit was not running.”

• “You don’t want to know.”

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Thursday 23 June 2016

Meditation: Know That You’re Here (19:58 min) - Tara Brach

We spend many moments in a trance, time traveling to the past and future, lost in a virtual reality. This meditation helps us collect our attention with our breath, awaken through the body, and open the senses. We then rest in the wakeful openness that includes changing experience, aware of the mystery and vividness of being Here.

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How to Grow from Your Regrets

Sometimes, regret is a deadweight that we carry through life, slowing us down and making our shoulders ache. But other times, it turns into a kind of fuel; it propels rather than hinders, motivates rather than distracts.

What’s the difference between these two outcomes? A new paper by researchers at UC Berkeley suggests that it might be self-compassion.

The researchers recruited 400 adults and invited a group of them to identify their biggest regret, then write about it with self-compassion and understanding. Some wrote about cheating on their partner; others wrote about becoming estranged from their parents. As a comparison, other participants journaled about their regrets from a perspective of self-esteem—focusing on their positive qualities, rather than their negative ones—and others described a hobby they enjoy (the control group).

In questionnaires administered afterward, participants who had taken a self-compassionate perspective toward their regrets reported more motivation for self-improvement compared to participants in the self-esteem and control groups. They were committed to avoid the same mistake in the future; they felt they had grown and learned from it.

But why? After the writing exercise, researchers also asked participants how much they accepted that the event had happened and forgave themselves for it, suspecting that these factors might be involved. And it turned out that acceptance indeed played a role: Compared with the other two groups, the participants practicing self-compassion were more accepting, and acceptance was in turn linked to more motivation to improve, even after controlling for self-forgiveness. (Forgiving yourself, meanwhile, didn’t seem to have any independent link to self-improvement.)

“Self-compassion appears to orient people to embrace their regret, and this willingness to remain in contact with their regret may afford people the opportunity to discover avenues for personal improvement,” the researchers write. In other words, when we’re more accepting of our regret, we can face it more fully and learn from it rather than being in denial. If we don’t acknowledge mistakes in the first place, after all, how are we supposed to avoid repeating them?

“Self-compassion appears to orient people to embrace their regret, and this willingness to remain in contact with their regret may afford people the opportunity to discover avenues for personal improvement,” the researchers write.

These findings suggest that anyone can benefit from practicing self-compassion toward their regrets, but people who are already self-compassionate are also in luck. According to two other studies the researchers conducted, people who are high in self-compassion—or who spontaneously write about their regrets with more self-compassion, without being instructed to do so—are rated as more motivated to improve by independent evaluators who read their writing. This is true even after controlling for self-esteem, again suggesting that self-compassion works in a distinct way.

If you’re carrying a burdensome regret, cultivating self-compassion may be easier than you think. In the first study, a simple prompt—“Imagine that you are talking to yourself about this regret from a compassionate and understanding perspective. What would you say?”—was enough to change participants’ state of mind.

The insight and intervention from this paper can be easily woven into daily life. The Self-Compassionate Letter is a writing practice that can be applied to regrets. It asks you to think about responding to yourself the way you would treat a friend. Everyone has regrets, and there may have been things in your life—your circumstances, your family, even your genes—that influenced whatever mistake you made at the time. You might also ponder what steps you can take to improve your situation—and avoid similar regrets in the future.

This article originally appeared on Greater Good, the online magazine of UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center, one of Mindful’s partners. View the original article.

 

 

 

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Stingy Brain, Generous Brain

Researchers often find that after several weeks of compassion meditation practice, people perform more acts of kindness and caring outside the lab, such as visiting a retirement home or telling a coworker what they appreciate about her. They also report more feelings of compassion toward suffering people. They act more kindly toward strangers. They become less subject to the “bystander effect,” whereby everyone assumes that someone else will step up and come to the aid of a stranger in need. They more readily offer an exhausted woman a chair, as occurred in a 2015 study at Stanford University’s Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education. Good news, right?

I’m skeptical. Scientists, like humans generally, fall into the trap of looking for explanations that suit them best. Meditation may indeed do all that is claimed. But has research really demonstrated that fact?

The way these studies are usually conducted, they cannot rule out two alternative explanations for the effects attributed to meditation. One is a placebo response: People who practice compassion meditation might believe it makes them kinder, better people—and expectation makes it so. The other possible explanation is a desire to please the researchers: If volunteers guess what effect the scientists are looking for, they may consciously or unconsciously produce it. In either case, meditation itself wouldn’t be doing what researchers think it is.

These questions were running through my mind when I encountered a 2016 study on compassion meditation and generosity by researchers at the University of Colorado, Boulder. In general, in compassion meditation, you focus on suffering individuals, then groups of suffering people, then all of suffering humanity. In each case, you express the wish that they be free from suffering. It has been a mystery what compassion meditation actually does to produce the compassionate behavior and thoughts. So when Colorado’s Yoni Ashar and his colleagues set out to “show how compassion meditation changes how we think and feel about suffering people”— which would presumably lead people to be more generous—their study design was unusually exacting.

Generosity wanes if people perceive the world as full of threats and looming scarcity rather than abundance and security.

They showed 200 participants fictional biographies and photographs of people in need. The volunteers rated the following: their feelings of warmth toward each suffering individual; how much distress they felt at the person’s situation; how much blame they felt the individual deserved for his plight; and how much the person would benefit from a donation.

The volunteers could then donate up to $1 to each of the sufferers. Contrary to the belief that distress makes people less generous by making them turn away from suffering to relieve their own discomfort, the researchers found that greater distress predicted greater generosity. But so did these factors: thinking the person was blameless; believing a donation would actually help; and feeling warmth toward the sufferer. Curiously, having values, interests, and demographic features in common didn’t make people more generous, the researchers reported in the journal Emotion.

That challenged a widespread idea that we’re more generous to People Like Us (PLUs). We might be. But if so, it’s because we feel greater warmth toward PLUs and are more likely to think they’re not to blame for their suffering, rather than because similarity directly triggers generosity.

For the compassion meditation part of the generosity study, 58 new participants listened to biographies of suffering people—an orphaned child, a cancer victim, a homeless veteran— and were asked how much of the $100 the researchers gave them they’d like to donate to the person whose story they just heard. Then the group was split in three: some listened again to one biography; others engaged in a guided compassion-meditation session every day for four weeks; the rest were given a placebo, a nasal spray they were told contained an empathy-increasing hormone (a.k.a. H2O).

The participants were asked again if they would like to donate up to $100 to the individual they most recently learned about. The meditators reported significantly more compassion (positive feelings toward those in need) than the “compassion placebo” group did, suggesting that this effect is a real, direct consequence of meditating. But the effect on generosity wasn’t straightforward. The meditating group did not make more generous donations after four weeks of daily compassion meditation than they had before—despite the increase in generosity-associated feelings. Ashar and his colleagues aren’t sure how to explain why feelings didn’t translate into behavior, but they find one ray of hope in the data: The meditators’ giving did not drop off as sharply as the other groups’ did (the familiar phenomenon of “donor fatigue”).

It’s surprising that fundamental questions about generosity—what thoughts and feelings trigger it?—are still unanswered. In a world of vast unmet needs, where figuring out how to bring out the best in people could go far to alleviate suffering, that’s a troubling knowledge gap. But researchers are making some headway. They are learning, for instance, that generosity does not seem to be an instinctive, default behavior: When experimenters gave one child three marbles and another just one, only one-third of the kids spontaneously evened things out, according to a 2015 report from Germany’s Max Planck Institute for Evolutionary Anthropology. Perhaps generosity is an emotional or cognitive skill that must be learned. If so, it might explain this: Although three-year-olds in societies as different as urban California and hunter-gathering Aka shared treats that scientists gave them only one-third of the time (and became less likely to be generous through age seven), as they got older their generosity matched the norms of their culture—more evidence that generosity is a skill that one learns…or doesn’t.

It is certainly possible to absorb lessons for or against generosity, said Notre Dame sociologist Christian Smith. But generosity wanes if people perceive the world as full of threats and looming scarcity rather than of abundance and security—one of the individual traits most predictive of individual generosity.

Smith’s research, along with similar research elsewhere, throws cold water on two commonly cited findings about generosity. One is that generous people are happier and healthier because they donate. Smith’s research suggests another explanation: Because generous people view the world as safe, secure, and abundant, their happiness might derive not from being generous but from a generally sunny outlook. A second myth: When people act generously, their brain’s reward circuitry becomes more active, therefore the very act of giving must make us feel good. Of course, it can. But a 2015 study by scientists at Caltech found a different explanation for reward circuits humming like crazy: They are furiously calculating whether to give and how good or bad they’ll feel about that decision.

Perhaps the strongest message from the science of generosity is that the more adversity someone has experienced, the more compassion she feels and the more generous she’s likely to be. I’m reminded of this every time I see someone who looks destitute drop a few coins into a panhandler’s cup while expensively dressed commuters rush past. That fits with Ashar’s conclusion that belief in the sufferer’s blamelessness and expecting a donation to make a difference predict generosity. Someone who knows what it is to suffer also knows how outside forces can land one in deep poverty through little fault of one’s own, and how wonderful it can be to have a dollar for a McDonald’s coffee.

 

 

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5 Reasons You’re Having a Hard Time Being Mindful

Every time I talk about mindfulness, I hear: “My brain is way too busy to be mindful.” “My ADD is so bad; I just can’t focus.” “The last thing I need is another item on my to-do list.” I understand. I really do. I get to the end of a shower with wet hair but I’ve been so preoccupied that I have no idea if I’ve washed it or not. I spill blueberries all over the kitchen floor and lose my keys and pinch my little girl’s chin into the buckle of her car seat because I’m just not paying attention. And yet I maintain that I practice mindfulness on a daily basis. How? Because I’ve learned not to define mindfulness too narrowly.

Here’s why you might be having a hard time getting started:

1. You don’t understand what it is.

Mindfulness isn’t about being perfectly present and focused at all times. It’s not about moving through life in a happy haze. Mindfulness is about choosing to pay attention to the moment with kindness and curiosity. It’s about noticing when your mind has wandered and bringing it back to what’s right in front of you.

2. You’re forgetting to be curious.

Sometimes the details of daily life aren’t all that enjoyable. Traffic is boring, your colleague at work is annoying, and the dishes have yet to wash themselves. But what if we stop wishing reality was different and got curious about it? We might not miss our freeway exit. We’d learn that our coworker is going through a messy divorce. We’d remember that we were up all night with a fussy kid and give ourselves a break. Life would feel a little bit easier.

3. You’re making it bigger than it needs to be.

You can notice a wandering mind in the shower or while you’re drinking your coffee. You can take a deep breath before you hit send or snap at your spouse. You can notice your breathing in line at the grocery store. And you can remember that no matter how spacey, forgetful, impulsive, or reactive you’ve been, you can always begin again.

4. You’re only practicing when you’re upset.

While mindfulness can certainly be helpful in difficult moments, our brains have a hard time learning or doing something new when they’re under stress. The more you practice paying attention to the present moment when you’re calm and happy, the easier and more effective it’ll be when you’re freaking out.

5. You’re trying to do it alone.

Our brains are wired to think, worry, remember, predict, plan, and regret. Mindfulness asks us to swim against the tide of these mental habits. We need support in this practice, with books, lectures, classes, and conversations with like-minded friends.

A longer version of this piece was originally published on Cognoscenti, WBUR.org’s ideas and opinion page. Reprinted with permission.

 

 

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Don’t Worry, Be Happy

“Happiness” is a loaded word: It’s loaded with expectations, hope, yearning, confusion…. You get the idea. What makes happiness feel so elusive usually has more to do with how you relate to the concept than with how you really feel. Here are a few simple adjustments that can help you unleash the happiness within yourself.

1. Be present

Awareness is the springboard from which we can appreciate the world around us. Set reminders in your phone throughout the day to pause and check in with yourself. By stepping into a space of curiosity you will discover an increased ability to notice happiness in everyday life.

2. Harness difficulty

As long as you’re alive, challenges will find you. Sometimes you probably even create challenges for yourself—we all do. Instead of getting down on yourself, try thinking of difficult moments as opportunities to ask yourself: How can I be kinder to myself right now?

3. Get connected

Connection is more than an experience—it’s also a skill that we can strengthen with small gestures. Try smiling at a stranger, tell a friend you appreciate them, or tell a loved one how much they mean to you. Create connection in the small moments of life.

4. Turn meaning into action

What in life really matters to you? Is it family, compassion, good friends, the environment? Take these values and turn them into verbs. If you value family, make a plan to put phones aside during dinner. If it’s the environment, consider volunteering with an organization.

5. Find purpose

Getting involved in something outside ourselves has the power to infuse our daily lives with meaning amid the drudgery. Every day, ask yourself these three questions:

1. What do I care about beyond myself?

2. What action can I take today that aligns with this?

3. In the long run, how will my actions affect the world?

Practice and repeat this over time and watch your sense of purpose grow.

6. Be generous

There is no experience more uplifting than giving. Practice being generous: tip the server a bit more than usual, give more to charity this month, or offer more of your time to friends, family, and strangers.

7. Forgive and let go

Lily Tomlin once said, “Forgiveness means letting go of the hope for a better past.” Letting go is hard. It’s also easy—we let go every single night when we go to bed. When we hold onto our mistakes or the mistakes of others, it only serves to stress us out, which has negative impacts on our minds, bodies, and relationships. Ask yourself, “Am I ready to let go of this burden?” If so, try breathing in and acknowledging the pain you feel, breathing out and releasing the burden.

illustration of brown bag of produce8. Overhaul your habits

We’ve all got habits we’d like to kick and if we could, we’d feel a lot happier. The key here is to focus on the reward you seek from any given habit. For instance, many of us snack on junk food to soothe stress. In that case, ask yourself: What else can you do in times of stress that is soothing?
Getting a hug can feel soothing. So can placing your hand on your heart. Practice understanding the rewards you seek from your habits, so over time you can develop healthier ones.

9. Nurture positivity

Most of us have a hard time receiving compliments and entertaining positive beliefs, especially when we’re stressed or unhappy. Choose a positive belief such as “I am skilled” and ask yourself:

1. Is it true? If your answer is “No,” then ask yourself:

2. Would someone else say it is true? Chances are, yes. Now, follow with:

3. If you were to accept this possibility, how would you feel?

If you then start experiencing any positive feelings, allow yourself to savor them for a few moments.

10. Make your body happy

If you look at a map of the nervous system, you’ll see it goes from the brain throughout the entire body—there is no separation. A healthier body means a healthier brain.
Listen to your body and notice how it needs to be treated, moved, and fed. Bringing more mindfulness to your body is a recipe for overall well-being.

11. Keep track of your joys

At the end of each day we are usually aware of the long list of bad things that happened. What if, instead, you focused on the joys? Make a list or write a journal entry about the things that bring you joy each day. It could be a smile a kind stranger gave you, the sweet smell of a flower you passed on the street, or the presence of a trusted friend or pet. The more you take note of what brings you joy, the more joy you’ll find in your everyday life.


Forgive, Investigate, and Invite

To uncover happiness we need to accept what’s difficult and learn to savor the good. But the truth is we often dwell in excessively negative thinking and self-judgment. When you lose sight of your intentions, remember to forgive yourself. Investigate what pulled you off track without judging yourself, and then invite yourself to begin again.

 

 

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We Are All Losers

Rushing to catch a plane, I lost my hat, a cherished hat, in an airport lounge. And now my hat is a file number in the Lost and Found system. And ever it shall remain. Maybe someone somewhere is wearing it. I hope so. I want them to enjoy it as much as I did.

Once again I was confronted by the silliness of how upset I was by losing some little possession. It’s not a crime to love a hat. But it’s doubly annoying to lose a trifling thing and be annoyed by losing it. It’s like Russian nesting dolls of annoyance. When does it stop? Why is it so hard to let go of the smallest things? We seem so attuned to gaining and getting. We are more down with addition and multiplication than subtraction, and division is worst of all.

And yet life offers up as much loss, separation, and breakage as gain and triumph. We avoid it with a vengeance. Perhaps because it is so hard. Hello is easier than goodbye. And the big goodbyes are hardest of all.

My sister’s son died suddenly recently. All death is untimely, some more than others, and it ripples widely; a lost son is a lost brother, nephew, cousin, partner, colleague, friend. At times of wrenching broken-heartedness, mindfulness can be powerfully helpful. It’s not an artificial device. It’s a very real anchor in a sea of turbulent emotions.

When my nephew died, I called Frank Ostaseski for a few words of solace. Frank attended to dying AIDS patients during the height of the crisis in San Francisco, and now as head of the Metta Institute he continues to work with the sick and dying, and those who care for them. Here’s a summation of what came out of our conversation:

Grieving is a fundamental process of life. We do not choose it. It rather chooses us. It’s not a one-time event. It’s a road we must travel on. It doesn’t follow clock time. It adheres to deeper rhythms. Regrets are common, thoughts of incompletion and unfinished business, struggles unresolved. These are illusory, clingy thoughts, but you can’t wrestle them to the ground and stamp them out. As they emerge, you can see them, and let them go. And do that each time they come back to visit.

Each of us has our light, what makes us loving and loveable. Each of us has our dark places, how we grapple with fear and pain—what can make us unbearable, at times even to ourselves. We have our griminess and our glory. But which are we, really? We are neither. We are not any of our parts. We are all of those parts. So, when you think of the loved one who has passed, embrace the whole person.

That’s a natural kind of mindfulness, where the very act of paying attention is the kindest thing to do, for others and for yourself.

 

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