Evolving Beyond “Unreal Othering” - Tara Brach

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What motivates us – as individuals and as a society – to build walls and knowingly hurt others? This talk explores the evolutionary roots of “unreal othering” and how when we are hijacked by fear, it can take over and disconnect us from the very real suffering of others. We then look at how meditative strategies awaken us from othering, and reveal our intrinsic belonging. Finally, we apply this to our own lives in a reflection that helps us respond to someone we have turned into “unreal other” with compassion and wisdom.

The Arabs used to say,
When a stranger appears at your door,
feed him for three days
before asking who he is,
where he’s come from,
where he’s headed.
That way, he’ll have strength
enough to answer.
Or, by then you’ll be
such good friends
you don’t care.

~ “Red Brocade,” Naomi Shihab Nye

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The Happiness Debate

Over the past decade social scientists have taken a deep dive into what seems like a straightforward question: What makes us happy? The pursuit of pleasure? The absence of hardship and difficulty? Or, seen from a longer view, the feeling that your life has meant something?

The answer has proven less obvious, and largely depends on whom you talk to. When it comes to the science of happiness, researchers still don’t fully agree on how to measure it or, even, a clear definition of what “happiness” is.

Take, for example, the widely reported and controversial “happiness gap” finding that parents are less happy than people who don’t have children. One of many studies, a survey of 397 adults, found that parenting may provide meaning in life but not necessarily happiness.

But when researchers from the University of California, Riverside, measured both happiness and meaning together, parents, in general, came out happier and more satisfied in their lives than people without children. “When you feel happy, and you take out the meaning part of happiness, it’s not really happiness,” researcher Sonja Lyubomirsky told Greater Good Science Center.

Differences like this have spurred a new inquiry into what actually qualifies as happiness.

And it’s generated new interest in a 2,500-year-old theory that there are two types of happiness: hedonic (positive feelings associated with pleasure or goal fulfillment) and eudaimonic (positive feelings derived from pursuing meaning).

Hedonic is about in-the-moment pleasure. It’s the pursuit of enjoyment—fun for fun’s sake. It’s focused on your own wants and needs and has an energetic, upbeat quality.

Eudaimonic (pronounced u-duh-MOH-nic ) is more about fulfilling your higher potential instead of an immediate desire. It’s associated with things like seeing the big picture, aligning yourself with a larger purpose, and helping others.

“Positive emotions can help you connect more with others, broaden your attention, make your thinking more flexible, and increase your ability to see the big picture.”

While both can evoke good feelings, current measurements of straight-up happiness—things like greater positive affect and less negative affect—typically fall in the hedonia camp. Eudaimonic pursuits, on the other hand, may not bring a lot of pleasure. In fact, activities and life focus that provide a sense of meaning often involve times of struggle and stress.

So… how does this make you happy? Some scientists argue that the pursuit of meaning, self-growth, and alignment with something outside of yourself, while not always fun, leads to greater life satisfaction overall than the pursuit of pleasure alone.

It may be better for your health, too. Studies have revealed a slew of health benefits from eudaimonic pursuits, such as volunteering. A 2013 study found that people who derived their happiness by having a sense of meaning had a stronger immune profile; literally, their brand of happiness reaches down to their cells. They also are less reactive to stress, have higher HDL (“good”) cholesterol levels, sleep better, and may experience less depression. Meanwhile, people who identify more with hedonic happiness show greater pro-inflammatory gene expression, the kind common among people exposed to chronic stress or trauma.

For all of these reasons, it might be easy to surmise that eudaimonia is the one true path to happiness. Yet some scientists warn against this kind of one-is-better thinking.

Elizabeth Dunn at the University of British Columbia tells the Greater Good Science Center, “To say that there’s one pathway to meaning, and that it’s different than the pathway to pleasure, is false.”

Fun, laughter, and enjoyment are all essential elements of the life experience. And these effects are not experienced in a vacuum. In fact, Dunn and others point out, feeling positive emotions can help you connect more with others, broaden your attention, make your thinking more flexible, and increase your ability to see the big picture, all of which may contribute to seeing and aiming for greater meaning.

Researcher Veronika Huta writes that each plays an important role in the cultivation of a good life. People who pursue a balance of both hedonic and eudaimonic happiness have “higher degrees of well-being than people who pursue only one or the other” with a higher degree of mental health, and experience more well-rounded well-being. The consensus, she says, is that people need both hedonia and eudaimonia to flourish.

This article appeared in the June 2018 issue of Mindful magazine.

Boost Happiness in Three Steps

What Is Happiness Anyway?

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Four Lessons on Burnout from a Fighter Pilot

Jannelle MacAulay was doing something that her father only dreamed for her when she was a child — working as a military leader and pilot, a job not open to women in the ’80s. In this TEDx talk, she describes how powerful that experience was — becoming a military leader, commander, academic, and wife — but also how she struggled to stay at the peak of her game and remain perfect in every role. The drive to succeed and avoid failure at all costs caused her to burn out.

Here are four takeaways from her talk:

1) Drive alone does not equip you for sustained success. Sacrificing health and relationships to maintain or accelerate success is a recipe for burnout. “My drive took me to the point where I was giving to everything and everybody […] and that almost destroyed me,” says MacAulay.

MacAulay ended up arriving at mindfulness.

“It’s about being in the present moment, instead of wasting our time succumbing to the mind wandering and the distractions, and ultimately the unrealistic expectations we put on ourselves with our own inner dialogue,” she says. “And that’s extremely hard to do on our own, especially under stress.”

2) Put on your oxygen mask first. MacAulay attributes her professional success to using a tool that’s accessible to everyone: the breath.

“We can use the power of our breath to live more in the present moment, increasing our productivity and our efficiency, and actually giving ourselves time back,” MacAulay says. “Time we can use to harmonize our hard work and our labor with the joys in life.”

When life gets stressful, MacAulay says mindfulness reminds her to slow down—and to forgive herself on days when she isn’t able to do so.

When life gets stressful, MacAulay says mindfulness reminds her to slow down—and to forgive herself on days when she isn’t able to do so.

She describes practicing mindfulness as an exercise, like doing push-ups for the brain.

“And the more you practice it, the more it is available to us, under stress,” she says

3) Win back time by focusing on the good. Along with battling stress, MacAulay was finding it difficult to focus on the present moment. She realized there were times when she would miss special moments with her children, due to worrying about things at work.

“The interesting thing about mind wandering is when we do it, we think of unpleasant thoughts. We might have this fabulous vacation coming up, but instead of thinking about our toes in the sand, we mind-wander about all the things we have to do before we leave,” MacAulay says.

MacAulay refers to her colleague, Amishi Jha, who uses the example of the brain as an iPod: we spend a lot of time in fast forward worrying about the future, and in rewind ruminating on the past, but we rarely press play and live in the present.

“Mindfulness can actually strengthen our muscle of attention and help us make better decisions. It also decreases the amount of time we spend mind wandering or judging ourselves, and setting unrealistic expectations,” MacAulay explains.

4) Give connection before you give direction. MacAulay found ways to introduce mindfulness to her unit, including practicing yoga and doing a mindful minute before leadership meetings. She says mindfulness helped created a culture of trust and connection, which nurtured an environment of “failing forward” where people “used self-compassion to get back up and try again.”

“I’ve been asked many times how I got a military unit to buy in to mindfulness,” MacAulay says. “I started with trust by being a mindful leader myself, and creating opportunities for connection.”

MacAulay describes how starting with small initiatives, like no-email Friday, helped her build trust by being more available to make in-person connections with her team.

“Mindfulness created a culture of trust, care, love, and connection… where people weren’t afraid to fail,” MacAulay says. “Mindfulness created an environment where everyone can succeed.”

 

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The Magnificent, Mysterious, Wild, Connected and Interconnected Brain

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Defining Mindfulness

Mindfulness—where does it come from? Naturally, we hear this question a lot. We’ve addressed it on several occasions, including in a piece now online called “5 Things People Get Wrong about Mindfulness,” but it’s helpful to address core questions like this again and again. There is no final answer, no last word on the matter.

The many mindfulness teachers and advocates who encouraged us to start Mindful—and whom we represent in everything we do—believe mindfulness is an inherent human capability that belongs to anyone irrespective of race, creed, gender, you name it. It is our birthright.

What is it exactly?

Since it’s a quality of mind, it’s not easy (or even desirable) to have a single, agreed-upon-by-everybody, one-size-fits-all definition. Mindful’s definition says that mindfulness is the basic human ability to be fully present, aware of where we are and what we’re doing, and not overly reactive or overwhelmed by what’s going on around us. Mindfulness also refers to the cultivation of this basic human ability through methods, including meditation, mindful movement, mindful eating, and others. We call this “mindfulness practice” to distinguish it from the basic ability.

Mindfulness is the basic human ability to be fully present, aware of where we are and what we’re doing, and not overly reactive or overwhelmed by what’s going on around us.

Like many meditation teachers, we share the understanding that as our mindfulness is enhanced, it also arouses our connection to others—our kindness and compassion. And we can engage in practices to enhance these qualities as well. Mindful also takes a public health perspective as opposed to a popular self-help approach—thinking in terms of the overall health and well-being of communities, not simply helping a person here or there.

Concerning the question raised at the top—Where does it come from?—we can say the inherent human ability is our evolutionary inheritance, and the practices are our social inheritance, and they come from a variety of sources. The Buddhist tradition is the place where the largest number of explicit mindfulness traditions were practiced, but it seems certain that these practices predated Buddhism and were not necessarily religious in nature. There are similar practices in other traditions throughout the world, and many great Buddhist teachers—East and West—including the Dalai Lama, Thich Nhat Hanh, Pema Chödrön, Sharon Salzberg, and others have affirmed that mindfulness and compassion can be cultivated outside of Buddhism or any religious context. If practices are helpful to people and increase their well-being, then by all means let’s practice them, from whatever tradition, whatever name they go by. We pay great respect to Buddhism and to all traditions of wisdom, and we also know that to reduce the pain in the world, we need practices that work and that can be practiced in the public square—where no one’s beliefs are given privilege.

We have seen the great benefit mindfulness can do when unleashed in public settings, in high schools in Oregon, in libraries in Los Angeles, in juvenile halls in Oakland, in grade schools in Baltimore, in hospitals in Boston, in hundreds of places. When someone’s life opens up for them, or is even saved, what we call it doesn’t matter much, but if you need a word, mindfulness is as good as any other.

This article appeared in the August 2018 issue of Mindful magazine.

What is Mindfulness?

Is Mindfulness Safe?

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Charting Her Own Path

The art of Melissa Sutor’s life, like the art of meditation, lies in the action of beginning again. And again. Born to a teenage single mother in rural Alabama, she became the first person in her family to graduate from college. At the University of Notre Dame, in Indiana, she was the first African-American in the graduate program for computer science and engineering and was on track to earn her PhD before she recognized a fundamental mismatch. Sutor set out for California, with its promise of Silicon Valley and progressive values. However, the tech field left her spiritually parched. She and her husband planned a grand exit strategy: a trip around the world. After traveling together for eight months, they agreed to end the marriage. Sutor continued her travels solo for over a year, connecting with other travelers and learning from locals.

Today, Sutor is remarried and works both in California and in Maui, Hawaii, where she lives. Equipped with a master’s degree in counseling psychology and formal training in Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR), Sutor founded the Dragonfly Healing Center in Maui. There, she teaches MBSR classes, leads retreats for women in tech and science, and does consultation, working at the intersection of mindfulness, technology, and social good.

This is an excerpt of Mindful’s feature on Melissa Sutor from the August 2018 issue of Mindful magazine.

How to Free Yourself from Your Personal Stories

A User’s Guide to Living Well in Screenworld

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Engage Uncertainty; Concentrate on Quality

Q: My employer is downsizing. I’ve started a job search, but I go to work every morning not knowing if today is the day—it’s a toxic environment. How can I cope?

Being laid off is a common experience and over 1,000 Americans lose their job every hour—many, if not most workers, were doing their jobs quite well.

Such prospects can keep us feeling unsettled. Yet, the reality we face at work is straightforward: Our jobs are not guaranteed and work cannot offer us security in a constantly changing world.

Dealing with this uncertainty is not a matter of “coping”— hoping to survive by keeping your head down. Rather, engaging uncertainty—whether at work or in life in general—is about expressing our natural sense of daring which takes two forms: power and confidence.

Expressing power is a subtle art where we seek to shape circumstances to maximize our advantage. Here we dare to be skillful: Negotiating deals, anticipating conflicts, building alliances, probing dilemmas, sharing resources, and much more. Such conventional power rests on one simple principle: having options. So, being powerful in our careers requires that we develop choices, whether it’s a job lead elsewhere, a savings account that can support a transition, an influential mentor, or a “part time gig” waiting in the wings. Daring to have options gives us real and psychological power in the face of uncertainty at work.

Confidence is daring to express our natural resourcefulness—daring to engage work agilely rather than trying to secure ourselves. When we dare to express confidence at work, we recognize the futility of our hopes for security and fears of disaster, and instead trust ourselves completely. Such wisdom is not wishful thinking, of course, but an unmistakable familiarity with being comfortable with our humanity.

Michael Carroll is the author of Fearless at Work.

Over 1,000 Americans lose their job every hour—many, if not most, were doing their jobs quite well.

Q: I’m a sales manager and management has decided that all account managers must cut back on customer face-toface time and travel. How can my team keep our customers engaged without being “in person?”

It is hard to replace the type of connection that comes from face-to-face meetings with your customers. So don’t try to replace it, make it count that much more when you do have it. Explore your customer engagement cycle and consider when the most impactful time to visit with customers face-to-face is, and define what you want that engagement to look and feel like for both. Then create an experience that will be as meaningful as possible for that point in the cycle to deepen the business connection. For some that might involve hosting a tour, giving a demo, facilitating mind mapping or brainstorming, having consulting focused conversations or simply enjoying a meal together.

From that point, you can work to develop a strategy to maintain the connection, rather than replacing it. It’s possible that ongoing connection points might be different for each customer, which could end-up creating deeper engagement because it will feel more customized. For some customers you might use two-way communication video conferencing tools like Skype or WebEx, other’s might want meaningful content sent to them that is relevant to their work and key business challenges and some customers want to go retro and schedule phone conversations to keep the connection going. Bottom line: Focus on the concept of quality time spent face-to-face over quantity of direct contact.

Jae Ellard in the president of WLB Consulting Group in Seattle.

This article also appeared in the October 2014 issue of Mindful magazine.

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Ask Ms. Mindful – December 2013

• My boyfriend of three years is adamant: he doesn’t want to get married until his finances are stable. But he’s so far in debt that it could take him a couple of years, and I’m ready right now! Should I wait?

Is this really about finances? Sounds like your boyfriend isn’t actually ready to marry.

To wait or not to wait isn’t the real question. This impasse is an invitation for you both to communicate more deeply and dive into greater intimacy.

When he says he wants to wait, what’s he really saying? Does he want a gold star for being responsible or is he looking for a way to slow things down? Or back out?

And what about you? Why are you bent on getting married now? Feeling impulsive? Craving commitment? Security? Or are you sensing drift and fearing you’ll lose him?

Start by looking into what you hope for by marrying sooner and what scares you about waiting, and get acquainted with your boyfriend’s hopes and fears, too.

• My sister has acute rheumatoid arthritis, and I help her out. But the more time we spend together, the more drained I get. I know she’s overwhelmed with pain sometimes and I want to continue to be there for her, but how do I take care of myself?

Caregiving is tough—long-term caregiving tougher still. Your sister is lucky to have you.

When we’re around someone who is suffering, many neuroscientists believe that our mirror neurons reflect into our own bodies the other person’s distress. In other words, pain is contagious. But pain—our own pain and the pain we feel from others—is more pliable than we think. The anxiety we add to pain is one of the things that makes it seem unbearable.

So start by paying attention. Notice what happens to your body, your emotions, and your state of mind when you’re with your sister. Notice your breathing. See any patterns?

Doing this, you can turn a vague sense of feeling overwhelmed into something more workable. And you can better replenish your own strength because you know exactly what you need.

Try taking on-the-spot mini-breaks when you’re with your sister: soften your breathing, relax your body, and start over. Instead of holding on to her pain, try to be conscious of releasing it. You might see that your reactions are not all that solid—they come and go. And when you leave, you can do the same with the leftover pain.

Keep it simple: rest, take breaks, and treat each visit as unique. When you’re with your sister, be there fully, but when you leave, let it all go.

• An old college roommate insists I stay at his place when I’m in town for a conference. Let’s just say he wasn’t my tidiest roommate ever. I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but I really need a clean, comfortable place when I travel.

Whoa, wait a minute—are you sure your friend is still a slob? Is it possible that he’s keen on showing off his newly civilized lifestyle? And if not, would navigating a couple of messy days kill you?

If the unknown dangers of errant socks and less-than-fresh sheets is just too much to bear, invite him for dinner and scope out his place when you pick him up. If you’re horrified, your conference is an easy out—staying at a nearby hotel for convenience’s sake is tough to argue with.

Wherever you sleep, this is a great opportunity to explore the nature of your friendship. Feelings don’t get hurt; people do. Why? Because they don’t get what they want. If he’s insisting more than inviting, what might be behind that? In the end, that may prove a more interesting investigation than whether or not he’s dusted lately.

This article also appeared in the December 2013 issue of Mindful magazine.

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Ask Ms. Mindful – February 2014

• I want to say this in the nicest way possible, but I’m a weirdo magnet. In public, very complicated people gravitate to me. I pride myself on being pleasant, but these encounters are not. Help!

What do you mean by “weirdo”? I think you’re talking about those special people we all sometimes bump into in public and whom most of us avoid, or worse, treat as invisible. So, how about a change—try to see your encounters with these folks as opportunities to offer some recognition and respect to a fellow human being.

I don’t mean being a pushover. No one need endure bad behavior directed their way. But have you noticed that when you move into ward-off mode, people (like cats) are drawn to you all the more? If you take a moment to acknowledge that person—not as a weirdo, but a fellow being—and move on, it’s far more likely they will go their own way. Granted, sometimes that “moving on” needs to come by way of some sharp language, but if you’ve taken the time to regard this person as a person, the whole thing will likely come off better.

• I need to get my father to talk to me about drafting a will, but he shuts down when it comes to anything related to death. How can I keep this conversation focused on the practical details and sidestep the emotion?

Oh, those pesky emotions. Good luck sidestepping them here, though. Death and money? It doesn’t get more sensitive than that.

First, make sure you’ve worked through any emotional bumps you faced setting up your own will. (You do have a will, right?) This might allow you space to better acknowledge the difficulties he’s facing.

Realistically, you can’t force people to look at what they don’t want to look at or talk about what they’re not ready to talk about. But if you can tiptoe into this territory and initiate a discussion about your plans—past or future, and, yes, your feelings about death—that might help your dad open up, too.

• Three years after a romantic breakup, I’m still hurting. Even more confusing: I was the one who broke up with her. Why can’t I move on—especially as other wonderful people come into my life?

It’s good to ask yourself just what’s keeping this hurt going. You dumped her. Fine, but you’re also hanging on to her, or the idea of her. You must be, right? Because the pain’s still there. So why are you holding on?

Sometimes we would rather nurse one familiar hurt than risk the possibility of new kinds of pain. Figuring out why you’re holding on is the only way for you to get unstuck.

Even if you can only manage baby steps out of your inner drama—examine, say, just one “what if we’d stayed together” scenario today instead of six—you can begin to disrupt the pattern. Then you’ll have a better chance of connecting with the new people coming into your life.

This article also appeared in the February 2014 issue of Mindful magazine.

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Avoid the Office Minefield

(づ｡◕‿‿◕｡)づ WRITTEN BY PAM WEISS {Add entry before publishing}
(づ｡◕‿‿◕｡)づ

• Scenario: Huge generation gap between employees and management at a creative start-up. (Read: Different working styles, different work ethic, different idea of what a workday consists of.)
• Category: Workplace transformations
• Advisor: Pam Weiss

The key here is to open up to learn about your employees. Not just to understand their views and opinions about work, but to discover what they really care about. What’s appealing and engaging to them? What are their dreams and aspirations? What do they love doing? Who do they want to become?

One of the things social science tells us about younger generations is that they tend to be less inspired by external rewards and punishment and more by what author Daniel Pink calls “intrinsic motivation”— the passion and fire that come from within.

So listen with an open mind. Be curious. Be surprised. If you bring your full care and attention to each conversation, you’ll begin building the bridge to span the gap. This kind of listening illuminates connectedness—there are differences among generations, but we’re all dealing with the same challenges, stressors, ambitions—and it opens the possibility of discovering options and opportunities we might never have imagined.

Pam Weiss is an executive coach and founder of Appropriate Response

“If you bring your full care and attention to each conversation, you’ll begin building the bridge to span the gap.” Pam Weiss

• Scenario: A boss who talks negatively about members of staff with other members of staff without regard to reporting structure. (Read: My boss gossips about me with people who report to me.)
• Category: Managing up
• Advisor: Michael Carroll

It’s tough to “manage up,” to help your bosses be better at what they do. This is a precarious situation that’s likely to involve an awkward conversation if you choose to speak to your boss. But doing so with care is the brave thing to do. It’s also the most helpful.

When you head into the corner office for this tête-à-tête, be honest. It’s key to address not only the boss’s recklessness but also how you are feeling when bringing such information to light. Try something like: “Jennifer, I have to tell you, bringing this issue to your attention is very distressing for me. I’m feeling quite nervous and a little worried. But I also think it’s important for you to hear this….”

Openly expressing your anxiety and unease up front achieves two powerful things: it instantly makes the moment less organizational and more human, which can sidestep a possible workplace confrontation, and it improves the chances that you’ll genuinely be heard.

Michael Carroll is the author of The Mindful Leader: Awakening Your Natural Management Skills Through Mindfulness Meditation

This article also appeared in the April 2013 issue of Mindful magazine.

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Ask Ms. Mindful – June 2013

• My brother and I used to be close but then lost touch. We’ve reconnected, which is great, but it’s always on his terms. I want to develop our relationship, but I’m frustrated.

After a long gap, reconnecting can be awkward. It sounds like your brother is trying in his own way, so why not cut him some slack?

It won’t help to get caught up in who has the upper hand here. If you want to develop this relationship update—siblings 2.0—someone’s going to have to be more generous and patient. Why not you?

Keep connecting. And instead of dwelling on the times he doesn’t respond in the way you’d like, take advantage of the times he does. This is a good opportunity to work with your expectations— in particular, expecting other people to be the way we want them to be. What you would like to be happening is getting in the way of seeing what’s actually taking place. Focus on the small openings to move forward.

• My son-in-law is a good guy and good father, but he lacks life experience. He could use some now that he has children—my grandchildren. But giving advice as a father-in-law is tricky. How can I help without causing problems?

It’s a kick in the pants: when you could use a bit of life experience, you’re too young to have developed any. Now that you’re old enough to have life experience, no one wants to hear about it.

You have good intentions here, but so what? Advice is only helpful when someone asks for it. Otherwise, it comes off as a critique and stings.

Here’s a good practice: when you have the urge to give advice, don’t. And repeat.

You said your son-in-law is a good father. Tell him. Share stories of the quirky things that happened as you worked to be a good father.

Face it, advice is dirt cheap and (grand) father doesn’t always know best. A grandparent’s main practice should focus on love and acceptance and being there when you’re needed.

You were a good parent, you raised a good daughter, so trust that and let it go.

• I blew up at a friend who makes plans with me but often cancels at the last minute. Now she’s gone silent. I don’t regret confronting her, but how do I repair damage without glossing over the initial problem?

This is a real tangle of issues. First: anger. Giving feedback to your ever-cancelling friend may have been important, but your medium messed it up. Now you have a chance to examine how you deal with frustration—to understand why you let it build up until you pop.

Your friend is probably confused. And for good reason. She was used to you ignoring her rudeness and coming right back for more. Once you blew the whistle, you broke an arrangement that was working fine—for her. The practice is to figure out what was in it for you.

As for the damage, maybe you need to repair yourself first, before the relationship. You could reflect on why this person is important to you, why you’ve put up with the way she’s treated you, and what you want from her.

Then, assuming she’ll talk with you again, apologize for exploding and make a stab at examining the problem together and more calmly. Of course, there’s always the chance she’ll cancel on that, too!

This article also appeared in the June 2013 issue of Mindful magazine.

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Ask Ms. Mindful – August 2013

• I’m new to mindfulness, and it’s really helping me break some old patterns. My partner, not so much. How do I handle it when I’m trying new approaches but he’s still stuck?

Maybe mindfulness should come with a warning label. Yes, it calms things down (and who doesn’t want to be calmer?). But it also stirs things up. And that’s the tricky bit.

It’s great that you’re breaking these old patterns, but a breakthrough for you may be a threat for your partner. He or she may be afraid these old patterns are the very thing holding your relationship together.

The harder you push with your breakthroughs, the more your partner may dig in. And the more stuck he or she gets, the more angry and frustrated you’re apt to become. As far as patterns go, it’s a doozy.

So here’s a new breakthrough to ponder. Instead of trying to fix your partner, it might be more fruitful to apply your mindfulness practice to understanding your own frustration. It’s a great area to examine where you might be a bit stuck, too.

• I’m 45 and got married two years ago to a wonderful woman. But a terrible car accident several months ago has left her paralyzed on her right side with little chance of full recovery. I love her deeply, but I’m having great difficulty rethinking our future together, which will not be what either of us planned.

The future? It’s helpful to think about what that is.

The future doesn’t exist, except as an expectation about how things will go. In reality, our hopes and plans can, and do, disintegrate.

You and your wife have had a massive lesson in that fact. A recent one, too—a few months isn’t long to come to terms with major shock, fear, and change.

Consider what’s really been lost. Your wife has lost control of half of her body; you seem to be mourning an idea, a future expectation about how life was supposed to play out.

Don’t punish yourself for wishing the accident never happened. Instead, when you notice those thoughts—pining for a lost future or a different past—see them for what they are: impossible. Come back to what’s actually happening. The present may not be an easy place to be right now, but it’s real. It’s where you and your wife will find healing.

• For years my sister has relied on me for advice (you could call it nonprofessional therapy), and it’s pretty much at the root of our connection. I guess I’ve been getting something out of it too, but now I want to move the relationship forward. Can I do it without losing her?

How do you stop being a therapist to your sister? By being a better therapist.

Rather than cutting her off when she asks for advice, gently redirect her to her own resources and help her develop the confidence to rely on herself. That’s one of the best things a therapist can do.

And instead of falling into your usual pattern, you could reverse roles and make it a point to ask your sister for her advice.

Changing habits isn’t easy. You and your sister both got something out of this for years. Your sister has become attached to external confirmation and you were attached to being her advisor. If you’re the kind of person people generally come to for advice, it will be hard to escape that role.

You value this relationship with your sister. From that positive foundation, you can begin to bring it into a healthier balance.

This article also appeared in the August 2013 issue of Mindful magazine.

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Ask Ms. Mindful – April 2013

• My girlfriend and I are getting married. I love her. But I’m not sure she’s the one because our relationship didn’t start with fireworks. Is this marriage going to last?

Did you swoon over your favorite food when you first had it? Would you have jumped in front of a train for your cat when you brought her home from the shelter? Probably not.

Look at where you are right now. When you think of your fiancée, do you smile? When you’re apart, do you miss her? To unravel your feelings, reflect on the different layers of your relationship: physical love and sexuality, emotional love and friendship, and the mental love of open communication and respect.

Marriage challenges you and helps you grow in all three dimensions—it helps your partner develop too. When you commit to something, you can’t know where that commitment will lead. Being aware of what really matters to you is what’s important when you take that leap.

• My husband insists on picking up the check when we go to dinner with friends. I admire his generosity, but we simply can’t afford it. Once we’re home, we argue, and I come off as a cheapskate. Ouch.

Timing is your first problem. A household budget comes together over mindful light-of-day conversation. Talking about who’s breaking the rules on Friday after a night on the town? That’s asking to go to bed angry.

Have a conversation you’re prepared for, not a spur-of-the-moment slugfest.

Take some time to yourself to explore specific concerns about money. Can’t buy things you need because your husband spent the money already? Makes you resentful, right? If you suppress that feeling, you’ll tie yourself in knots. If you act on the anger, well, there you go again.

There’s a middle way. Notice how the fears feel in your body. When you tense up, breathe easy and continue to notice the sensations and thoughts that arise. Bring that calmness when you sit down to talk with your husband later.

Another thing. He’s got reasons for wanting to pick up the check. Find out what they are and respect that they have meaning for him. You want a conversation about cash, after all, not a fight about who’s right.

• My 15-year-old has stopped talking to us and he rarely smiles. If I try to draw him out, he gives one-syllable answers. I don’t know what to do.

It’s painful when a child seems to be pulling away, and it’s hard not to take it personally and resolve to harangue him into being the person he was.

But he’s not that person anymore. And you can’t badger him into transporting back in time.

Try to look beneath the silent and sullen exterior to the goodness of the boy you knew and raised and accept the changes he’s slogging through. Do you remember those years? The freight train of emotions and challenges and physical changes? Yikes.

It’s not the easy way, but give him his space. And never, ever stop checking in. His ears still work and you have to trust that he hears that you care and that you love him.

The good news? He’ll change again. And you can too. You can come out the other side with a broader perspective and a better sense of what you can control and what you can’t. No matter how much you harangue.

This article also appeared in the April 2013 issue of Mindful magazine.

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Short Talk & Meditation: Forgiving and Freeing Our Hearts (36:53 min) - Tara Brach

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Forgiveness for others becomes possible when we’ve held our own being with great compassion. This short talk and guided meditation brings forth our most awake and tender presence as we ask for forgiveness, offer care to the woundedness within us, and then extend forgiveness to another who has hurt us. (from the Spring 2018 IMCW 7-day Silent Retreat)

Join Tara in a 10-day online course on forgiveness available through Insight Timer: Free Yourself From Blame & Resentment.

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Editor

Mindful, North America’s leading mindfulness publication, is seeking an Editor to help shape the relevance and brand value of our print and digital publications. This person will combine strong print management abilities and planning and story development skills with an ability to help set online strategy. The Editor, who reports to Mindful’s Editor-in-Chief, will be a guiding and motivating force for editorial staff and contributors and possess a deep commitment to helping cultivate and grow diverse talent.

The Editor will assume full editorial management responsibility for the magazine, from strategic and conceptual product oversight with the Editor-in-Chief, to hands-on editing and story guidance. They will manage staff in the day-to-day execution of assignments and commission freelancers. One of their main responsibilities will be leading coverage of the connections between science and mindfulness meditation. Mindful is especially interested in journalism that represents all voices and experiences, ranging from local communities engaged in their own exploration to applications of mindfulness on a societal scale.

Responsibilities:

● Plan issues, editorial calendars, and yearly production schedule.
● Take a lead role with the art director on overall issue design and concept development.
● Recruit and engage a diverse group of high-quality freelance authors.
● Direct and manage editors and contributing editors in the development of story ideas for both features and departments.
● Review content prior to the copy-edit stage and review entire magazine at the proofing stage, and share top-editing duties with contributing editors.
● Assist in creation and implementation of the Web strategy; contribute content to the site.
● Contribute idea and expertise to other brand platforms.
● Represent the brand through public appearance and speaking engagements.
● Attend selected press events, openings, and trade shows as approved by the Editor in Chief.

The Editor will report to and act in consultation with the Editor-in-Chief.

Qualifications:

● At least 10 years of reporting and editing experience, including online
● Demonstrated knowledge and interest in the field or related topic
● Commitment to mentoring and diversifying the pool of writers working in mindfulness journalism
● Experience in long-form editing and multimedia journalism
● An extensive network of freelance writing contacts and experience working with contributors
● Ability to work in a fast-paced environment, juggling multiple priorities and deadlines
● Comfort with technology, social media, and digital tools for journalism
● Superior organizational skills and obsessive attention to details
● Sense of humor and comfort with ambiguity
● Excellent communication, interpersonal, and writing skills.
● Poise, tact, diplomacy, and the ability to interact with individuals at all levels of the organization

Mindful offers a dynamic and engaging editorial environment and the opportunity to be part of a trending movement with a mission that matters. To apply, please email cindy@mindful.org with “Editor” in the subject line, a resume, 3-5 work samples, and a cover letter.

Salary commensurate with experience. Mindful is a U.S. company with its main office based in Canada, but the job doesn’t have to be. We have staff remotely-based around the North American continent.

Deadline for Applications: July 6, 2018.

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Episode 3: Guided Mindfulness Meditation for Couples

The following article was posted on https://mindfulcreation.com

“Guided Mindfulness Meditation for Couples” by Reuben Lowe | Mindful Creation – Be Part of the Change.

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Episode 2: Urge surfing

The following article was posted on https://mindfulcreation.com

“Urge surfing” by Reuben Lowe | Mindful Creation – Be Part of the Change.

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Episode 1: Be Part of the Change

The following article was posted on https://mindfulcreation.com

“Be Part of the Change” by Reuben Lowe | Mindful Creation – Be Part of the Change.

from RSSMix.com Mix ID 8196908 https://mindfulcreation.com/be-part-of-the-change/

More than Meets the Eye

Few ingredients undergo such a radical transformation when cooked as onions. Who would think something pungent enough to set your eyeballs on fire can, with the application of a little heat, become so sweet, subtle, and rich?

My favorite season to cook with onions is in springtime when you can get them fresh. Fresh onions are a little milder than their dried counterparts because the drying process concentrates heir flavor. Regardless of which variety you use, onions are a flavor powerhouse. They can form the base for a hearty soup or stew, they can shine as the star of a dish, or they can be used sparingly as a garnish, adding zing to any meal. Few ingredients show up so often, in so many different ways, across such a vast range of cuisines, as the onion. Like Julia Child said, “It is hard to imagine a civilization without onions.”

For my recipe this issue, I wanted to celebrate the onion in all its complexity. This onion and ricotta tart with dill and Parmesan showcases the bold, earthy, and sweet flavor of onion by pairing it with an ingredient that mirrors each of those characteristics. The ricotta is sweet and rich, the Parmesan is bold and sharp, and the dill is earthy. Sprinkle some fresh greens on top, and you’ve got a balanced and delicious meal. À votre santé et bon appétit.

Onion and Ricotta Tart with Dill and Parmesan

Makes a 12-inch tart
Butter for the tart mold
1 12-inch pie crust of your choice
½ cup aged balsamic vinegar
¼ cup water
¼ cup cane sugar
4 stems of fresh cilantro
¼ teaspoon sea salt
1 bunch fresh white onions, bulbs only (5 ounces), finely sliced with a mandoline
1 cup whole milk ricotta cheese
1 large egg
1 tablespoon dill, chopped + more to serve
Pepper
¼ cup Parmesan cheese, grated
Shaved Parmesan, to serve
Mixed salad greens or arugula, to serve
Olive oil, to drizzle

Butter a 12-inch tart mold. Roll the crust and garnish the mold with it. Make small holes with a fork at the bottom; set aside in the fridge. In a pot, combine the balsamic vinegar, water, sugar, cilantro, and sea salt. Bring to a simmer. Add the sliced onions and simmer uncovered for 15 minutes. Remove and let cool for an hour. Preheat the oven to 375°F. In a bowl, beat the egg with the ricotta, dill, and grated Parmesan, and season with pepper. Take the tart out of the fridge and garnish with the ricotta mixture. Top with the onions without the juice or cilantro stems) and cook the tart for 45 minutes. Remove from the oven and garnish with chopped dill and shaved Parmesan. Top with mixed greens or arugula drizzled with olive oil.

Recipes, food styling, photographs, and narrative by Béatrice Peltre. Find more of her work at latartinegourmande.com.

Source: whfoods.com

 

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