When it comes to money, shame is present somewhere in us all, whether it’s right at the surface or swept under the rug, prompting big changes or holding us back from even starting our money healing journey.
We all carry it. Women, men, black, brown, white, young, old, short, tall, gay, straight, billionaires and paupers, spreadsheet enthusiasts and number-phobes, self-made entrepreneurs, welfare recipients, and trustfunders. Money shame is an equal opportunity affliction, and it does not discriminate based on who you are, where you’re from, how much money you earn, what percentage you save, whether you pay your taxes on time, or what your credit score is.
Your money shame might be tied to a specific experience in your life, your upbringing in general, or none of the above. Here are some variants I’ve heard:
“I’m just not good with money. I can’t be trusted with it.”
“I earn plenty, but I still seem to spend too much—how do I have this much debt?”
“I’m too right-brained, creative, and bad at math to be good with money.”
“If I make a lot of money, I’m betraying my working-class roots.”
“I should be further along with my savings/earnings/debt payoff/investment.”
“People who have money are bad.”
“I should have more money by now—the fact that I don’t means something’s wrong with me.”
“I’m too reliant upon my parents/husband/daughter for money. Why can’t I be more financially independent?”
“People like me shouldn’t make money; it’s dirty and unethical.”
“I only deserve money if I work really, really hard for it. Lazy people (like me) don’t deserve money.”
“Wanting more than ‘just enough’ money is selfish.”
Back in my social worker days, one of the heaviest pieces of money shame I carried was the belief that I shouldn’t try (or even want) to earn a comfortable income: That would be too materialistic, shallow, and un-spiritual. Instead, I told myself I should just do good work in the world and be happy with that. Unfortunately, this shameful money belief only fed into another: I was supposed to earn more money and “be a grown-up” about it. Satisfying both of these demands wasn’t just difficult; it was utterly impossible. Indeed, when we look directly at money shame, we can start to recognize all of those sneaky contradictions and impossible double-binds it puts us in.
This is an excerpt of Mindful’s feature piece from the October 2018 issue of Mindful magazine.
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