Monday, 31 July 2017

We’re Hardwired to Doubt—And It’s a Good Thing

We should all cut ourselves some slack for how much we doubt. If you take seriously what research suggests, we may actually be wired for it.

Overt evidence of a biological basis for doubt comes from neuroscientific findings by researchers at the University of Iowa College of Medicine. Erik Asp and colleagues presented eight different consumer advertisements to 18 patients who had suffered localized damage to an area of the brain called the ventromedial prefrontal cortex (vmPFC), as well as to two other group of patients (some with damage in the brain but outside this specific area) and the other group a set of healthy control patients. Based on foregoing studies, the researchers suspected that the vmPFC brain region plays a role in facilitating self-protective skepticism (e.g. for misleading ads). Study results suggested that patients with vmPFC damage were significantly more likely to be swayed to purchase products from these ads than patients with other forms of brain damage, or healthy individuals.

Researchers suspected that the ventromedial prefrontal cortex  (vmPFC) brain region plays a role in facilitating self-protective skepticism. Study results suggested that patients with vmPFC damage were significantly more likely to be swayed to purchase products from advertisements than patients with other forms of brain damage, or healthy individuals.

We should be grateful that evolution handed us the vmPFC’s ability to detect quackery and facilitate a questioning, clarity-seeking mindscape. And if you happen (hypothetically of course) to have a wife who is more than a little frustrated with your Amazon-purchasing of less-than sensible products, then direct her to Asp’s  study. (“See honey, it’s not me, it’s my insufficient vmPFC!”) Without the brain’s ability to engage in this scanning of other information passing through our moment-to-moment awareness, we are more at risk for self and other sabotage. We therefore benefit from our brain’s built-in skepticism—as long as we don’t take our doubting to extremes that bind up our well-being and effectiveness in daily life.

The Blindspots You Can’t Avoid

Biologically, our bandwidths for accurately seeing the full range of reality are not as wide as you might think (or wish for yourself). Even though about one quarter of our brain’s terrain is devoted to visual processing, our binocular vision affords us only a 200 degree horizontal view of the world, whereas a pigeon’s monocular vision gives it an almost 360 view. Also, the anatomy of our eyeballs is such that (due to the location of the optic nerve at the back of each eye), we actually have a “blind spot” in our field of vision. We don’t “see” it because our brain automatically fills in the hole with information gathered from both eyes. What you see right now is, at least in part, an illusion. The human eye only sees wavelengths of light between 390 and 750 nanometers (the “visible” light spectrum), whereas many animals can see in a far broader spectrum (like infra-red wavelengths or “night vision”) to which we are blind. And this is only considering the sense of vision.

Our perceptual apparatus is not only limited in how much information it can take in at any given moment, but our environment also distorts the content of our perceptions and behavior. Speaking of visual limits, imagine being asked to watch a video clip of two teams (one wearing white, the other black) running in and among one another, each team passing a basketball as quickly as possible between their teammates. If you were asked to accurately count how many passes the “white” team made in about ten seconds of passing, do you think you’d be able to do it?

Even if you were able to provide the correct number of passes to the experimenters in this research study, you’d still be very likely (about half of you) to miss the most relevant detail in the video clip . . . the moonwalking man in a gorilla suit who moved fluidly through the mass of basketball players during the clip! About half of all research participants do not see this at all. This research documents how humans often exhibit “inattentional blindness” for objects that are complex and are part of fluid, changing scenes. In the rush of things, and particularly when we’ve narrowed in on a specific expectation (e.g. “I think I’m going to drop the ball”), we (or me in the case of that day in the outfield during a Little League game) will drop it and miss the other details that could have shifted the outcome if we’d only noticed them.

Doubt as Social Contagion

Doubt may also be “contagious” among members in social networks. Though doubt itself may not be among the emotional or behavioral constellations studied thus far, an extensive number of studies have demonstrated how emotional and behavioral patterns can be contagious for people who are merely connected in terms of interpersonal interaction to some nature or degree. These results include how things as disparate as obesity, smoking, depression, cooperative actions, happiness, tastes in movies, or even degrees of altruism are more likely just by virtue of being connected to others who exhibit these patterns. Such results are nothing new. Social psychology has a long history of documenting the malleability of our thoughts, emotions, and behavior when we place ourselves in certain contexts.

To date, I have led hundreds of group and family therapy sessions. Groups and families seem to develop their own “tone,” a sort of emotional and behavioral fingerprint that results in patterns of interactions within the relationships. One parent may be chronically “distant” during therapy sessions. A group member may be the savior of others. A child within a family session may be the identified source of all the family’s woes. A group member may be a mutineer who seeks to rally other members to stage a coup against the therapist. And these families and groups often can seem very different, have a noticeably shifted tone, if one or more members are absent at a given session. Families and groups in therapy can develop a sense of cohesiveness over the course of treatment, a sense of mutual responsibility and belongingness that, in and of itself, has been shown to positively influence the outcome of treatment.

My training and experiences as a therapist working with groups of interacting people has demonstrated to me again and again the immense value of “stepping back” and asking myself questions to establish a bigger-picture view of how doubt might be surfacing and creating a patterns. Questions might include:

  • What underlying messages are these people sending to each other and to me?
  • What is the pattern communicating?
  • What does so and so really want and need, and how are they trying to take care of these things in this interaction?
  • Who else, other than who is currently present, may be influencing this person’s behavior and attitudes?
  • How is this person expressing influences of other family members, their friend or professional network, their community?
  • If I had to do a complete accounting of all the forces affecting things right now, what might they be? What might I be missing?

The goal of this process of questioning is not that your immediate answers are absolutely correct, but rather that you’re breaking free of snap judgments which may be based on distortions and prejudices, and you’re considering and generating alternatives. Creativity and change come from such a perspective. This would be a healthy, questioning form of doubt.

To doubt is human . . . Just don’t take your doubts so damn seriously—particularly the intense, skeptical kind which, if given mindless berth, will be one of the highest hurdles to happiness of your life.

So what’s the takeaway from this brief survey of doubt-relevant research? Let me aim for clarity with a few bullet points:

  • Doubting is inherent to the human brain and therefore we should give ourselves a bit of breathing room for how readily doubt seeps into our minds . . .
  • AND our brain-based perceptual lenses are limited in scope and readily distorted by factors in our environments and therefore . . .
  • We should learn to doubt the certainty and absolute conclusions our mind (particularly at the extremes) creates.

To doubt is human . . . Just don’t take your doubts so damn seriously—particularly the intense, skeptical kind which, if given mindless berth, will be one of the highest hurdles to happiness of your life.

5 Signs Doubt is Present

In the next section, we shift toward methods for working with, and making a practice, of the experience of doubt. In order to begin, it helps to first be able to recognize that you’re stuck in doubt—it has a way of “sneaking up” on you, and so sniffing it out is key.

Here are some clues that doubt has descended:

  • Tension or clenching in the body before, during, or after an activity, endeavor, project or relationship interaction
  • A sense of indecisiveness about what action to take in a given situation
  • The experience of “holding back”—not gentle and aware, but rigid and closed up
  • Lots of “self-talk” (i.e. lots of “I / me / my / mine”) is cropping up, often followed with words like “can’t” or “won’t”
  • A feeling of wanting someone or something to just “decide for you,”—a discomfort with not knowing what to do, think, or feel about something or a situation

Mindfulness Practice: Sidestep Your Doubting Brain

Think for a moment about some event coming up that matters a great deal to you. In particular, select one that you’ve been struggling with internally, dare I say doubting yourself, others, or some deeply desired outcome. Whether it’s a 50th wedding anniversary celebration or a romantic escape to a beach-lined locale, pick a real source of doubt for yourself.

  1. Sitting, centered and with eyes closed, visualize this future event. Make it vivid and let yourself go viscerally into whatever arises. Don’t try to do anything other than let the event have its way with you. What are you expecting to have happen? What do you want and need to happen? What’s at stake? Stay with the scene until doubt has reared up within you.
  2. Practice merely noting the PRESENCE of doubt . . . Label the experience with the acknowledgment “doubt is here” or “doubting … doubting … doubting.”Notice what shows up in your experience as you do so.
  3. Notice what else is here and now . . . What changes in the intensity and feeling tone of doubt arise as you continue watching? Bear witness to the ebb and flow of doubt.
  4. What’s happening in and around you as the doubt comes, stays and then ultimately goes? Mentally nod to all of this as it changes in your experience.
  5. Let go of the visualized scene and rest in the sensations of your breathing for a few moments. Take inventory of what you’ve learned about how permanent and solid doubt and its contents are.

Adapted from Mitch Abblett’s upcoming book: The Five Hurdles to Happiness . . . And the Mindful Path for Overcoming Them; Shambhala Publications

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Sunday, 30 July 2017

Healing Trauma: The Light Shines Through the Broken ~ Transcription - Tara Brach


~ a talk by Tara Brach presented on March 08, 2017

Listen and watch: tarabrach.com/healing-trauma/

Download transcript – now available in PDF.


Namaste and welcome.

I often talk about trance, so I thought I would start with an illustrative story. This was shared by a mom who is very much into organic foods and a healthy lifestyle. She describes one evening when she hadn’t had time to get to the grocery store and she was exhausted. She writes:

“I looked for what we could possibly eat for dinner. Thank goodness there was a frozen pizza in the freezer. ‘Okay guys, we are going to have a frozen pizza for dinner!’ I tried to keep the guilt out of my voice that it wasn’t going to be hand-made, home-made-organic-with-love-meal. My son instantly resisted, ‘But I don’t want frozen pizza!’ I remained calm and said, ‘But that is what we are having tonight.’ And he remained resistant, getting more and more upset, on the verge of a tantrum, ‘I don’t want frozen pizza! I don’t want frozen pizza!’ I tried to remain calm and repeated, ‘This is dinner tonight. It is what we have in the house. It will be okay. Have you ever had frozen pizza?’ Meanwhile, I was going crazy in my mind: I am such a bad mom, of course my kids don’t like frozen pizza, I don’t like it either, I am doing the best I can and I am falling short today, but it is the best I can and I have created a monster of a child who only eat healthy, organic, home-made food! He is spoiled and doesn’t understand how much work it is! I have completely lost my sense of myself to these kids, they are taking over, I am raising entitled brats! I am a bad mom! Maybe I could make it to the store… No, that is just giving in. ‘That is what we are going to have for dinner tonight, sweetie. And I am tired and that is what we will have, it will be okay,’ I say relatively calmly. I take a deep breath and look at my son’s tear-streaked face. He looks at me and says, actually quite calmly for a three-year old, ‘Okay mama. But could we at least heat it up?’”

So, this is a mild mannered trance story. Trance means that our perceptual filters have narrowed and we are just taking in a sliver of the world. When it is driven by our negativity-bias or the sense that something is wrong, we get very torqued. It is a lot of suffering. What I would like to explore tonight is how we work with a more painful kind of trance that occurs when it is being driven by strong fear or trauma. It feels like a really important domain because trauma and strong fear are so pervasive, even for those of us that don’t think of ourselves as traumatized. We all have seasons where we get in the grip.

The question I am most regularly asked after classes or workshops is: What do I do if it feels like too much? Meditation instructions are so often to come into the body and open to what is here and then to be with it with kindness and with clarity. What do I do if it feels like too much? What if I feel I am going to get overwhelmed? What I do if I feel so agitated, I just can’t even sit with it? These are the kinds of questions I am asked, and they come up so often because many of us have, within us, pockets of trauma-based fear and agitation and we organize our lives around not feeling them.

I’ll give you some of the statistics:

It is estimated that seventy percent of us have had a traumatic experience in our life, and that twenty percent of those go on to experience post-traumatic stress syndrome—the different symptoms that circle around trauma. So, that is one of five of us. And there is further research that narrows it down. It says that one in five Americans was sexually molested as a child, one in four was beaten by a parent to the point of leaving a mark, and one in three couples engage in physical violence. That is a lot of people.

We sometimes think of trauma as emotional, sexual abuse or physical abuse, or war, or major natural disasters, but there is a whole range of life-experiences that are traumatizing. They can include surgery and illness and the sudden loss of a loved one. They include the ending of a relationship when it is not expected, or even when it is. I think many people can feel into the nervous system of our society and sense that there is a lot of trauma there, and it’s from all sides of the political spectrum. It is the trauma of the segments of the population that have been hit hard by job loss or poverty. The trauma of immigrants, the trauma of refugees, the trauma of non-dominant populations that experience regular violence, injustice, oppression.

Much of the trauma is generational. For example, the trauma of slavery—of having your people transported as slaves to another continent and then the continued violence and violations that are perpetuated through the institutions of that country, it doesn’t go away really quickly. Research is showing that generational violence is handed down biologically. You can actually see it. Faulkner says: “The past is never dead; it is not even past.”[1] Okay? You can see it in families where emotional and sexual abuse is handed down through the generations. It goes on and on.

How many of you have known trauma close up, either in your own being or with someone in your close circle? If we want to be able to help ourselves and each other and our society, we need to understand the challenge of trauma. It is very easy to see the effects of trauma and just be angry at yourself or the person or society that is traumatized, and not get the tremendously powerful set of circumstances that are driving it.

There is something that I have noticed – and this is now the other side of things – which is that many people, when they have come to terms with “Okay, there is trauma here,” and they have actually gone into a path of recovery from trauma, have come into an experience of profound spiritual healing. So trauma and the awfulness of it, when faced, can bring about a very deep kind of waking up. Many of you know Leonard Cohen’s well-known line: “In the broken places the light shines through.” In the broken places the light shines through . . . when we deepen our attention.

I have seen and worked with so many people that have been traumatized and I have it very close up in my life too, like many of you. And I have seen that trauma is a cutting off. It is a cutting off within our own body, it is a cutting off with others. That is the pain—the pain of separation. And the process of recovery is a reconnection to the sacred, to a real sense of spirit. So this is what I want to look at in this particular talk. We are going to explore what trauma is and the path of recovery that really goes all the way to a deep sense freedom and awakening.

We will cover this in four parts. The first part will look at being able to recognize and understand the suffering of trauma because, as I mentioned, if we don’t, we will blame. There is a lot of shame that surrounds trauma, and a lot of blame outwards. We can relate to it with compassion if we can understand the nature of its suffering. Next, we will look at we can resource trauma. How can we bring in enough safety and love to begin to work with it? Part three is presence. How do we really reconnect with the unlived life that is there that we have been avoiding? And the last part is then: How do we then live from a more fearless heart?

Okay, number one. What is trauma? In a simple way, you could just say that, when our nervous system is overwhelmed and our coping strategies don’t work, we get traumatized. When our normal ways of coping—fight-flight-freeze, being able to navigate a situation—don’t work, we get traumatized. And if the trauma is not processed or if we aren’t eventually able to fight off, or get away from, or in some way manage what is attacking us, then we freeze in a way that the unprocessed fear gets locked into our body—into our tissues. And then that brings up all the symptoms that are called PTSD that include anxiety, and include depression, and include dissociation—because we are trying to get away from our body. This also includes intrusive thoughts that come in and really torment us. It includes sleeplessness for many people, and avoidant behaviors that very much turn into addictive behaviors. As I have come back to a couple of times already, PTSD is almost always very much coated by and held together by a sense of shame. It is a really terrible Catch 22. Something happens and we get traumatized and we are coping as best as we can with these strategies and then we hate ourselves for it because they don’t look good and feel good. And that shame, by the way, binds the whole process.

What is actually going on inside us when we get traumatized? This is what is interesting to me because I am beginning to, more and more, understand trauma as a breakdown in communication. When we are an integrated person, all parts of our body communicate with each other. There is a flow of energy and information moving through. When we get traumatized, that breaks down. Certain parts of our brain have evolved to monitor for danger and, when we have been traumatized, they become over-activated and pick up on all sorts of triggers that might be interpreted in the mind as trouble, but are not really danger. So, the body is constantly in a flush of stress and reactivity and we are seeing the world not through rose-colored lenses, but through the lens of pure fear.

And I have shared before, the most useful way of understanding this breakdown in communication that accompanies trauma is an image from Dr. Dan Siegel, a psychiatrist and author. In his hand model of the brain, he demonstrates the structure of the brain as a fist—you might want to make a fist yourself if you haven’t done this before—this is your brain. If you open it up, your arm is your spinal column, your wrist going up into the heel of the palm is the brain stem, and your thumb is your limbic system. Your brain stem and your limbic system work together to regulate arousal—fight-flight-freeze and emotions. The four fingers come over the thumb, this is your frontal cortex. The cortex is the thinking and reasoning part of the brain, and the frontal cortex, in particular—where your forehead is—that is the site of mindfulness. It is the site of compassion and the whole compassion network. It is the site of morality and perspective.

When the brain is integrated, this frontal cortex down-regulates. What that means is that you might get a message saying: Danger coming up! And the frontal cortex will say: No, it kind of seems like that thing that happened in the past, but now is now and you are okay. And that calms down the limbic system.

But what happens when you are not integrated and in good communication? When you have been traumatized and there is not good communication going on and the frontal cortex isn’t giving its information? Fear and messages of danger come up and you flip your lid. You basically lose contact with the frontal cortex, and are living in an unintegrated state where this fear-based sub-cortical looping is in control. It has hijacked your system. [2]

What I didn’t know until more recently was that the stress-chemicals, mostly cortisol, that flood through our system when we are really frightened actually destroy neurons, and they particularly have an effect on the neurons that connect the more far-reaching parts of the brain. So, if you have been traumatized and there is already less communication between the frontal cortex and the limbic system, you completely lose contact much more quickly and are living in that place of feeling like, “I am in the thick of it, I am in danger with no good way to deal with it.” That is the communications break down. If you think of the opposite, when communications are flowing, in a way it is like the state of enlightenment—a state of full integration where all the circuits are connected and you are really able to light up.

Not only do we have a communications breakdown internally when there has been trauma, but our interpersonal communications also break down. Why is that? The frontal cortex that down-regulates emotions is also what allows us to pick up really important information from each other in order to be able to have empathy and to be able to sense what is going on for another person. When there isn’t good communication internally, we can’t tell whether another person means well for us, or is a threat, and we are much more at the mercy of our negativity-bias that perceives threat, feels unsafe and can’t trust.

It sounds pretty awful—our communications are cut off inside and we are cut off from the world—when we are in the state of trauma, it is pretty awful. But everything that has been disconnected can be reconnected, and the rest of the talk will be how we do that.

Now, interestingly, to communicate fully and in order to be able to play and mate and nurture our young and nurture each other, we actually have to be able to turn off our defense systems. You can’t really make love and be nurturing if you are on high alert and your defenses are on. There was a very interesting experiment back in ninety-ninety-eight, by a neuroscientist named Jaak Panksepp. He observed young rat pups in their cage doing the whole rough-and-tumble of their play. He watched them for a number of days playing, and then he took one cat hair, put it in the cage, left it there for twenty-four hours and then removed it. And what do you think happened? They stopped playing completely. As soon as that trigger for danger was in their cage, it completely wiped out their play. Afterwards, they gradually began to play some, but never again in the same way. [3]

This brings up a really important question for us, even if we haven’t been traumatized: Where, in some way, are we perceiving a cat hair? Where do we have that embedded association with danger that is keeping us on defense and stopping us from playing? And I actually mean the word playing because we don’t play very much. So whether it is being able to be playful or nurturing, loving, whatever – there is a cat here in there and, for some people, in a very ongoing way, it can way more triggering than for others.

So, this is part one. We get cut off and then we add on shame. We blame ourselves for the ways that we are not communicating well and we blame ourselves for the ways that we are self-soothing and behaving in addictive, avoidant ways. We blame ourselves over and over again.

A few years ago, when the economy dropped way down, one man I was working with had been laid off after his company had down-sized. He tried over and over again to find a new job and just couldn’t. He was still looking when I caught up with him a year and a half or so later. And he was traumatized. It was like his work defined him, and he was really worried about his family and all the repercussions of being out of work. He was experiencing panic and depression. He was sleepless. He was on anxiety meds and he was addicted to them. He was avoiding social situations and his marriage was really going south. The whole thing was wrapped in shame, as I have been mentioning.

As we were working together, he was telling me what was going on and how hard it was, and I paused and said, “Do you realize that this is trauma—that you have been traumatized?” And he was startled. He had never named it that way. Now, sometimes naming it can be a box—a category that locks us in—but it can be really freeing when we are able to say: Wow, this is a form of suffering and it is really intense. So, I went on, “This is trauma, and it is not your fault. You are not alone. There are a lot of people I know that are experiencing something like this. Losing a job can be really traumatizing. And there are a lot of people who, for other reasons, are traumatized. But it is not your fault that your nervous system is responding this way.” And that is when he began to weep, because the burden of feeling terrible and then hating himself for how he was dealing with it was crushing. Trauma is important—it’s important that we identify it and it is important that we begin to loosen the bind of shame around it.

divider

Part two. Once we have got it, and have identified that there is trauma, it takes a while to de-shame. You can see in twelve step groups, how powerfully helpful those are with addiction, that when we are able to really “get” that we are all in the same boat, it is less personal. So it is with trauma. When we understand that a lot of people are traumatized and this is how the nervous system responds to it, then we begin to say: Okay, how can we resource? How can we begin to reconnect and reintegrate?

In the shamanistic cultures, it is believed that when a person is traumatized, their soul leaves their body as a way to protect itself from intolerable pain. In a process they call Soul Retrieval, they bring together a community of people that are with the traumatized person, creating a tremendous amount of love and safety, and the soul is invited to return.

Likewise, in different healing contexts—whether it is in the care of a therapist or friend, or a group of friends, or with a teacher—we begin to find ways to create containers of safety and love. That is the beginning, because we were wounded, most of us, in relationship, and most of us need relationship to heal. If you think about the pervasive amount of traumatic wounding in early childhood, when there is neglect or when there is abuse, there is a lack of basic safety or trust, and that creates huge stress for the infant or young child—so much stress that floods of cortisol move through at a key developmental period for them—a key developmental period for the brain and for the parts of the brain that allow for socializing. Those neurons that connect are destroyed. Psychologist Louis Cozolino says: “It is not survival of the fittest. It is survival of the nurtured.”[4] It is a really good line. When we are traumatized, the first needs are safety and love.

There is one young man I know who lives with a huge amount of anxiety and he has tried every modality I have ever heard of. And he said, “After doing all of these different processes and techniques, there is only one thing that works, and that is kindness.”

You see it with children. There is one story from a mom about her children that are having a really big fight. They go to bed after their fight and then there is a horrific thunderstorm in the middle of the night. And this woman said she heard a noise upstairs and she called to find out what was going on during the thunderstorm, and then a little voice answered, “We are in the closet forgiving each other.”

In a similar story I heard, there was, again, a storm at nighttime. You know, children get scared. And this little boy wanted to sleep with his parents. He would call out to his father and say, “Please can I come into your room?” And each time, his father would say, “You don’t have to. God is with you.” Then, twenty-five minutes later, he heard his son calling again and he would come and say, “God is with you. You are okay.” Finally, the third time, the little boy said to his dad, “I know God is with me. But I want someone with skin on.”

We know from research that when we are in relationship, it reduces fear. Research shows that when somebody is filled with fear and they hold hands with someone that they love or trust, you could watch their brain calm down on an MRI. And we know that hugs that last 20 seconds release oxytocin and that is incredibly soothing. And you can do the inner practices of loving-kindness and compassion that, in your mind, invoke a person you care about with you and loving you, and that can create the same biochemical shift—reducing the sympathetic nervous system and getting the parasympathetic nervous system going.

In clinical research—and this is bringing us now to meditation and how we practice—it has become very clear over the years, that it is not useful when there is a lot of trauma and really strong fear, to directly dive into the fear and open to it and be with it fully. It is really important to first soothe and calm and bring in a sense of safety and love—especially if it is trauma-based—and then the presence comes after that.

I’d like to share a story that illustrates how we can use meditation and mindfulness, in concert with practices that bring in that sense of safety, to work with really strong fears:

The person that I would like to describe was a parole officer in a state prison facility, and she attended my Wednesday classes for about four months before she asked if we could meet. When we did, she said that she was so restless that it was hard for her to sit through the class and she often couldn’t feel her body when I would do a body scan. Even trying to close her eyes felt hard sometimes. She said, “I am hyper-vigilant and it’s just very scary for me.”

Those are real signs of trauma. Many people find that, if they have been traumatized, trying to meditate—close your eyes, come into the present moment, feel your body—it is the exact opposite of what feels possible. The more trauma, the more dissociation.

So we talked a bit about her past and she had a history, as I had imagined, of repeated sexual abuse by her uncle over a number of years. And then her pattern continued with abusive relationships with partners. So, she had a lot of shame. She basically considered herself damaged goods and was very hard on herself and tough on others, particularly in her job. “But,” she said, “When I am triggered, I am just like this scared little girl and there is no center, there is nothing there.” Cigarettes and overeating had become her strategies to self-soothe.

As I have already described, she needed some sense of relationship, love, and safety to calm her down enough to begin to actually go toward the unlived life inside her. I asked her some questions that I often ask people who are meditators and who want to be able to find that internally. I asked her, “What is it that, in your life, gives you a sense of safety? When do you feel safe? When do you feel loved?”

For her, it was when she was with her sister or her best friend and, over the months, she included me—she called us her spirit allies. I asked her more questions: “When you are with people that are safe and loving, what is it like? How does it feel? Can you imagine it right now?”

She had me there already, and she imagined her sister and her friend and said, “You know, it is like being surrounded. It feels like being in a warm bath.”

And so I asked, “When you are in that warm bath and feeling surrounded, what is your deepest, deepest prayer?”

She answered, “Just… May I feel completely safe; May I feel fully loved.”

That became her practice. So, even if we were not physically present, she was able to invoke her community of spirit allies and, we would surround her, just as it was done in the shaman cultures. She could bring us to mind and sense that warmth and sense of being held, and she would use her prayer as a mantra: “May I feel safe… May I feel loved…”

I also taught her a few other really powerful ways to resource ourselves when there is trauma or strong fear. Grounding is important for any of us when we are caught or when we are stuck in that trance of reactivity. Start by feeling the pressure of your bottom against the seat that you are sitting on, the weight, your body, the warmth, the place of contact. Feel your feet on the floor. Really become aware of gravity connecting you with the earth. You might feel where your hands are on your legs or touching each other. Grounding means to know you are here, right here. You can also ground visually. You might open your eyes and just scan in front of you, notice what you see. It might be you see feet, shapes of feet, you see the wood of the floor, you see the different shades of color in the wood. Part of grounding is to become visually aware of what is right here in the moment. If you are at home, you could look outside and see if you can actually name what you see so it brings you fully into the present moment.

If you close your eyes, another way of grounding is to scan through your body and sense if there is any place in your body that feels like safe space—where the sensations are pleasant or neutral. Again, you are grounding in your body, in the present moment. Anchoring. It might be the sensations in the hands. Just feel them right there…

Another way of grounding is to let the breath collect and center you. For some people that have been traumatized the breath is really helpful. For others, it is completely not helpful. So you have to kind of experiment. But if you want to use the breath to calm down your nervous system, it is a long, deep in-breath with a slow, long exhale. You might try it now: Inhaling deeply and then a slow out-breath. Slow in-breath, counting to six seconds, and a slow out-breath, another six seconds. So you are matching the length of the in-breath with the length of the out-breath. They are long and slow with no space in between. It is a circular breath; it just keeps going. There are variations on it, but there is much research that this kind of breathing can help to quiet and calm the nervous system.

Finally, just like what Dana did in terms of calling on her spirit allies, we can resource by bringing others to mind. You might begin by placing your hand over your heart, sensing that your touch is light enough that you actually feel a quality of tenderness. Part of resourcing is beginning to bring this quality of kindness, safety and presence right here to the inner life that needs it. Let your breath be slow, long and deep. Feel it in the heart. Scan in your mind and sense a time in the past when you were with someone with whom you felt safe and cared about. It could be a person that is alive or not alive. It could be an animal, could be your dog. It could be a friend, teacher or healer. It may be a relationship that is not so personal, but you feel the presence of that person in your mind, maybe a spiritual figure that really helps you to feel safe and loved like Jesus or the Dalai Lama, the Buddha or Kuan Yin. Just imagine and sense the presence of this being with you right now and notice what the feelings are like. Sense whether there is a kind of warmth that can wash through you.

And then, when you are ready, relax your hand down and just sense that this experiment, and resourcing, is something that you can do at any time—especially when you are not caught in fear—and you will begin to find the pathways back to integration, the pathways back home again. The more you practice any one of these, the more quickly you find yourself coming back to presence when you are stuck in strong fear or reactivity.

With Dana, this is what we did. She was practicing this regularly, especially sensing her allies around her. And then she began the presencing.

The most important thing to remember with presencing—meaning being with exactly what is here—is that you need to become familiar with what we call the window of tolerance and the window of distress. If you hit distress, that is a sign to go back and resource more, or to go have a cup of tea, or go for a walk so as not to re-traumatize. The bottom-line teaching here is that it does not serve to try to be mindful and present with something if it re-traumatizes you. So, if you find yourself in the window of distress, give yourself permission to stop and do something else to try to get a little more online and integrated again. Gradually, you’ll find that you can, more and more, be present with that unlived life that you are running from.

And so, that was Dana’s process. She was practicing doing that. And her time of most intensely being with that pocket of trauma came when she wasn’t with me in therapy. She had just broken up with her boyfriend and he was enraged and she was afraid that he was going to stalk her. She was having a hard time sleeping and she realized how terrified she was, so she began doing the grounding—breathing and calling on her allies. The fear remained really intense, but she felt like she had just enough of a resourcing anchor there that she could be with it.

She described the feelings as “broken, hot glass tearing through her.” It was really, really intense. So, she kept whispering our names and re-grounding and allowing it to happen. She would say, “May I feel peaceful, may I feel safe, may I feel loved.” And finally, her body was trembling uncontrollably, but she started feeling like she could be with it. She had enough safety and love that she could let that huge amount of intense energy move through her.

Gradually, she noticed a shift. The fear was still there, but she was more and more aware of the space around it and inside of it. She described the space of loving that she felt held in as larger than the scared self and said that the space started to fill with very warm, luminous light. She said, “It was like I was part of that light, and then I realized my soul was back. I started crying, feeling how all these years I had been lost, living without this light—living in a broken self.”

That experience of being present was a soul retrieval. What does it mean that her soul was back? She was reconnected to the spirit, the awareness, the love that is intrinsic to her and she was beginning to trust it more and more.

It is really hard, when there has been trauma, to revisit it and go back into the parts of our body where it is held. It is scary and we have to be resourced enough. What makes us willing to go through something like that?

For many people who have experienced trauma, there can be a really long time where there is a sense that our spirit has been tainted or destroyed. There is that much of a sense of being cut off. For Dana, she felt she had lost her soul. But it is not so. There is no amount of violence that can corrupt that timeless inner presence. The shame and fear might temporarily feel like they are taking over, but if we continue to pay attention and resource and gradually get more and more present, we will discover the loving awareness that really brings grace to our life. We intuit it. We know that even when we are cut off, there is something more.

After this experience that Dana had, she went through many rounds of feeling fear and having to re-ground and call on her allies. She felt like even though she sometimes felt cut off, she knew her way home—like when she got lost, she knew her way back. And she told me about one particular time, months after that soul retrieval experience, that really touched me.

She described phoning a recently paroled client who had missed one of his relapse prevention meetings. When she confronted him, he went on a rant—cursing and yelling saying, “You are like all the rest! You don’t give a shit what my life is like!” And then he hung up on her. Her heart was pounding, her body was shaking and she felt like she had done something wrong. It set off some trauma.

So she did her practice. She sat still and grounded herself and she called on her allies. As she started relaxing, she sensed, again, that warmth and that light. She said, “I sensed the larger me holding myself.” Then, just as she had been with her inner self, she started asking: Well, okay, so what about this man who has been so aggressive and threatening? What has he been feeling? She started trying to feel into what it was like for him and, suddenly, she could sense the humiliation that he felt when she called him. She was confronting him about missing a meeting and he felt humiliated. And she could also sense the fear under his anger. And then when she asked herself what he needed most, she got just how much he needed, in some way, to feel safe and like he mattered.

So when he came in for his appointment, she was a little nervous but she said she felt open and confident. At first he was very sullen and wouldn’t look her in the eye. But then she started to ask questions with evident concern and he became more disclosing about how wild his friends were and how hard it was to stay clean. And right before leaving he said, “You know, maybe I got you wrong and I am sorry about that. Thank you for being on my team.”

This is a woman who was hugely hard on herself and others, unable to read people, and she found her soul—her spirit—and then was able to live it with another.

This path of recovery and healing and awakening is one of reconnecting to the life inside us, reconnecting with each other and reconnecting with all beings. And it begins in a very simple way with creating a safe and loving container for what is right here in the moment.

Reflection:

So I would like to invite you, right in this moment, just to scan and sense if there is anything asking for your attention right now… for your acceptance… for your inclusion. And sense the possibility of being able to offer some space of safety or some care to whatever is here. It might be the simple message: You belong. Or: I am with you. Or you might breathe right into the place where you are feeling the vulnerability or bring your hand gently to your heart and let the touch itself convey the caring. Whether we have disconnected for a moment or for ten years, we can reconnect with our heart and spirit as we begin to offer this safety and presence to our own being.

We close with the words of Rashani Réa:

There is a brokenness
out of which comes the unbroken,
a shatteredness
out of which blooms the unshatterable.
There is a sorrow
beyond all grief which leads to joy
and a fragility
out of whose depths emerges strength.
There is a hollow space too vast for words
through which we pass with each loss,
out of whose darkness we are sanctioned into being.
There is a cry deeper than all sound
whose serrated edges cut the heart
as we break open
to the place inside which is unbreakable
and whole
while learning to sing.[5]

Thank you for your kind attention.

~ for more talks & meditations from Tara Brach, please visit tarabrach.com.
~ join Tara’s email list at: http://eepurl.com/6YfI.

[1] Faulkner, W. (1951). Requiem for a Nun. New York: Random House.
[2] Siegel, D. J., M.D., & Hartzell, M., M.ED. (2004). Parenting from the Inside Out: How a Deeper Self-Understanding Can Help You Raise Children Who Thrive. New York, NY: Penguin Group.
[3] Panksepp, J. (1998). Affective Neuroscience: The Foundations of Human and Animal Emotions. New York, NY: Oxford University Press.
[4] Cozolino, L. J., Ph.D. (2006). The Neuroscience of Human Relationships: Attachment and the Developing Social Brain. New York: W.W. Norton & Company.
[5] Réa, R. (2001). The Unbroken. Retrieved March 26, 2017, from http://rashani.com/arts/poems/poems-by-rashani/the-unbroken/

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Friday, 28 July 2017

Three Blessings in Spiritual Life – Part 1: Forgiveness - Tara Brach

Three Blessings in Spiritual Life – Part I: Forgiveness

This 3- part series explores three capacities we all have, that when cultivated, bring spiritual awakening and serve the healing of our world. Drawing on an ancient teaching story from India, we explore together the power of a forgiving heart, the inner fire that expresses as courage and dedication, and the inquiry of “who am I” that reveals our deepest nature.

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Thursday, 27 July 2017

Meditation: Living Presence (18:45 min) - Tara Brach

Meditation: Living Presence –

This practice uses the image and felt sense of a smile as we scan through the body, include sound and relax back into the awareness that is the source of all experience. By letting life be just as it is, we become pure living presence – wakeful, open and tender.

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How Shame Affects Eating Habits

A common expression of shame is eating certain foods secretly and fast when nobody is around. This habit may continue for many years, not because we like the experience of eating in this way (few do), but because it lets us fool ourselves into believing that we have not eaten anything “forbidden.” Often, these eating habits become a conditioned pattern, with underlying feelings of shame—and the anxiety of being discovered—present all the time.

Often, these eating habits become a conditioned pattern, with underlying feelings of shame—and the anxiety of being discovered—present all the time.

The first thing that we can acknowledge is that this hidden secret of “not being or doing enough” is extremely energy consuming. Becoming aware of the ways that shame plays out in our own experience is the first step toward learning to treat ourselves more gently.

What types of awareness are helpful?

  1. Becoming aware of repetitive thoughts that go through the mind when life becomes difficult. Often, they are lingering self-doubts, such as “I’m unlovable,” “I’m helpless,” “I’m inadequate,” “I’m a failure.” “I’m basically alone,” or “I don’t belong.”
  2. Learning to identify the different manifestations of shame. Sometimes shame shows itself as “the inner critic” (or self-blamer) or “the pusher” (for whom nothing is ever enough).
  3. Being mindful of shame in the body. Downcast eyes, lowered head, and unstable posture are all natural expressions of shame. Other physical sensations that occur with shame include warmth, or heat and blushing.

How can we work with shame and build more shame resilience?

The first step is to keep shame from growing. Secrecy (taboos), silence, and judgment are three fuels that help shame to grow exponentially. Breaking the silence and challenging taboo thoughts about eating are essential parts of the healing process.

The second step is to focus on our common humanity. Human beings are born with the wish to be loved, and we need each other to survive. Therefore, we all seek approval and feel social shame when we perceive that we do not fit in. When you understand that we are all struggling with the same feelings and fears, you can connect with our common humanity.

Breaking the silence and challenging taboo thoughts about eating are essential parts of the healing process.

The third step is allowing the discomfort to be present. It takes courage to expose your hidden stories to the light because it is much easier to hide in the dark. Mindfulness addresses each moment-to-moment experience with curiosity and openness, no matter if there are negative core beliefs or shameful experiences.

Additionally, bringing compassion and kindness to the situation can ease the suffering that results after self-criticism. Consciously breathing or softening into the tensed areas can increase your tolerance for these painful situations.

Finally, you can offer yourself words of care and kindness for being in a difficult situation. Talk to yourself as you would talk to someone you love, such as your child or partner. What would a very compassionate friend say to you in this situation? Compassionate and soothing gestures can support you in finding inner warmth as an antidote for the harsh and cold words of shame.

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Wednesday, 26 July 2017

Being with Stressful Moments Rather Than Avoiding Them

Stress is bad. Ease is good. And mindfulness is about shifting from the former to the later.

Or is it?

When we began our mindfulness practice, this quickly turned into one of our core beliefs. We were both stressed out and overwhelmed in our lives–searching desperately for some way to find a greater sense of ease and flow.

So, like many in the mindfulness community, we turned to meditation as a way to cultivate calm and eradicate stress. And, in many ways, it worked. But we also noticed that we still got stressed… a lot! No matter how much we practiced, our lives continued to bring us stressful situations, relationships, and conversations.

Of course, we weren’t the only ones clinging to this idea that stress is bad and ease is good. We found this idea lurking in the background of meditation apps, workplace mindfulness programs, and articles offering tips and strategies on reducing stress and anxiety. We found it in popular books and articles on meditation, with headlines like “Reduce Stress with Mindfulness,” “Overcome Stress and Be Happier,” or “Meditation–The Stress Solution.”

No matter how much we practiced, our lives continued to bring us stressful situations, relationships, and conversations.

Like many in the mindfulness community, this idea that stress is bad became an almost sacred belief. Whenever the uncomfortable sensations of stress arose, whenever we felt the faint call of our muscles tensing, our stomach churning, or our heartrate racing, we turned to the breath as a way to control and shift our experience from stress to ease. This approach helped us reframe our thoughts. But we were often left with a residue of physical sensation in the body that we would label as ‘discomfort’. Our strategy to eradicate stress wasn’t working.

Over time, we experienced the underside of this commonly held desire to get rid of stress. We learned first hand that by prioritizing ease over stress, we created a subtle form of aversion–one that undermines mindfulness and our ability to thrive in the living of our lives.

The 2 Stress Avoidance Traps

1) The ‘Get Rid Of’ Trap

The first is internal to the practice of meditation itself. In many meditative traditions, one of the core principles is non-judgmental awareness–the idea of allowing thoughts, sensations, and perceived phenomena come and go. The goal, in other words, isn’t to master the art of controlling our internal experience. The goal is to learn to be with whatever is arising, pleasurable, painful, comfortable, or uncomfortable.

Put bluntly, when we use mindfulness to get rid of stress, we’re no longer being mindful.

The paradox is that when we use meditation to get rid of stress, we leave this core principle behind. Instead of witnessing the rise and fall of phenomena, we attach to certain states–ease, relaxation, flow–while simultaneously avoiding other “negative” states–stress, anxiety, irritation. Put bluntly, when we use mindfulness to get rid of stress, we’re no longer being mindful.

2) The Stress Mindset Trap

The second trap is based on the popular belief and faulty assumption that all stress is indeed bad. While this belief is commonplace, the science of stress fails to back it up.

Consider the research of Stanford psychologist Alia Crum. Crum’s research shows that how we respond to stress has a lot to do with our “stress mindset.” In one study, for instance, participants were tasked with doing a mock job interview, an almost universally stressful undertaking. Prior to the interview, some subjects were shown a video informing them that while stress is often seen as bad, “research shows that stress is enhancing.” Another group of subjects was shown a video claiming that research shows stress is even more debilitating than you might expect.

The results were quite simply amazing. Crum’s team found that altering the “stress mindset” of participants changed their biological response to stress. Those in the stress enhancing group, experienced an increase in the hormone DHEA a hormone associated with building optimal health, along with an associated rise in the growth index–a measure of focus and problem solving skills. Those who went into the interview thinking stress was bad, experienced a diminished biological response and performance.

All of this is to say believing that “stress is bad” is both factually inaccurate and counter productive. It’s inaccurate because the research shows short-term stress (as opposed to chronic stress) often promotes positive mental and physical outcomes: good stress can be a powerful catalyst for growth. It’s counter productive because simply believing the thought “stress is bad” leads to a stress mindset that undermines the ability of our body and mind to deal effectively with the stress we face.

Practice: Reimagining Stressful Moments with Notice-Shift-Rewire

So, go ahead— stress yourself out. Of course, you don’t want to take this too far: as we all know, when stress becomes chronic, it can indeed become bad. But it’s worth experimenting with allowing yourself to move into the experience of stress in short bursts.

There are two ways to do this.

1) Cultivate the mindful experience of stress using Notice-Shift-Rewire. Let the experience of stress be your reminder to Notice what is happening here and now. Notice the sensations that accompany stress and see if you can even notice the part of you that favors the pleasurable experience of ease over the discomfort of stress. Try to catch yourself in this mind state of stress aversion.

The next step is to Shift back to non-judgmental awareness. See what happens when you simply observe the acceleration of your heartbeat, the tension in your jaw, shoulders or stomach, or the racing of anxious thoughts. What if that sensation of tension wasn’t labeled as ‘bad’?

Then Rewire by staying with whatever is arising. Let go of any effort to change your state.

2) Build resilience by shifting your mindset. Notice when you try to avoid certain events, experiences, or tasks as a way to steer clear of stress. Then Shift by reminding yourself – “stress isn’t bad. It’s often both a pathway to remembering to notice (advancing your practice) and to growth.” And, finally, Rewire by facing the stressors that arise in the course of life head on, staying with whatever arises.

By now, it should be clear that stress can either work for you or against you. By resisting and avoiding it, you diminish your ability to effectively navigate stress. But by integrating Notice-Shift-Rewire into your life, you can turn stress into an advantage.

Start developing this habit of Notice-Shift-Rewiring by setting a tiny goal – purposefully face into the discomfort of an ordinarily stressful situation once each day. If you want to make this even more sticky, tell your friends and family about your approach and see how they react. The simple act of explaining your alternative stress mindset can reinforce your practice and help others view stress from a different, bigger, perspective.

Eric Langshur and Nate Klemp, PhD. are co-authors of the New York Times Bestselling book: Start Here – Master the Lifelong Habit of Wellbeing.

 

Anxious? Stressed? That’s Okay!

The Mindful Approach to Those Very Real Butterflies in Your Stomach

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The Power of Solitude

Most of us are afraid to be alone.

I’m talkin’ no cell phone, no Wi-Fi alone. When was the last time you were by yourself and didn’t try to sweeten, avoid, or supercharge the moment? Were you fearful, anxious, or hungry for something more?

We are awash in studies telling us that we need each other to survive and to be happy. And it’s true, we do. But when we lose the ability to be alone with ourselves, our overstimulated nervous systems suffer from no place to rest and recharge. Self-imposed solitude triggered by social anxiety, schizophrenia, or other psychological disorders can constitute a health risk, says psychiatrist and researcher Dr. Mary V. Seeman in a review published in 2016 in the journal Psychosis. “But,” she writes, “[solitude] can also reap benefits such as recovery of a sense of self, renewed harmony with nature, escape from sensory overload, stimulation of creativity, or awakening to spirituality.”

Our mind is expert at taking bits of information and creating a storyline. One of those stories is that being alone is so terrifying, anything else is preferable.

Mindfulness helps cultivate this beneficial solitude, which has psychological and physiological perks. When we practice anchoring our attention to a single focus like the breath, the body and nervous system gear down from operating in relentlessly high-stress states. Without cortisol and adrenaline pumping you into high alert your body has better conditions to relax. In this more peaceful state you can enjoy a slower pace to look around and experience a wider array of life. You’re able to let go, to not feel afraid to be alone, which means you’re no longer grasping at ways to push away your fear. You can begin to enjoy what it’s like to be with yourself and feel calm. And as you learn to be alone you can learn how to be brave and honest with how things are right now. If you can cultivate your ability to be OK with being alone, you may come to appreciate that you can create all the conditions you need to be content with yourself and in life.

Sometimes the unfamiliarity of being alone can feel awkward, painful, or just plain wrong. You may feel like Groucho Marx, who said that he didn’t want to belong to any club that would have him as a member. The thought of making friends with yourself may feel weak or silly. That’s just another form of fear, which has many faces.

Spend enough time by yourself and you’ll notice all kinds of thoughts bubble up and pass away. Hateful thoughts. Painful thoughts. Fearful thoughts. Our mind is expert at taking bits of information and creating a storyline. One of those stories is that being alone is so terrifying, anything else is preferable.

That’s where time and patience come in. When you first approach this idea it’s natural that you might feel the same aloofness or hesitation you experience in any new relationship, so take it slowly. As you train your ability to be alone, without suspicion or disdain, you may begin to relax. Spending more time with yourself increases your ability to recognize the forces at play in your life. When you contemplate being alone, what do you feel? Are you holding your breath? Are you clenching your stomach, right now, or your jaw? Which emotions are being triggered by your lonely movie? It’s OK to have these feelings; you don’t have to like them.

The next time that the tight squeeze of loneliness commands your attention, let that feeling be your cue: first take a breath; develop an attitude of gentleness and kindness. Be present to whatever you are feeling. Lean into your sadness, your pain, your joy. Let yourself be shy as you gently get to know you. There is nothing to fear when you come to yourself with an understanding heart. Allow yourself the freedom to discover how unlonely being alone can be.

This article appeared in the June 2017 issue of Mindful magazine.

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Tuesday, 25 July 2017

3 Ways to Inspire Kids to Share

I recently stumbled upon a reinvention of one of my favorite childhood candies, the fruit chew. Eating one, I am eight years old again. I remember keeping all the cherry and strawberry squares for myself and sharing the less-desirable lemon and orange squares with my sisters—if I shared at all.

Could my parents have done anything to encourage me to be more generous? New research says yes.

When are children more likely to share?

They found, first of all, that environment matters—in other words, children’s behavior is shaped by what other people are saying or doing. If kids in the study heard suggestions to be generous, they’d give more of their fruit chews to other kids. If they heard suggestions to be selfish, they tended to keep more fruit chews for themselves. Kids are more likely to share in certain conditions, suggests a recent study—using fruit chews!—of four-to nine-year-olds by Katherine McAuliffe and colleagues.

If kids in the study heard suggestions to be generous, they’d give more of their fruit chews to other kids. If they heard suggestions to be selfish, they tended to keep more fruit chews for themselves.

As you might expect, kids who didn’t hear any suggestion about what to share were not as selfish as the kids who heard the suggestion to only give a small fraction of their fruit chews.

Age made a difference, too. Younger kids were more likely to follow suggestions, but older kids gave more than younger kids did. Although kids rarely gave all of their candies when advised to do so, older kids shared half their candies more often than younger kids.

But are kids more responsive to cues from adults—or from other kids? In a different study, Azzura Ruggeri and colleagues presented a similar dilemma—deciding how many chocolates to share—to nine- and 12-year-old kids in various circumstances. The result? Nine-year-olds were more influenced by adults than peers, but the opposite was true for the group that was entering adolescence—the 12-year-olds exerted more influence on each other than adults did.

The adolescents also experienced much stronger alignment between their values, actions, and emotions: The ones who shared at least as much as they thought was fair were happier compared to adolescents who shared less than they thought was fair.

This alignment starts to develop at an earlier age, according to yet another recent study by Markus Paulus and Chris Moore of three-to six-year-olds. They found that kids expected to be happier when they decided to share than when they decided not to share.

They also found that kids who felt sadder when they didn’t share gave more generously during later opportunities to share compared to kids who felt less sad. According to Paulus and Moore, these findings may explain one possible motivation for kids to share: anticipating a “warm glow” feeling that comes with being generous.

What could these findings mean for parenting?

Taken together, these findings suggest some fairly specific guidelines for parents when encouraging kids to share.

Parents can influence kids’ decisions about giving—but they shouldn’t take it too far.

Kids respond to clearly stated, gentle suggestions about what is acceptable when it comes to sharing. In the study above, researchers framed their generous or selfish suggestions to kids by saying, “Most kids give…”

Kids are also more amenable to suggestions that match what they already believe to be appropriate. Encouraging them to share beyond a 50/50 arrangement may cross into unfair territory. Recognizing upper bounds when setting the bar helps parents anticipate their kids’ generosity.

Consider your child’s age

Sharing behavior changes as we age. Acknowledging age differences helps parents set appropriate and achievable expectations for their kids. Keeping in mind that it’s easier to persuade younger kids to be selfish and older kids to be generous helps parents align their goals with their kids’ development.

Sharing behavior changes as we age.

When it comes to decision making about sharing, adults are more influential to younger kids; peers are more influential to adolescents. Parents of adolescents should try to highlight inspiring moments of generosity by same-aged peers in a way that fosters positive motivation, rather than implying negative judgment or comparison.

How does the child feel right then?

Parent-child discussions about giving that involve modeling how to talk about and label emotions may enrich kids’ vocabulary about feelings, which may in turn promote greater awareness of themselves and others. This may give kids opportunities to interpret and internalize the impact of their and others’ generosity—for example, noticing the positive emotions that giving may encourage in the giver and the recipient, and perhaps some of the negative emotions that deter from giving. Parents noticing and expressing praise for their kids’ and others’ acts of generosity have the potential to reinforce their kids’ decisions to share.

So, would I have shared more fruit chews if my parents had applied these insights? Perhaps not right at that moment, but down the line—yes, I think it would have had an impact. These days, I hardly ever keep all the candies to myself!

This article originally appeared on Greater Good, the online magazine of UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center, one of Mindful’s partners. View the original article.

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Friday, 21 July 2017

Love is Always Here - Tara Brach


Love is Always Here –

One expression of suffering is forgetting that we are intrinsically lovable and worthy. This talk looks at the pathway to trusting our belonging, and focuses on the healing that comes from letting in love and mirroring others goodness.

Painting: Rembrandt’s “Return of the Prodigal Son”

Talk includes quotes from Henri Nouwen, The Return of the Prodigal Son: A Story of Homecoming

You might also explore Tara’s book, Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life with the Heart of a Buddha.

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Thursday, 20 July 2017

Meditation: Relaxing into Sleep (no bell at end) (14:27 min) - Tara Brach

Meditation – Relaxing into Sleep (no bell at end)

This meditation can help us to access a relaxed attentiveness, or alternately, serve as a pathway to ease-filled sleep.

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Meditation: Relaxing into Presence (14:46 min) - Tara Brach


Meditation – Relaxing into Presence (bell at end)

This meditation can help us to access a relaxed attentiveness, or alternately, serve as a pathway to ease-filled sleep.

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3 Things I Learned from Teaching Happiness

Since 2014, I have been co-instructing the Greater Good Science Center’s free massive open online course called GG101x: The Science of Happiness. To our humbling surprise, upwards of 450,000 people from all over the world have enrolled since we began. It consistently ranks amongst the top ten courses on edX.

I also speak about happiness science to audiences in business, health care, academia, government, and other sectors around the world. Everyone wants to know how to use scientific research to guide their inalienably endowed right to pursue happiness: their own, and that of the communities they live and work in. While neither the field as a whole nor our course can provide all the answers, I’ve drawn upon feedback from students, GG101x discussion boards, Q&As during my talks, and more to distill the three realizations about happiness that tend to be the most moving, motivating, and surprising to people.

1. Most of us get happiness wrong

Happiness is not a new idea, nor does the average person struggle with explaining what it means. Even in the research, a standard measure of happiness presumes that people have an intuitive sense of it and can accurately and reliably place themselves on a scale from “Not a very happy person” to “A very happy person.” Knowing what happiness is, however, does not make the average person good at pursuing it.

The first mistake that people make is equating happiness, the overarching quality of life, with the temporary enjoyment we feel in response to something pleasurable. Why is this a problem? Well, if happiness is equivalent to momentary enjoyment, then the logical conclusion is that happiness will emerge from stringing together a perpetual sequence of enjoyable moments. As one of my long-ago college classmates counseled a friend, “All that matters in life is sex and money.” Wrong. Happiness will not arise from striving to accumulate increasingly pleasurable and luxurious things, or striving to constantly feel and convey bubbly cheer and enthusiasm (to “be positive”).

The first mistake that people make is equating happiness, the overarching quality of life, with the temporary enjoyment we feel in response to something pleasurable.

University of North Carolina professor Barbara Fredrickson’s research does suggest that positive emotional experiences contribute importantly to overall happiness. But people who put all their effort and resources into maximizing pleasure often do so at the expense of socializing or helping others, and end up less happy. Similarly, trying to feel good all the time, according to work by Professors Iris Mauss and June Gruber, actually gets in the way of happiness.

When it comes to feelings and happiness, the trick, it seems, is: 1) to readily experience pleasure at the right times—e.g., to laugh when the joke is funny, savor the delicious food, bask in the warmth of affection, and capitalize on those feelings so they last; 2) to acknowledge and express feelings that arise under more difficult circumstances, like anger, sadness, and fear, as they signal important information about what to do next; and then 3) to practice resilience so we can recover from these states gracefully and learn from them.

2. Mindfulness is key

From a happiness standpoint, mindfulness can be considered both a launching pad and a catalyst. As a launching pad, mindfulness offers people a technique for noticing their existing habits of thinking and feeling, and exploring whether any of their beliefs, biases, or habits might be getting in the way of happiness. For example, do you reflexively, though perhaps inexplicably, hate apologizing? Given evidence that apologies reduce chronic stress and increase happiness and productivity in apologizers and recipients, could mindfulness enable you to explore that aversion, and perhaps tinker with it? Over the past 30 years, we’ve seen rapidly expanding scientific inquiry into mindfulness, defined both as a deliberate exercise (meditation) or a more general manner that involves attending to the present moment with kindness, gentleness, and compassion. Basically, wherever researchers look, mindfulness (if not taken to extremes or applied to extreme circumstances) is beneficial.

Research suggests that people enjoy what they are doing more if they are focused on what they are doing, right when they are doing it.

Some of the most compelling evidence that suggests mindfulness might be a catalyst to happiness comes from the Track Your Happiness iPhone app, which pings thousands of people all over the world to share their activities and feelings throughout the day. As founder and scientist Matt Killingsworth reported in Science, their findings suggest that people enjoy what they are doing more if they are focused on what they are doing, right when they are doing it. From waiting in line to watching movies, if we’re paying attention to this instead of thinking about something else, we tend to be enjoying it more. In a similar vein, other studies report that mindfulness increases enjoyment of chocolate and sex.

3. Cultivating happiness takes work

Like learning to play the ukulele, boosting our overall happiness level is not something we can do in one sitting. Throughout the Science of Happiness course, we emphasize the recurring finding that, all things considered, the most promising way to ratchet up happiness is to invest in social relationships—strengthen our connections, hone habits of kindness, and do work that contributes to something greater than ourselves.

Regrettably, particularly in the United States, social norms don’t favor these objectives. Human capacities that drive caretaking, goodwill, and serving the greater good are less valued and thus have less and less influence on our day-to-day experiences. Instead, the environments that we spend most of our time in, like schools and workplaces, focus more on independence, self-determination, and peer competition. Cultural norms like these hone our expertise in self-focus; we get really good at maximizing self-interest and being suspicious of anything that threatens our wealth or reputation.

Like stripping out the crumbling foundation of a building and rebuilding it to last, the pursuit of happiness is a deliberate and sometimes-fragile process that requires continued effort.

Like physical therapy after an injury, it takes commitment to strengthen and reclaim the function of our core “pro-social” demeanor—to learn skills around trust, reconciliation, and teamwork. To do this, most of us need to unravel some of our existing habits and be vulnerable. Holding grudges, for example, can feel righteous and core to who we are and where we stand. Forgiveness, on the other hand, lowers blood pressure, improves cardiovascular health, and fuels social ease and connection. But it’s hard to let go. Like stripping out the crumbling foundation of a building and rebuilding it to last, the pursuit of happiness is a deliberate and sometimes-fragile process that requires continued effort.

Whenever I teach the science of happiness, I try to leave people with something they can do right after they walk out of the room. Often the simplest, most accessible message is gratitude. Feeling grateful fosters a more accurate understanding of happiness, strengthening our social connections and motivating us to engage and give back to others. Gratitude is often a theme of mindfulness practices, and is squarely focused on the role that others play in our own life’s goodness. Reflecting upon and expressing gratitude is an exercise in capitalizing on enjoyment, building trust, and softening self-focus; we acknowledge what is good and attribute the source of that goodness to others, and this can help anyone avoid the common pitfalls of pursuing happiness.

How can we get better at expressing gratitude? Try this:

When thanking someone:

1) Say what they did that you are thankful for,
2) Acknowledge the effort it took for them to do this, and
3) Describe how it was good for you.

Thank you, reader, for taking the time to read this article; I know you could be doing many other interesting things with your time, and, for me, knowing that people are engaging with the ideas I aim to share brings purpose and meaning to my work.

This article originally appeared on Greater Good, the online magazine of UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center, one of Mindful’s partners. View the original article.

The post 3 Things I Learned from Teaching Happiness appeared first on Mindful.



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