Friday 13 November 2020

Why Personal Space Is A Good Thing in Marriage

Over the last six or so months, many couples have experienced the disappearance of space. We used to have business trips, gym sessions, outings with friends, and all sorts of other activities that provided the kind of physical space and separation needed in a healthy relationship. Now, because of lockdowns, quarantines, and social distancing measures, most couples are stuck at home together, all day, every day.

But that’s only part of the problem. We are also experiencing the disappearance of mental space. This form of space is less tangible but perhaps even more significant. It’s space from screaming children, your partner’s virtual meetings, and other distractions. It’s the space that allows your mind to rest and open up to new and creative possibilities.

The loss of physical and mental space is a problem for many reasons. And yet, it’s particularly problematic in marriage because space is essential for love and intimacy. We found this again and again when interviewing over one hundred people for our forthcoming book. Couples told us that, with physical and mental space, they experienced a heightened sense of love, connection, and intimacy. Without space, they experienced the opposite: more conflict, resentment, and stress. Space, it turns out, is like rocket fuel for desire and love.

So how can we create space in marriage when we’re stuck at home together? 

The Power of Emotional Space in Marriage

1. Create Physical Space

The new normal of pandemic life limits our ability to do this. But it’s still possible. You can create physical space by making an intentional effort to go for a walk each day alone or by reading your favorite book outside with headphones on. Even if it’s only for 30 minutes or an hour, giving yourself space away from your partner leaves you refreshed, excited to come back, and more open for connection when you return.

2. Create Mental Space

One of the key insights from the mindfulness practice is this: your experience of life is a reflection of your mind. If you live with a claustrophobic mind, churning through endless streams of thought and digital distractions, all of life can feel like you’re crammed in a packed subway car. The world begins to reflect your cramped mind. If you cultivate a more open mind, however, this expansion of mental space changes everything. It makes life feel slower and more manageable, regardless of your external circumstances. That’s the power of creating space around your thoughts.

To get more mental space, you can use daily meditation, mindfulness, or yoga practices. You can also build more mental space in less formal ways. Lie down in the grass for 10 minutes and gaze at the sky. Wander around your neighborhood while paying close attention to the sound of the birds.

The more you do this, the more you may notice that the space you crave most in these challenging times isn’t physical. It’s this subtle space in the mind—a kind of space that allows you to be connected, engaged, and attracted to your partner.

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Mindfulness Can Empower Kids and Teens

Adam Avin, now 16, became passionate about teaching mindfulness and social-emotional learning skills when he was just nine years old. The Florida resident created a cartoon dog as a mascot, inventing songs, games, and other fun ways to teach these capabilities to more kids—and that was only the beginning. In this TED talk from 2019, Avin shares his work on getting mindfulness into schools, and his guiding principle that learning mindfulness can empower children and teenagers to own their power and make a big difference in the world.

Watch the video:

Abbreviated transcript:

Think Well to Be Well

When I was young, we would visit my great-grandparents once a week. I’d usually sit on the living room floor with toys, but sometimes I would just sit and talk with my great-grandpa Jack.

My great-grandpa was a very mindful person, a yogi at heart, even though he didn’t do any yoga. He taught me all of his positive mantras, like “Think well to be well.” He explained the mind can be a healer or a killer, that the mind can control the body. As a reminder to be kind to others, he’d say “Smile, and the world will smile with you,” and that kindness would come back to you.

He also talked a lot about gratitude and would encourage me to smile and say, “Thank you, Grandpa.” He believed that a positive attitude was one of the most important things in life. Once he wanted to help a woman find her lost car in a mall parking lot. She was super upset and crying, and had been walking in circles for an hour in the sun. He just wanted to cheer her up. So he said something funny, and they started laughing and then they couldn’t stop. Everyone around them started laughing too, but no one knew why. 

Grandpa knew what scientists have since proven: that smiles are catchy and healing, even if we don’t feel like it. If we smile, our bodies get the signal from our brains and it becomes true. If we have compassion for ourselves, we have compassion for others. It’s like a chain reaction. A smile is a road to peace, and something that can change the world. My great-grandpa passed away years ago, but his lesson stuck with me.

I honor him by teaching his mindset to other kids. I believe that the key to ending violence is teaching kids when they’re young to be mindful and deal with emotions and stress. By teaching coping tools to kids today, we may prevent another suicide or a school shooting in the future. That’s why I created the Wuf Shanti Children’s Wellness Foundation.

A Pup with a Purpose 

Wuf Shanti is a dog character that teaches mindfulness and social-emotional learning through fun and games, and promotes health, wellness, peace, and positivity. In fact, shanti means peace. We teach kids ages 3 to 10 years old relaxation and happiness techniques, including breathing exercises, mindful movements, positive thinking, and how to interact with others.

All of this is supported by science, which shows that mindfulness, social-emotional learning, yoga, and meditation can help reduce illness, increase focus, help kids do better both academically and athletically. And when you practice these things on a daily basis, they really do help with your mental and your physical health.

When I interviewed pediatrician Dr. Zhung Vo, he told me there’s a lot of science behind mindfulness. We can see how it affects our body, our physiology, our blood pressure, the way our brain functions. We can see how it affects our own breathing or muscle tension or heart rate. This sounds a lot like grandpa’s “think well to be well” mantra that became Wuf Shanti’s main message as well.

Teaching Mindfulness to Children

As Wuf Shanti, I traveled to schools and children’s hospitals to share our curriculum with kids. These hospital visits may have been the most emotional part for me. When Wuf would walk into the hospitals and see the kids with cancer, many of them were brought from treatment or hooked up to tubes. They’d all forget that for a few minutes, and would run up to us to hug them or dance or give a high five. 

But the parents’ reactions were different. They would cry with the joy of seeing their kids happy and smiling. I felt sad seeing them like this, but happy how my being there was helping their lives, even for just a few minutes. 

Wuf Grows Up

In the five years since we started Wuf Shanti, we’ve produced seven books, a free mobile app, signature games, like our gratitude and laughing games, and over a hundred videos, which run on local PBS stations, in schools and in children’s hospitals nationally. I also wrote the Wuf Shanti songs, working with my dad who also scored the music: 

“A smile is a gift that makes you happy and free and makes the world a nicer place to be.
And if you smile to brighten everyone’s day, a smile will come back to you the same way.”

Even my little sister and her friends haven’t guessed yet that the voice singing in the Wuf Shanti songs is me, before my voice changed! I can’t sing it, or fit into the costume, anymore—we have to get other people to do it now—but neither my sister or her friends have ever looked around the room and said, “Where’s Adam?” not realizing that Wuf and I are never in the same place at the same time.

We know that Wuf Shanti videos, books, and the mobile app work to get our message out to kids in a way they can understand, because I first tested them on my sister and her friends who had just turned four at the time, and they enjoyed playing with the app while still learning basic life skills. Once my sister was crying and I told her that she had a choice to make: that she could continue to cry about whatever it was that she wanted, or she could choose to be happy for what she does have. And about five minutes later, I overheard her calming herself down by repeating “Think well, be well,” and “Peace begins with me,” while tapping her fingers to her thumb, which is one of the exercises that Wuf teaches. You don’t realize how much of an impact you’ve made until you’ve witnessed a five-year-old control her own temper tantrum and bring positivity and gratitude back into her life to keep her emotions under control.

It’s so important to teach kids the tools to stay healthy physically and mentally, to help them deal with stress and emotions in productive ways. So they can grow up to be less depressed and anxious teens and happier, peace solving, content adults. Anxiety, depression, bullying, anger, suicide, and homicide have doubled among kids and teens. In the past few years, suicide is the number two cause of death among minors. Seventy percent of teens, according to the New York Times, say mental health issues are the number one problem they face. Why is this? Is it because of social media, academic pressure, these scary events like school shootings? Because adults aren’t modeling the behavior? Maybe all of it. Adults should be making mental health a priority. And if they won’t, we have to, because cyber bullying is not okay. And killing people in schools, the grocery store, nightclubs, places of worship, or yoga studios must not become the norm.

Making a Difference 

So what made me think that as a kid, I could do something? Nobody ever told me I couldn’t. If you believe in something, stand up, make yourself heard! We have to use our voice to make the world a better place to live in. If not us, then who? Look around. The world needs us right now. So I’m doing what I can to use my voice to make the world a better place, and to get Wuf Shanti’s message out to kids and into schools and hospitals.

Sure, I’ve been sad before, been anxious, been angry. But these mindful and social-emotional learning techniques have helped me have a purpose. Something positive to focus on has helped me, too. And I believe that these tools can help others. We need to reach as many kids, parents, healthcare practitioners, even government leaders as possible. So we can teach about mental health education and stopping the violence and stop the next kid from hurting himself, herself, or someone else. 

It all starts with mindfulness and social-emotional learning. Some people think mindfulness is just all about deep breathing. We all know that breathing can’t change the world, right? But we all know that breathing is important. You need to breathe to live. Science has shown that if you breathe right, it can add two years of your life. For example, something as simple as breathing in for a count of four, holding it for a count of four and releasing it for a count of four. As you breathe in, you’ll feel calmer.

Teens can do this before a test and no one would even know they’re doing it, but mindfulness isn’t only about breathing. Mindfulness is about paying attention to what’s happening now, instead of focusing on yesterday, or tomorrow. Focusing on something other than the negative thoughts going on in our head, and if our mind wanders, learning how to bring it back. 

Living Mindfully, Every Day  

We can practice mindfulness by listening to a sound in the music that we like, like the drum beat. There are also mindful art activities or self-reflection activities. I like to listen to music while I’m golfing. It’s like meditation. It helps me find peace, which then spreads to my parents, my teachers and friends. Remember, it’s contagious. You have more influence than you know. But it takes practice to live mindfully so that when stressful things happen, and they will, you already have the tools to deal with it. Even practicing for just five minutes a day can help. 

So if we can reach kids while they’re in school, they’ll be better prepared to face all the ups and downs in life. Social-emotional learning can help, too. It’s about coping with your emotions, self-awareness, self-regulation, self-compassion, and resilience, all of which are so empowering because no one controls them other than you. It’s also about communication, interacting with others and collaboration. 

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“Play a Greater Part” – Bodhisattva for Our Times


“Play a Greater Part” – Bodhisattva for Our Times [REDUX] – During scary and uncertain times, the habitual reflex is to try to find ground by creating stories about what’s happening and hardening into us-them blame. This only perpetuates the aggression and violence that is so prevalent in our societies. This talk is a reflection on how we as awakening bodhisattvas can evolve our consciousness in a way that serves authentic societal healing and transformation (a favorite from the archives).

“Though I do not expect a plant to spring up where no seed has been, I have great faith in a seed. Convince me you have a seed there, and I am prepared to expect wonders.” ~ Thoreau

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Thursday 12 November 2020

Meditation: Vipassana – Opening Our Hearts to Life as It Is (20 min.)


This meditation awakens the senses with a mindful scanning of the body, establishes an anchor for presence, and invites us to arrive again and again, deepening the pathway home. When difficult or intense experience arises, the practice is to learn to open to what is here with a clear, allowing and kind attention (a favorite from the archives).

“…widen your heart and mind so you sense your hand is on the heart of the world. Sensing whatever prayer for the world most resonates at this moment and offering it…”

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Meditation: Vipassana – Opening Our Hearts to Life as It Is (20 min.)


This meditation awakens the senses with a mindful scanning of the body, establishes an anchor for presence, and invites us to arrive again and again, deepening the pathway home. When difficult or intense experience arises, the practice is to learn to open to what is here with a clear, allowing and kind attention (a favorite from the archives).

“…widen your heart and mind so you sense your hand is on the heart of the world. Sensing whatever prayer for the world most resonates at this moment and offering it…”

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Wednesday 11 November 2020

8 Science-Backed Tips to Sleep Better at Night

Establishing a routine that recognizes the body’s natural response to light and dark can help keep your circadian rhythms in sync. Here are some expert-recommended strategies to move toward optimal circadian health.

1. Stick to a Sleep/Wake Schedule

Try to maintain a consistent sleepwake cycle (and thus a consistent dark-light cycle) by going to sleep and getting up at the same time every day. Try not to deviate more than an hour on weekdays, and more than two hours on weekends.

2. Consider the Quality of Light

Get as much daylight exposure as possible during the daytime. If natural light is not available, you can use bright, blue-enriched white light bulbs indoors. Sleep in the dark, at night, or wear an eye mask to block light from reaching the eyes.

3. Create Natural Wind-Down Lighting Between Dusk and Dark

Just as the sun goes down, you can mimic that fading light by minimizing bright light and moving toward a warmer orange light, which promotes sleep, ideally three hours before going to bed.

4. Pay Attention to Your Nighttime Light

Any light tells the brain it’s daytime, encouraging alertness, and suppresses melatonin, the hormone that tells the brain that it’s night. If needed, use a dim red-orange night light in the hall or bathroom.

5. Sleep at Night

Focus on getting all the sleep you need at night, so you don’t need a nap during the day. If you need to nap, make it short—no more than 20 minutes.

6. Eat Smarter

Avoid eating three hours before bedtime. Ideally, you want to consume more of your calories in the daytime when your metabolism is most active.

7. Practice Screen Hygiene

Dim the lights and don’t use screens within two hours of bedtime. The blue light emitted from TV, tablets, phones, and computers can have a delayed, negative effect on your sleep, even with the use of apps or eyeglasses that block blue light.

8. Establish a Wind-Down Routine

Create a transition time that separates day from night. Do something relaxing before bed, such as breathing exercises or yoga. This is a good way to calm the mind and body.

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Physical Health

Why Can’t I Sleep? 4 Tips for Better Rest 

Getting back to sleep in the middle of the night is no small feat. In this short video, Michelle Maldonado offers four ways to help make going to bed—and staying asleep—easier. Read More 

  • Michelle Maldonado
  • October 12, 2020
Physical Health

The Ultimate Guide to Mindfulness for Sleep 

Sufficient sleep heals our bodies and minds, but for many reasons sleep doesn’t always come easily. Mindfulness practices and habits can help us fall asleep and stay asleep. Consult our guide to find tips for meditation, movement, and mindfulness practices to ease into the best sleep ever. Read More 

  • Mindful Staff
  • September 30, 2020

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Tuesday 10 November 2020

A Loving-Kindness Meditation to Expand Your Perspective

In a time of crisis and uncertainty, compassion for everyone may feel even more difficult than usual. This doesn’t mean we should not engage in activism and assertively take care of ourselves, while practicing compassion. But since anger and conflict always generate more anger and conflict in the world, it’s beneficial to remind ourselves of other people’s perspectives along the way. 

Any mindfulness practice includes compassion. We see our own challenges (like our utter inability to focus our mind where we want for long) with care and patience, instead of self-recrimination and frustration. And then, aiming to see with unbiased clarity how the world around us works, we can recognize that even the people we find difficult face many of the same, human challenges, and crave happiness and health in their own ways.

Loving-kindness practice means wishing someone well, like a friend; compassion means seeing their suffering and wishing them free of it.

Loving-kindness practice means wishing someone well, like a friend; compassion means seeing their suffering and wishing them free of it. These wishes aren’t meant to be forced, but to act as signposts for our best intentions. In other words, we cultivate them patiently, even if we don’t always quite get there. As Joseph Goldstein says, even knowing we will likely fall short of those intentions pretty often, how many people even try to live that way?

Traditionally, loving-kindness practice involves bringing various groups of people to mind and wishing them the same wishes we would for ourselves. The version that follows, as shown to me by Gina Sharpe, cofounder of New York Insight Meditation Center, is subtly different in structure: It guides us to develop a perspective of loving-kindness more gradually. With practice, we can take care of the world, take care of ourselves, and also stay in touch with the fact that all beings everywhere are driven by the same core wishes in life. 

A Guided Loving-Kindness Practice for Difficult Times

A 17-Minute Loving-Kindness Meditation

  • 16:59

1. Begin this practice by finding a comfortable and upright position. See if you can find a posture that portrays both dignity and strength, but let go of striving or tightness.

2. As you begin, you can focus initially on the feeling of each breath, noticing if you’re caught up in thoughts or emotions with a sense of kindness and patience. Then, come back to the breath.

3. Loving-kindness practice typically focuses on phrases that remind us of our best intentions. We’re not forcing ourselves to feel anything in particular or striving to change what we actually feel. So bring to mind a person, a child, or even an animal or a pet for whom you have unambiguous feelings. Picturing this other person or being, shift your awareness to a series of phrases that capture your wish that this person be free of suffering. That this person live a life of ease. Those phrases are often summarized as may you feel happy, may you feel healthy, may you feel safe, and may you live your life with ease.

4. There may be nothing you can actually do to change that person or being’s experience right now, but with an open heart, continue wishing them well.

May you be happy,

May you be healthy,

May you feel safe,

And may you live your life with ease.

5. And now, shifting your awareness to yourself, recognize how much stress you’re under, how much may feel out of your control right now, and also how much criticism we have for ourselves. Quite often, we may judge ourselves differently than the people we most care for. And see if you can bring the same care you did for the other child or being, or pet, or whoever came to mind for yourself right now—you deserve the same. 

May I feel happy,

May I feel healthy,

May I feel safe,

May I live my life with ease.

Not wishing yourself better than anyone else in your life, but also not wishing yourself less. And if it feels like that’s easy right now, continuing on with wishes for yourself. 

6. And then, if you like, instead bring to mind a good friend. Again, they could be anywhere in the world. There may be nothing literally you can do for them right now. But you can offer them the same wishes you just wished for yourself, wherever you are. 

May you be happy,

May you be healthy,

May you feel safe,

And may you live your life with ease.

7. You can move your awareness next to someone we often refer to as a stranger or a neutral person. Somebody who works in your neighborhood or across town, or someone you might see once in a while. Bring that person, that being, to mind, and see if you can offer them the same wishes you did for a friend. Recognizing, whoever this person is, they have their own struggles. They have their own fears, their own need for safety, for food, for ease. So picturing the stranger, offer them the same well-wishes: 

May you be happy, 

May you be healthy

May you feel safe,

And may you live your life with ease.

8. Now, bring to mind a difficult person. It’s not the most difficult person that comes to mind for you, but someone challenging—you may not see eye to eye. Noting those wishes you had just now for someone you hardly know at all, see if you can wish the same for this challenging person. It doesn’t mean condoning anything they’ve done. It doesn’t mean you won’t take proactive action to take care of what needs to get taken care of in the world. But as you do, recognize that all beings need to and have the drive to be free of suffering. 

May you be happy,

May you be healthy,

May you feel safe, 

May you live your life with ease.

9. Often for this part of the practice, it may be easier to include yourself at the same time: 

May we both be happy, 

May we both be healthy,

May we we both feel safe,

And may we both live our lives with ease.

If ever this part of the practice becomes overwhelming or too stressful, it’s okay to come back to the breath or wishes for yourself.

10. For the last two minutes, expand your awareness out to all beings everywhere: to ourselves, to our friends and family, to strangers, to difficult people.

May all beings everywhere be happy, 

May all beings everywhere be healthy,

May all beings everywhere feels safe,

And may all beings everywhere live their lives with ease.

11. And when you’re ready, you can open your eyes if they’ve been closed. Take a moment and then, with a sense of intention, choose when to get up and continue on with the rest of your day.

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Guided Meditation

A 15-Minute Meditation for Patience and Resolve 

Developing a sense of equanimity is difficult—even in the best of times. This guided meditation from Mark Bertin offers a quiet moment to be patient with ourselves as we navigate discomfort and uncertainty together. Read More 

  • Mark Bertin
  • October 27, 2020

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Friday 6 November 2020

Our Refuge of Heartspace


Amidst the great emotional reactivity of our times, this talk looks at: How do we hold this? What will allow us to respond wisely to our hurting world? How can we widen the circles of compassion? Our time includes a talk, sharing of responses to several inquiries and a period of question/response.

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Guided Meditation: A Moment of Loving-Kindness

We can easily get trapped in our own emotions and narratives, let alone the ways we can encounter obstacles in society. Here, Jenée Johnson leads a loving-kindness practice, adapted from the work of Dr. Shelly Harrell, that focuses on liberation. Dr. Harrell is a psychologist and a mindfulness teacher. And she has soul-centered phrases for loving-kindness meditation.

A Guided Loving-Kindness Practice

A 3-Minute Loving-Kindness Meditation

  • 3:17

1. Invite your body to relax, rolling back your shoulders. Open up your heart space. And allow your breath with every inhale to move through the heart. And every exhale to move back to the heart. I have recently learned that the heart actually sends more messages to the brain and the brain to the heart.

2. Drop your gaze or close your eyes, inviting the body to relax. Please let these phrases wash over you, replenishing, refreshing, and nourishing your soul. May you live in truth and be free. May the light of truth open your eyes and liberate your soul to express its highest calling. May you hear your inner wisdom voice and discern its messages from the illusions, projections, hype, and lies.

3. May any imprisoned part of your being be liberated, unchained, and unshackled from all that keeps you in bondage in any way. May you release and let go of habits, patterns, and behaviors that no longer serve you. May you transcend limitations, those imposed by others and those you have imposed on yourself.

4. May you know that within each moment lives the freedom to choose and to begin again. May you know the divine truth of who you really are, your worth and your value, your gifts and your purpose. May you be free.

Thank you so much for that opportunity to share the words of Dr. Shelly Harrell.

This practice is excerpted from the Mindful Live Roundtable on Racial Justice. Watch the full conversation.

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Guided Meditation

An Election Day Meditation 

Follow along as Rhonda Magee guides us through a S.T.O.P. practice for focused awareness. The invitation is to be kind to yourself, take a conscious breath, and gently relate to thoughts, emotions, and sensations that arise. Read More 

  • Rhonda Magee
  • November 3, 2020
Guided Meditation

A 15-Minute Meditation for Patience and Resolve 

Developing a sense of equanimity is difficult—even in the best of times. This guided meditation from Mark Bertin offers a quiet moment to be patient with ourselves as we navigate discomfort and uncertainty together. Read More 

  • Mark Bertin
  • October 27, 2020

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Thursday 5 November 2020

Meditation: Refuge in Living Presence (19:34 min.)


This meditation guides us to rest in the aliveness of the changing stream of sensations, sounds and feelings. As we open to the awareness that includes all life, we touch the peace, stillness and wakefulness that is our essence. We close with Wendell Berry’s beautiful poem, “The Peace of Wild Things.”  

Image taken by Sherry Merrick

When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children’s lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.

The Peace of Wild Things, Wendell Berry

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The Brain Science of Attention and Overwhelm

Volatility. Uncertainty. Complexity. Ambiguity. In my lab at the University of Miami, these four words (shorthanded to “VUCA”) describe the type of high-stress, high-demand scenarios that can rapidly degrade one of our most powerful and influential brain systems: our attention.

My research team and I study people who regularly experience VUCA conditions as part of their jobs—soldiers, firefighters, organizational leaders, and more. We investigate the powers and vulnerabilities of the attention system, pinpoint the forces that degrade and weaken attention, and look for ways to protect and strengthen it.

We are facing unprecedented levels of social upheaval, environmental destruction, and political discord. All of these events influence our cognitive capacities—and it’s not for the better.

Right now, nine months into a grueling and unpredictable global pandemic, we are all living in VUCA conditions. Compounding the constant health and economic concerns, we are facing unprecedented levels of social upheaval, environmental destruction, and political discord. All of these events influence our cognitive capacities—and it’s not for the better. If you’ve been feeling overwhelmed or unfocused; if you’ve struggled with staying on task or been blindsided by emotion during this time—me too! But this is precisely what our prior research regarding the human brain’s attention system would predict.

Your attention system is complex and multifaceted, but the more you know about how it works, the more able you will be to navigate VUCA events. So here are 10 things you need to know about your attention—and how to protect it—that will serve you not only through this crisis, but for the rest of your life.

1. Your Attention Creates Your Reality

The reason we have “attention” is to solve one of the brain’s big problems: There is far more information in our environment (and in our own minds!) than the brain can fully process. Without a way to filter, the relentless sensory input would leave us overloaded, incapable of functioning effectively. The attention system is like a flashlight. It allows us to select and direct our brain’s computational resources to a smaller subset of the information. We can narrow our sights onto our conversation partner and boost her voice in a crowded room while dimming down other sights and sounds; it allows us to focus on a particular problem or happy memory from our past. During COVID, your attention is what allows you to hold, at the front of your mind, the new rules for living to successfully keep yourself and others safe.

So realize this: Your attention is powerful. It determines the moment-to-moment experience of your life—what you perceive, feel, remember, think, and do.

2. Your Attention is Vulnerable to Stress, Threat, and Poor Mood

Attention is, in some ways, your brain’s superpower. But like many superpowers, it has kryptonite: threat, stress, and poor mood will rapidly degrade your capacities. And these are things that occur quite regularly in VUCA conditions like fire season, military deployment, corporate bankruptcies and restructuring, or a global pandemic. COVID is producing circumstances that accelerate the rate at which attention is degraded as it jacks up attention’s kryptonite. During this protracted pandemic, we’re all experiencing a heightened sense of threat, new and constant stressors, anxious feelings, and more.

3. Your Attention is Limited—And So Is Your Working Memory

Working memory is an essential partner to attention: It’s what allows you to do something with the information you focus on. It’s what you use when you need to hold something in mind for a few seconds—for example, remembering that six-digit confirmation code, composing a phrase in your mind as you tap out a text, visualizing the route to a new location as you drive. Think of it as a mental whiteboard: a temporary scratch space where you can jot down crucial information.

We’re spending a lot of our vulnerable and limited attentional resources policing our instincts and behaviors, as well as overcoming impulses and habits.

But just like a real-life whiteboard, it’s only so big. You can fit about three or four items on it before you max out the space. And it has one important quirk: It uses disappearing ink. Anything you “write” on your mental whiteboard will start disappearing within a few seconds. If you want to keep it there longer, you have to keep focusing on it. In this COVID era, we are all running up against the limits of our whiteboards, all the time. We’re spending a lot of our vulnerable and limited attentional resources policing our instincts and behaviors, as well as overcoming impulses and habits. This sucks up our limited attention and our finite working memory capacity, leaving few cognitive resources for anything else.

4. Your Attention Wanders Often

In any particular moment, there’s a 50% chance you’re not really here. We’ve seen this in study after study: Half of the time, we’re mind wandering. And what most often captures our attention and pulls it away from the task at hand is our own thoughts and preoccupations. Our attention gets hijacked by mental content tied to stress, threat, and poor mood, the kryptonite for attention I mentioned earlier. And when this happens, we are more error-prone, our perception is dulled, and our mood sours.

Right now, we’re seeing an increase in people reporting “intrusive thoughts” about—you guessed it—COVID. And these COVID-related thoughts and worries that pop into our minds have a lot of pull. They can yank the flashlight of our attention away from what we’re doing, and it’s hard to pull it back. We experience uncertainty-related stress (How long will this go on?). We feel a threat, not only to our physical safety (to our health) but also our psychological safety, our norms, familiar routines, life as we knew it. And we struggle with poor mood, often heightened by a sense of isolation and loneliness. This pandemic has created the perfect circumstances for our attention to get easily, and constantly, hijacked.

5. Your Attention is Linked to Your Emotions

One of the biggest surprises about attention is how deeply it’s connected to emotion. Think about it this way: When we recall a happy memory or something sad or upsetting, we use our attention and working memory to do so. We fill up our whiteboards with the appropriate imagery, memory, and thought, and all of this is needed to construct the fullness of our emotional experience.

And it goes in the other direction as well—you need attentional bandwidth to regulate emotions as they come along. Example: You’re overcome by some feeling, and you need to get steady. What do you do? You think through the problem, or you distract yourself by focusing on some other topic, or you reframe the situation (Maybe it’s not as bad as I think…). All of these tactics require attention as their fuel. And if your fuel is in short supply (because it is idling on ruminative loops of distressing thought), you just won’t have the cognitive resources to regulate your emotions effectively. You end up feeling unsteady and dysregulated.

6. Your Attention is Essential for Connection

Until now, I’ve been describing attention as a resource for your own private use—you direct the flashlight of your attention to your own sensations, thoughts, feelings, and memories, and to the external environment. We also direct it toward other people to communicate and connect. Fascinatingly, we also use our working memory collaboratively. We use it to create a shared mental model so we can have a mutual understanding of what’s being communicated. “We’re not on the same page,” you might say to a friend, when you realize that your mental models are misaligned. We often need to be able to see things through someone else’s eyes. This is a critical aspect of connection.

Paying attention is one of the most compelling ways by which we can show our interest, care, and love for others.

Paying attention is one of the most compelling ways by which we can show our interest, care, and love for others. Yet, while physically distancing, we can’t offer up our attention in the usual way right now—COVID is depriving us of the essential ways in which we connect.

7. Your Attention Can Time-Travel

It’s an amazing capacity we have, to fast-forward our attention into the future, and to rewind back into the past. We can recall precious memories; we can imagine and plan. But under VUCA conditions, this capacity gets harder to control.

We end up—without much choice or agency—trapped in the past and future. We long for the way life used to be. We worry, catastrophize, and hope. All this uncertainty makes us much more likely to play out various possible scenarios over and over again. This ends up being unhelpful and unproductive planning, as we burn attentional fuel on imagined situations that may never come to pass. A recent study we conducted found that the more COVID-related intrusive thoughts people reported, the more depressed they were, and the poorer sleep quality they reported. These are some of the unfortunate consequences of mental time-travel run amok—especially now.

8. Your Attention is Easily Fooled

Your brain is an incredible virtual-reality machine. You can simulate all kinds of imagined scenarios and predictions. And you can do it all so vividly. But sometimes a simulation can be so convincing and transportive that it leads your attention system to recalibrate many brain networks as though it’s really happening. That means you often end up filtering out or overriding what’s really happening, right in front of you.

The uncertainty of the COVID era means you’re simulating a lot more. You’re imagining possible outcomes constantly—What if the vaccine isn’t effective? What if it isn’t safe? Will social upheaval transform our society for the better? What if it doesn’t? And during VUCA circumstances, our attention is more prone to being wholly transported into a simulated doomsday of our mind’s own making. And a critical aspect of attentional control may falter: our ability to realize that simulations are mental creations, and not reality. We forget that thoughts are not facts.

9. Your Attention Can Be a Bad Boss

We all know that stress makes us feel bad. But long periods of stress are especially taxing, working our attention overtime and rapidly degrading it. What once was our superpower turns against us.

One of my colleagues in the military has written about “shelter fatigue”: Highly trained individuals facing a long period of isolation will suddenly break quarantine, even while fully understanding the consequences. At a certain point, our cognitive capacities can become so degraded that we are unable to maintain new rules and goals in our working memory. They go out the window (or off the whiteboard) and instead, our attention leads us to do what is comfortable and familiar. Overcoming our social habits, for example, can be attentionally exhausting to work against. I think back to a visit from a close friend over the COVID summer; when I saw her, it took so much self-control not to rush up and hug her.

So, keep in mind that sometimes your attention may “direct” you to do something that isn’t in your best interests. It’s a bad boss.

10. Your Attention is Trainable

Right now, you’re in high-kryptonite conditions. What can you do about it? Well, this is the question we’ve been studying in the lab for many years, and we’ve found an answer: Practice mindfulness.

Mindfulness meditation, practiced regularly, protects attention under VUCA conditions. Because mindfulness practice is about keeping your attention in the present moment without judgment, elaboration, or reactivity, it becomes a kind of “mental armor” against some of the most damaging habits of mind: mind wandering, rumination, and catastrophizing, which significantly rachet up under VUCA conditions like the times we are living through now. Mindfulness practice helps restore attention so you can regulate your emotions and relate to them differently by allowing them to arise and then pass away. The practice trains us to keep our attention in the present moment and increases our ability to maintain an awareness of what’s happening in the mind so we aren’t as easily hijacked or fooled into believing that our thoughts are reality.

You need to have a regular daily practice in order to see measurable attentional improvements—we’ve found that as little as 12 minutes a day for 3 to 5 days a week is protective over high stress intervals.

While it’s helpful to start training before you enter a period of high demand, you can start now and still benefit. In our studies, we’ve noticed three things: 1) Short-form programs of eight hours of training show beneficial results within four weeks. 2) There is a minimum effective dose (you need to have a regular daily practice in order to see measurable attentional improvements—we’ve found that as little as 12 minutes a day for 3 to 5 days a week is protective over high stress intervals). 3) We see a dose-response effect (the more you do, the more you benefit).

With mindfulness practice, our mental fogginess begins to fade as our attention and working memory are protected and strengthened. Mind-wandering decreases, and our sense of clarity and well-being can bounce back. In this way, we are training our attention to be battle-ready for the VUCA circumstances of this pandemic and all those we may encounter for the rest of our lives.

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Mindfulness Research

The Magnificent, Mysterious, Wild, Connected and Interconnected Brain 

Our brain is like a wild, raging electrical storm that wondrously enables us to make our way. Yet a lot of mindfulness literature makes it sound like a very simple machine. Two leading neuroscientists suggest better ways to think and talk about the brain and the mind. Read More 

  • Barry Boyce
  • June 12, 2018

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Wednesday 4 November 2020

Calming a Rush of Reactivity with Compassion

What could be simpler than paying attention? It sounds so ridiculously simple when one tries to explain what mindfulness is. It’s the basic human ability to be fully present, aware of where we are and what we’re doing, and not overly reactive or overwhelmed by what’s going on around us.

But practicing a simple thing in difficult circumstances is, well, no longer simple. Carefully folding the sails and coiling the rope while on the deck of a storm-tossed sailboat, with screaming winds and crashing waves, is decidedly difficult. And it’s a bit like practicing mindfulness in the midst of a global pandemic, raging environmental disasters, and an unprecedented political maelstrom. How do we, as Rudyard Kipling once said, “keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you”? How do we find equanimity and self-compassion when we feel overwhelmed at every turn?

On a completely average day, you might: 

  • Gaze in the mirror and feel the despair of realization that much of your destiny is determined by how you (or your ancestors) look, rather than who you ARE
  • Walk out of your house and feel the jolt of anxiety when you realize you’ve forgotten your mask—along with distance, the scant protection you have from a deadly virus
  • Turn on the television and feel outrage, dismay and discouragement well up in your throat over the repulsive antics of political leaders, pundits and zealots of all stripes
  • Toss and turn at night out of fear for the devastation of the very planet upon which we walk and live, fearing for the safety of your family in the next gale-force wind, surging tide, or rampaging wildfire

Practicing mindfulness and compassion on that storm-tossed boat often feels like far too much to ask. As they say, “Good luck with that!”

On the other hand, it is also incredibly easy to slip into reactivity and mindlessness. I’m not proud of it, but I can recount a personal example that illustrates the point. I recently went through the process of buying a home and at one particular high-stress point, I felt the seller was being difficult. Then, I happened to become aware of his political “leaning” in this current election cycle, and let’s just say it doesn’t line up with my own views. I found myself dissing him to friends and family, as if that explained his problem behavior. It got a good laugh from all involved, although it left me feeling uncomfortable and kind of ashamed. But it was easy! And it felt good, at first. 

Overcoming Our Anxious Brain

That’s the thing about falling into our evolutionary fight-or-flight mode and finding ways to discharge our discomfort, without thinking or letting it even land in our hearts. We get instantaneous relief and release that doesn’t last and may leave us feeling worse, like many other impulsive things we might do when we “aren’t in our right mind.” When we are reactive, we are NOT in our right mind. We are in our ancient impulsive survival mind.

Evolutionary biologists and others will tell us that our brains have evolved to maintain our existence on the planet. It was essential to our survival as a species to stick together in our families and tribes, to react to every incursion into our awareness with a visceral, reflexive “Who goes there? Friend or foe?” response. 

I often joke that we have come by our reactivity and anxious tendencies honestly, because OUR particular ancestors were the anxious ones! Those folks were the ones who were always looking over their shoulders, the ones who checked with each other before eating some strange new mushroom, and as a result, they lived to procreate. Ironically enough, it was the ancient ancestors who paused to savor the cool, clear, refreshing water in the spring, aware of the sensation of it moving into their bodies, who were at greater risk back then. Their full attention needed to be scanning for and responding to the slightest hint of danger, at any moment—the leopard about to pounce on them from the tree above, or the alligator lurking underwater, mere feet away, waiting for their opportunity to dine on fresh meat, or even the bitter taste of a plant that could signal its toxicity. We might see this as a kind of present-moment awareness, but what it primed our ancestors to do is launch into the fight, flight, or freeze reaction that we still know so well. It was a hyperawareness of threats. Today, it is becoming imperative to be mindful and overcome these evolutionary patterns. As psychologist Paul Gilbert says, “It’s not our fault, but it is our responsibility.” 

We have a brain that wants to keep us safe by separating us into Us vs. Them, this reactive nervous system that sees “other” as “danger.”

What will we do with this reactive nervous system we’ve inherited from our edgy ancestors? We have a brain that wants to keep us safe by separating us into Us vs. Them, this reactive nervous system that sees “other” as “danger” and pumps adrenaline and other neurotransmitters into our bodies to equip us to defend ourselves, run away, or hide (fight, flight, or freeze). Ironically enough, this meshes remarkably well with our modern political climate of opposing parties and liberal vs. conservative ideologies, that set us up to “other” those who appear to be different, further solidifying this unhelpful view of humanity. If the other is breaking into your home, it’s one thing. If the unwanted “intruder” is a politician on TV who doesn’t share your views, or the specter of a devastated planet, or the heart-wrenching death of a loved one due to a viral infection, it’s a whole other matter. No amount of aggression or fleeing or freezing will help, and in fact it could make things worse.

Tapping Our Renewable Resources 

The first tool we have is awareness—being cognizant of why this turmoil is happening in our brain and body. Thankfully, even knowing about this ancient wiring can help support and calm us in the face of the chaos of the world. Being able to see the arising of reactivity and to hold it in calm, abiding awareness can help us find our feet in the maelstrom. It’s not easy, but it is actually simple. Practice, practice, practice. For better or worse, these days we have no shortage of opportunities to practice. (I like to call these AFGO’s: Another Freaking Growth Opportunity.) I turned my real-estate experience into an AFGO by actually just pausing long enough to observe where my reactive nervous system was leading me.

But more importantly, we as humans do not only have our anxious brain and a reactive sympathetic nervous system—we also are innately compassionate and interconnected through our mammalian caregiving system. We need each other to survive, from conception right through young adulthood (and to the chagrin of some parents, even beyond that!). We are wired to reach out and connect, console, empower, and assist each other. 

So in a moment of suffering and challenge and emotional overwhelm, we can practice mindfulness of the arising of all this suffering and all this fight-or-flight instinct, ground our attention in the breath and perhaps hold it at a little distance so we can find a wise response to it all, rather than lashing out or running away. In the case of my real-estate transaction, I might have been able to “step away” from the easy joke that was actually not in anyone’s best interest and instead stay focused on the task at hand. 

Self-compassion is a powerful and empirically-supported way of meeting ourselves that actually empowers us to be strong and resilient in the face of challenges.

And we can also tend to the one who is feeling all of this and treat ourselves with the same care and tenderness that we offer to a dear friend who is suffering. In other words, we can acknowledge pain, suffering, and stress, and ALSO acknowledge how hard it is to feel this. We recognize that this is actually a part of the human condition (and know that means we are not alone in this), and give ourselves what we need in that moment. What we need may just be a tender touch to our heart, some warm kind words of soothing or encouragement for ourselves, or even a knowing inner smile. Self-compassion is a powerful and empirically-supported way of meeting ourselves that actually empowers us to be strong and resilient in the face of challenges, because we can also comfort and soothe ourselves just because it’s hard.

When we can remain present to the arising of our outrage, our terror and our disappointment, meet ourselves kindly in the midst of all of it, and let go of trying to resist, control, or avoid these hard feelings, we become free. This kind of radical acceptance gives us tremendous freedom and power to learn and grow from terrible circumstances. It’s not easy. It is simple, and it may just make the difference for humanity, one human at a time.

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The Brain Science of Attention and Overwhelm 

We’re living in Volatile, Uncertain, Complex, Ambiguous times. Neuroscientist Amishi Jha explains ten ways your brain reacts—and how mindfulness can help you survive, and even thrive. Read More 

  • Amishi Jha
  • October 20, 2020

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Tuesday 3 November 2020

An Election Day Meditation

If we’ve been practicing mindfulness and other awareness practices, we know that even on difficult days, we’re just a moment of awareness away from a sense of greater ease and greater capacity to be with what is.

The acronym S.T.O.P. encapsulates how mindfulness practice can support us in making the most of opportunities for engagement in the world. Like all mindfulness practices, it has many different applications. For one, it is a simple tool that can support us in being here in a much more lively way with ourselves, opening up to what is coming up for us, right here, right now.

Stop and Take a Conscious Breath

S stands for Stop

Stop what you are doing and if possible, perhaps take a seat. If standing, just pause where you are standing. It’s really about standing in your dignity or sitting in your dignity, to support bringing mindfulness to this moment. As you settle in, breathe in and out, allowing attention to rest on the feeling of the breath as it flows into the body, and out. Feel the nourishment of taking a moment to pause. This first step can be as short as just an instant, or as long as you like. 

T stands for Take a conscious breath

Now, taking one, very slow and conscious breath in, and a full complete breath out, really notice what it’s like to allow your attention to rest on these sensations of breathing. Continuing to take a few very conscious, very intentional breaths. Simply allow yourself to feature the breathing aspect of the experience of this moment, one breath at a time. 

O stands for Observe

What is coming up for you in this moment? The shorthand T.E.S.—thoughts, emotions, sensations—can remind you of what you might gently scan for as you observe your experience. 

What kind of thoughts might be arising? Imagine thoughts as being like clouds, moving through the sky of your consciousness, and just note the thoughts as they come up for you. 

Then, what emotions or feelings are present? Is there some discomfort? Some feeling of opening to joy? Whatever is arising is perfectly OK. There is no right or wrong way to feel. Mindfulness is about rolling out this welcome mat, allowing yourself to feel what’s here right now. 

Then, notice sensations: You might feel a tightness around the shoulders, or a sinking feeling in the belly. Whatever is prominent, invite a reflection on the sensations that are coming up for you. The intention is just to create a spacious way of holding the sensations. Yes, these sensations are here right now. 

P stands for Proceed

Finally, when you’re ready, notice the opportunity presented in this moment to proceed, to choose how to move from this place of reflective awareness into engagement. Proceed with presence, all the while holding your experience with kindness, friendliness, and self-compassionate for your experience in this moment. 

Notice the opportunity presented in this moment to proceed, to choose how to move from this place of reflective awareness into engagement.

When you are ready, transition out of this practice. Feel what it was like, and any way in which that moment of practice may have shifted your experience. Bring awareness to that shift, to help you see just how mindfulness practice is for you. Many teachers use the term “YOU-ru” as opposed to “guru,” which means you can take full ownership of the great opportunity that being alive presents: to deepen your ability to meet whatever is coming up, with more steadfastness, more stamina, more resilience, and more intentionality about how you want to be in the world. 

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Daily Practices

Having a Tough Conversation? Try the Reset Practice 

It’s not always the case that our formal mindfulness practice carries seamlessly into daily life—especially in conversations that spark tension. Shalini Bahl-Milne offers a practice to help you ensure you can be mindfully present for these difficult moments. Read More 

  • Shalini Bahl-Milne
  • October 7, 2020

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3 Mindful Resources for Election Day

It’s election day in the United States and that can bring with it all kinds of feelings, from excitement at the opportunity to exercise your democratic franchise to anxiety, fear, or anger about the outcome, no matter where you live. 

Whatever you’re feeling, we hope you make room for kindness—toward all those you encounter today and most especially toward yourself. Whatever you may be dealing with, in addition to the natural uncertainty about the future any election brings, may you extend grace to yourself today, and to those you meet.

Here are some simple mindfulness practices to help you through the day.

Mindful Practices for Election Day

1) Return to your breath in moments of stress: The deepest healing occurs when you come to terms with the way things are. This simple awareness of breath practice is an act of self-love and compassion for the moment we find ourselves in.

2) Create space for difficult thoughts: Try this simple four-minute mindfulness practice from Rhonda Magee to find calm when difficult moments arise.

3) Remember we’re all connected: Mirabai Bush offers this “Just Like Me” practice for increasing compassion. It helps us to remember what we share as human beings.

We’re all in this together.

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Guided Meditation

An Election Day Meditation 

Follow along as Rhonda Magee guides us through a S.T.O.P. practice for focused awareness. The invitation is to be kind to yourself, take a conscious breath, and gently relate to thoughts, emotions, and sensations that arise. Read More 

  • Rhonda Magee
  • November 3, 2020
Guided Meditation

A 15-Minute Meditation for Patience and Resolve 

Developing a sense of equanimity is difficult—even in the best of times. This guided meditation from Mark Bertin offers a quiet moment to be patient with ourselves as we navigate discomfort and uncertainty together. Read More 

  • Mark Bertin
  • October 27, 2020

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