Listening to the Song – Part 1 - Tara Brach

Listening to the Song – Part I

Listening is more than a communications skill, it is a capacity that awakens our awareness. As we learn to listen inwardly, we begin to understand and care for the life that is here. And as we listen to others, that same intimacy emerges. In this two-part series we examine the blocks to listening and the practices that cultivate this essential domain of human potential. Our focus is both on the transformational power of listening in our personal lives, and also the necessity for deep listening if we are to bring healing to our wider society.

From the talk…

What are the qualities of heart and mind that are there when someone is really listening well?

Listening is the forerunner. If we don’t listen to the pain within and around us, we can’t respond.

We’ve got a really noisy society, and our minds get really noisy.

Listening is actually an evolutionary capacity. It’s a capacity that happens as we evolve our consciousness. And it involves a kind of inner quietness – a silence inside – letting go of that selfing where the thoughts keep circling. Respect that this is a process that requires training. It takes a lot of self-compassion, but intention is the beginning. Intention is what opens the door.

The beginning of listening to someone who is difficult is to listen inside to your reaction.

photo: shamosan – Pixabay.com

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Want to Pursue Happiness? Embrace All of Your Emotions

Our culture places a high value on happiness—having the best job, house, the most friends, things in general. We’re constantly in a state of grasping for something—filling ourselves up from the outside.

And it’s totally bumming us out.

Susan David is a psychologist at Harvard Medical School and author of Emotional Agility: Get Unstuck, Embrace Change, and Thrive in Work and Life. She says our obsession with happiness hinders our ability to do the hard work of living: being able to recover from setbacks when we inevitably make mistakes, or lose a job—you know, when that picture-perfect veneer we were working away at starts to erode.

It is really important that as human beings we develop our capacity to deal with our thoughts and emotions in a way that isn’t a struggle, in a way that embraces them and is with them and is able to learn from them.
—Susan David
Harvard Medical School

“It is really important that as human beings we develop our capacity to deal with our thoughts and emotions in a way that isn’t a struggle, in a way that embraces them and is with them and is able to learn from them,” says David in a recent video for Big Think. She continues:

What I worry about when there is this message of be happy is that people then automatically assume that when they have a difficult thought or feeling that they should push it aside, that it’s somehow a sign of weakness. And what that does is it actually stops people from being authentic with themselves. It hinders our ability to learn from our experience. And I believe that it is stopping us as a society, including our children, from developing higher levels of well-being and resilience.

David suggests we instead focus on what’s important for us, and happiness will become “a byproduct of that focus”:

Go Deeper: Listen to a Guided Mindfulness Practice for Turning Toward Difficulty

If you want to work on turning toward any difficulty you might be dealing with right now, explore this practice from meditation teacher and author Ed Halliwell, author of Into The Heart of Mindfulness. 

Sometimes our experience is painful and difficult. And there may be little or nothing we can do about the arising of the pain or difficulty. In these cases. We may be able to work with what’s happening skillfully by exploring our relationship to it. Most of us have a habitual pattern of turning away from problems or trying to get rid of unpleasant events. Unfortunately this often seems to increase our sense of stress because if pain is already present, you can’t get rid of it by trying to run away from it. So in mindfulness practice we gently experiment with reversing this habit by turning gently towards difficult experiences that come up in our meditation.

This practice is usually best done in small doses at first. Preferably working with difficulties that aren’t likely to be overwhelming. It’s important to remember that you’re in charge of how you undertake this experiment. You can return to mindfulness of breathing as an anchor at any time or let go of this practice for a while if you need to, being kind to yourself.

Research suggests that we turn towards pain and discomfort, we can experience less of it. Read more on the science and practice of staying present through difficult times.

What Is Happiness Anyway?

5 Science-Backed Strategies to Build Resilience

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Reflection: Heart Wisdom of Your Future Self (9:20 min) - Tara Brach

Reflection: Heart Wisdom of your Future Self –

By connecting with your future self, this reflection guides you in accessing the deep wisdom and unconditional love of your own awakening heart.

“I returned to the river. I returned to the mountains. I begged – I begged to wed every object and creature. And when they accepted, God was ever present in my arms. And He did not say, ‘Where have you been?’ For then I knew my soul – every soul – has always held him.”

Excerpt from: When I Was the Forest – Meister Eckhart

NOTE: this reflection from the closing of Tara’s talk: Trusting Our Awakening Heart

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When We Resist, We Empower the Thing We’re Fighting Against

Mindfulness is often described as an internal resource—for healing, for navigating change, and as a compass that helps us get curious about our passions and drives.

But when we’re clear on our core values, and they appear to be under attack, what role can our mindfulness practice play?

Judson Brewer is Director of Research at the Center for Mindfulness at the University of Massachusetts Medical School. His forthcoming book, The Craving Mind (Yale University Press, March 2017) explores how our impulse control often takes us off course when we participate in addictive behaviors—everything from smoking to binge-watching Netflix.

Resistance is also like a craving: We get pulled in to our reaction—perhaps excitement over disagreeing, feeling the need to claim our territory in particular divides. Anger, resentment, or fear can be intoxicating feelings. At the same time, when our country’s leadership attempts to put forward policies entrenched in these sentiments, it’s essential to communicate where we stand.

Brewer suggests that if we put too much stock in resistance as a response to injustice, we risk syphoning energy away from a just response. “Every moment we’re resisting, we’re creating a sense of self around that,” he says. Instead, letting go of resistance helps us choose the most efficient way to communicate our needs and act (daily Facebook rants about Trump exhausting all of your friends versus the Women’s March). This kind of letting go is the opposite of complacency.

Brewer has seen evidence that approaching events through the lens of equanimity eases resistance, and helps put us on a path to constructive action. When we stop holding tight to thoughts of “things need to be this way” or “this is my view, and yours is wrong,” there’s an opportunity for something different to happen—beyond fuelling a flame war. Both sides can start to do what they desperately need to do: communicate across the divide.

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Stephany Tlalka: What is equanimity?

Judson Brewer: We take mindfulness, awareness, where there’s no push or pull. That no push or pull—that’s the definition of equanimity. Where we’re not being pushed, we’re not being pulled. There’s an “even keel”-ness.

This is like in the Tao Te Ching quote where he talks about the mark of a moderate man is freedom from his own ideas, supple like a tree in the wind, steady like a mountain. Anything is possible from him because he has let go. That’s equanimity—the tree that bends in the wind, it’s not rigid. And then it pops back up, unharmed.

ST: I’m thinking of tough conversations people are having right now with friends, family members, and on social media—people want to communicate what’s important to them, and get the message across about things they think are wrong and need to change. There’s this need to solidify one’s position—and make it known. But I also imagine the tree is you with your values. You’re able to be flexible in the face of opposing value systems, uncertainty, or chaos—you’re able to be resilient.

Resistance = Reactivity

JB: If we get too attached to our views, then we’re going to lose sight of how to live them out. Because when we resist—when we’re not the supple tree that bends in the wind—we’re not able to deal with what’s actually happening right now. We say, “I don’t want this to be this way.” It’s like one of those blow-up clown punching bags that’s supposed to pop back up after you punch it. Each time we reject what’s happening, we add sand to the doll, making it heavier. Then, we’re no longer able to pop back up. Then what happens? I knocked myself out because it’s so heavy. I’ve exhausted myself.

If we get too attached to our views, then we’re going to lose sight of how to live them out. Every moment we’re resisting, we’re creating a sense of self around that.

Every moment we’re resisting, we’re creating a sense of self around that. Reactivity is resistance is attachment to views.

ST: So you can’t actually live out your values when you are resisting. You’re actually working against yourself.

JB: Right. And you’re putting a ton of energy into building that up when in reality it’s like building a wall in the middle of a river. The water is going to find a way to flow around it. And we just waste our time building that wall.

ST: What about individuals who are firmly entrenched in a value system that excludes others? How can we approach hate with equanimity?

JB: Curiosity can help support equanimity. When we’re resisting something, we’re contracting. And that contraction creates a sense of self. “This is my view,” creates a sense of self. Curiosity has the opposite quality—an opening up, expansiveness.

When we’re approaching someone who holds an entrenched view, we put up a curiosity which naturally leads us away from initiating one of those “I hate you, you’re stupid” wars (those “you’re stupid” “no, you’re stupid” debates people can get into when tempers flare). So we dive in and we’re suddenly curious: What is it about you’re conditioning? We don’t want to say it that way, but really that’s what it is. What is it about your conditioning that leads you to have that view? Isn’t that interesting? Why are you so…and then suddenly we totally want to understand where they’re coming from. And usually this is some sense of inadequacy, trauma, feeling insufficient.

There are now neuro-correlates of contraction versus expansion. When we’ve done these real time neurofeedback studies on meditators, it’s that contracted quality of experience that activates the posterior cingulate cortex (PCC)—a core region of the default mode network in the brain involved in memory and emotion. And it’s the “letting go”/expansion aspect de-activates the PCC.

ST: So curiosity allows you to explore how peoples’ vulnerabilities can motivate them to resist, which can lead to toxic viewpoints—which we may hold in our own selves, too.

JB: Right, so we can let go of our own toxic viewpoints and then suddenly try to put ourselves in the other person’s shoes. And if we can do that then we can start speaking their language and if we can start speaking their language then they’re going to feel heard. And suddenly we’re having a conversation as compared to a yelling match. How can we start to approach any major issue without understanding where the other is coming from? If they need something and we don’t know what that need is we’re not going to get anywhere.

Can (and Should) We Be Even-Tempered When Our Anger is Justified?

ST: Where does an even-tempered, equanimous response fit into a scenario where you see people in positions of power shirking their responsibilities? Is there room for just anger in an equanimous response?

JB: I think the first step here is being able to see clearly the results of our actions. We’re not skillful if we’re not efficient with our energy.

An angry response may seem justified—somebody acts in a misogynistic way, for example. So what arises from that? That’s causing suffering—and then there’s an added piece to that, which is: I’m super attached to that view. I’m going to get really angry and then my ego can kind of slip in, thinking, I deserve to be angry. I deserve to be angry because this is a correct view. So at that moment we can step in and ask ourselves, How does foaming at the mouth actually help us change anything? Your foaming at the mouth will cause the other side to put up their defenses.

It comes back to skillful action. The real question is what does resistance get us. If we puff up our chest, and affirm ours is the right view and yours is the wrong view, we’re creating boundaries and separation. We’re not understanding the other side. We’re engendering resistance on their side because we’re modeling it—that doesn’t help anything, it doesn’t change the fact that the injustice caused suffering—we’re just causing more suffering on top of this.

There are many examples of injustice. But the critical piece is how we relate to those. If we puff up our chest, this is a contraction around pride. This is the right view and yours is the wrong view. Suddenly we’re creating boundaries and separation. We’re not understanding the other side. We’re engendering resistance on their side because we’re modeling it—that doesn’t help anything, it doesn’t change the fact that the injustice caused suffering—we’re just causing more suffering on top of this.

So it comes back to skillful action. The real question is what does resistance get us. It’s not to say that we can’t stand up and say this is not right. But the resistance is that suffering—we’re adding suffering on top of pain. I’m not sure that that’s the most skillful way to proceed.

That’s not to say “don’t resist” because that might suggest we should be complacent. It’s really about seeing where we’re taking something personally and thinking that because it feels exciting to resist and engendering a personal view of “I am”—whereas to flow in the world, to be most connected, we have to break down those barriers of “I am” as in “I am better than you.”

ST: Do you think the Women’s March on Washington added to suffering?

JB: The march was an important way for one side to send a message to the other side: we’re not happy with what’s happening, we’re not okay with this. That’s an important first step. If there was violence or anything like that, it would have sent the same defensive message back. And the go-forward from the march is to engender a skillful grassroots movement for people to come together to work at local levels to influence what’s going on at the federal levels. This is a great example of efficient, skillful communication.

ST: Do you think hosting protests the day of and after the inauguration could be seen resistance of the sort you’ve been describing—reactive, attempting to rile up the other side?

JB: I don’t know how else one can convey the message that this is an important issue to so many people than having many, many people gather and speak their voice so they can be heard. And so we can understand clearly what the issues are. It might rile up an empowered group. But if I were the empowered group I’d want to know: 1) How big of a deal this is and 2) If it’s a big deal what they’re talking about [what their needs are]because if I can’t speak to those then I’m going to get voted out if it’s a big enough movement.

The Mindful Guide to Straight Talk

A Loving-Kindness Meditation to Cultivate Resilience

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Can Mindfulness Help Us Navigate the Fourth Industrial Revolution?

Last week saw a gathering of over 4000 politicians, private sector leaders, policymakers, and experts for the fifth annual World Government Summit in Dubai. The speakers, who included Prime Minister of Japan Shinzo Abe, the new Secretary General of the United Nations António Guterres, and visionary entrepreneur Elon Musk, covered 114 different topics that will shape future governments. Amongst the core themes were familiar anxieties about inequality, extremism and climate change, but also a new recognition that globalization isn’t working for everyone and that we’re about to plunge into a ‘Fourth Industrial Revolution’ that will potentially bring even greater disruption and dislocation.

The exponential rate of development in new technologies will revolutionize almost every industry worldwide within the coming decades. Rapid breakthroughs in artificial intelligence, robotics, autonomous vehicles, 3-D printing, the internet of things, nanotechnology and, biotechnology promise to dissolve the distinction between our physical and digital worlds forever.

A 2015 study predicted that one in four US jobs will be automated within 10 years, and that the jobs of many administrative and clerical workers are no safer than those of manual workers.

At the Summit, Uber founder Travis Kalanik predicted that within 5-10 years most taxis will be automated and, rather than calling a driver, we’ll communicate with cars through sophisticated AI. These changes will likely lead to such an abundance of cheap and easy transport that most of us are unlikely to own our own cars. But what becomes of the people who currently drive cabs, trucks, buses and trains? A 2015 study predicted that one in four US jobs will be automated within 10 years, and that the jobs of many administrative and clerical workers are no safer than those of manual workers. In the UK, the Bank of England estimates that roughly 15 million jobs could be at risk. Meanwhile, the political order across the western world is already convulsing as those who feel left behind by the unassailable logic of global markets seek ways to comprehend their predicament and make their voices heard.

Many speakers at the summit articulated variations on the following three proposals to address these emerging tensions:

1.) We urgently need “new, human-centered thinking—considering happiness, wellbeing, purpose and meaning” in policy-making, according to Professor Klaus Schwab, founder of the World Economic Forum. Professor Jeffrey Sachs suggested that economics should become a moral science, whilst speakers including Elon Musk discussed the inevitability of needing a new economic model or social contract, including perhaps a ‘universal basic income.’ As new ways of organizing society are assessed, we must do so through a ‘human-centered’ lens rather than blindly serving existing systems.

2.) We need to develop 21^st century job skills that cannot be replaced by robots and AI, which means exploring and cultivating what makes us uniquely human. President of the World Bank, Dr. Jim Kim, proposed that we must cultivate STEMpathy (science, technology, engineering, maths + empathy), because increasingly, what we know matters less than how we apply it. Joseph Aoun, President of Northeastern University, predicted that we are entering the ‘age of humanics,’ rather than an age of robotics, which he defined as “an age that integrates our human and technological capacities to meet the global challenge of our time.”

3.) The ultimate aim of governments should be cultivating the optimum conditions for human happiness, according to world leaders like the Prime Ministers of Bhutan and the United Arab Emirates. The new science of positive psychology and wellbeing presented at the summit by Professor Martin Seligman and others shows that there are ways in which we can all learn to be happier, and the degree to which we are happy has a major impact on our productivity and employability—learning how to live isn’t necessarily different from learning how to earn a living.

Dr Kim argued that investing in the psychological health of future generations is not just the right thing to do, but is also important for social stability. If the Fourth Industrial Revolution leads to inescapable mass-unemployment the focus of schools on preparing young people for the job market may be thrown into question, but in any case, children should be taught how to live well.

…investing in the psychological health of future generations is not just the right thing to do, but is also important for social stability.

Three Ways Mindfulness Training Can Prepare Us to Meet the Challenges of the Fourth Industrial Revolution

1) Develop our capacity for compassionate thinking

Firstly, ‘new, human-centered’ thinking requires our current leaders and decision makers in society to have a more intimate understanding of their own humanity. Mindfulness practice is about more than just attention training. It’s also largely about developing kind curiosity towards inner experience, and provides a framework for deep inquiry into the psychological mechanisms of distress and wellbeing. So through mindful awareness, leaders have the opportunity to learn about the human condition by exploring their own hearts and minds.

Furthermore leaders need empathy to resonate with the people they serve – to avoid preoccupation with an abstract concept of the nation state, “Progress” or “The Market.” Mindfulness training has consistently been shown to develop empathy – for example, heightened neural responses to seeing others in distress. This heightened empathy arises in part through the development of body awareness—as it turns out, the more we are grounded in the body and know stillness, the more we can feel moved.

2) Provide a competitive edge for the core 21^st century skill sets

Although robots will eventually take on most manual tasks and AI will progressively out-compete our limited intelligence, our technology can’t yet claim consciousness, empathy, or compassion. There is great value to us in being seen, being heard, and relating to other conscious creatures. Feeling listened to by a doctor, for example, is just as important as technical competence in our assessment. And research increasingly associates levels of social connection with better mental health, physical healing rates, and life expectancy.

It goes without saying that anything that we can do on autopilot, robots and AI will soon do better.

Mindfulness is a natural capacity, present in all of us to some extent. But we are all too familiar with its opposite: a default, heedless, distracted state often described as ‘autopilot’. It goes without saying that anything that we can do on autopilot, robots and AI will soon do better. Mindfulness may come to be seen as the core 21^st century capacity, because it concerns our only competitive advantage over the machines: awareness itself.

3) Expand our ability to live a life of meaning

Even though practices like mindfulness will help us to create unique value by exploring and developing our ‘humanness’, we may still be progressively less able to do tasks of significant economic worth. If we’re successful in creating a human-centered economy that plays to our best qualities, then this may mean that we work fewer hours, or fewer days. But it may also mean that many of us will be unemployed. If this is the case, how will we use our time? What will education teach us? How will we deal with the tensions that these changes unleash in society? What will give our lives meaning?

These and many more questions will assail us as a species in years not too far from now. To navigate them well together, we will require a deep understanding of ourselves and each other— and knowledge of behaviors that underpin healthy emotional functioning. Volunteering, self-development, and caring for others are likely to be some part of the picture. Perhaps we’ll even begin to see ourselves as our own life’s work. We might even direct our energies into the hard toil of self-discovery and the training of heart and mind, reducing stress, and cultivating happiness in ways that only our own efforts can achieve. Far from just another fad, perhaps the mindfulness craze is the start of a macro trend towards putting self-awareness and contemplative practice at the centre of human endeavor. Let’s hope so.

 

3 Ways to Get Better at Dealing With Change

Survival of the Kindest

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Mindfulness for Cancer Recovery: Living—and Healing—in the Moment

Twenty-five years ago, Linda Carlson was a graduate student in a clinical psychology class at McGill University when she met a classmate who would become her meditation teacher. He had just returned from seven years at a Thai monastery and offered to lead a small group of students in a weekly sitting meditation. Carlson immediately joined him, along with Kirk Brown, author of the Mindful Attention Awareness Scale, the first measure developed to self-report mindfulness. Brown knew Jon Kabat-Zinn, founder of Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction, and eventually invited him to speak at the university. As Carlson sat riveted in the audience, she had no idea that she would later adapt his MBSR program to help women in cancer recovery.

As a PhD student, she studied hormones and behavior in Alzheimer’s patients and healthy older people. By her internship year, she had found her calling in psychosocial oncology and mindfulness. Today, she is a full professor in the departments of oncology and psychology at the University of Calgary and a clinical psychologist and director of research at the Tom Baker Cancer Centre. Over 2,000 people have been through the yoga and meditation program at the centre, in groups of 15 to 20 at a time.

I caught up with Dr. Carlson by phone and we talked about her pioneering research and clinical work on mindfulness practice in cancer recovery.

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Lu Hanessian: Two decades ago, during your internship year as a grad student, some of your colleagues were just starting a mindfulness group for cancer patients and survivors. At that time, you had already been practicing mindfulness and yoga for several years. Did this feel like a perfect fit for you?

Linda Carlson: I remember when I came in as a student, it felt like a huge “a-ha!” for me. A lot of people who work in oncology have some experience with losing a loved one, a parent, but that wasn’t the case for me. It was a really interesting way to study the mind-body connection. I introduced my colleagues to MBSR, and we started adapting the program for our patients. It had yogic elements, pranayama, mindfulness meditation. My colleague Michael Speca and I went down and trained with Jon Kabat-Zinn. As we published more, we realized it needed its own identity because it wasn’t standard MBSR, but an adaptation.

LH: An adaptation which you called Mindfulness Based Cancer Recovery or MBCR. You and Michael Speca wrote a patient manual in 2011 called Mindfulness-Based Cancer Recovery: A Step-by-Step MBSR Approach to Help You Cope with Treatment and Reclaim Your Life. What were you looking for in your first studies with cancer patients?

LC: At first, we looked at psychological outcomes. We focused on stress symptoms, mood disturbance, anxiety, depression, anger, physiological as well as psychological stress through self-report. The first study we did, published in 2000, was seminal because it was the first study anyone had ever done with mindfulness as a scientific framework with cancer patients.

LH: What outcome did you observe in cancer patients who had followed your MBCR program?

LC: We were just shocked by the magnitude of the improvements. It was a randomized controlled trial, and we had a comparison group who weren’t doing the program. We found a 65% reduction in mood disturbance on the total score. We thought, “Wow! We’re on to something here.”

LH: You went on to study immune function, hormones, and then, a few years ago, telomere length in breast cancer patients. Specifically, whether the MBCR program or a support group intervention might have any effect on telomere length, the protein complexes at the ends of chromosomes which are associated with aging.

LC: As people get older, their telomeres get shorter as their cells divide successively. But we also see shorter telomere length in certain diseases, like cancer, and in people under certain chronic stress like caregivers. In our study, we found that the group who had the MBCR intervention or support group had no change in telomere length. In the group that did not have the intervention, their telomeres had become shorter after that three-month period. It was the first time anyone had shown an impact of a short-term intervention on telomere length.

LH: An impact on a cellular level. So these mindfulness interventions seemed to help maintain or slow down the shortening of telomere length and slow down cell aging?

LC: Yes, even though the effect wasn’t huge and we don’t actually know what the magnitude means in terms of disease progression and life expectancy, it definitely was a fascinating and compelling outcome.

LH: Is there is a biology of mindfulness?

LC: Actually yes, we do know that mindfulness practice down-regulates sympathetic nervous system activity and up-regulates the vagal nerve and parasympathetic nervous system which stimulates the relaxation response. And we know that this is tied into the immune system, so it also results in less inflammation and less of the psychological symptoms associated with inflammation. We also know that inflammation is tied into what’s happening with gene expression.

LH: All of which is important to improving health and promoting recovery. In what ways is a mindfulness approach relevant to the cancer experience? Are there parallels?

For many people, it’s a catalyst or transition period. They look at their life and wonder what’s important. What are my values? What does an authentic life look like? What brings me meaning and purpose?

LC: It turns out that some of the most difficult elements of the cancer experience are very well-suited to a mindfulness practice. When a person gets diagnosed, there’s fear and uncertainty about the future. There’s the loss of routine and predictability. There’s the physical aspect, the treatment or surgery, pain, insomnia, which almost everybody gets, and the post-treatment fatigue. A lot of people find the hardest time is from active treatment to survivorship or post-treatment period where all of a sudden, it’s time to get back to one’s life, but what’s the new normal? For many people, it’s a catalyst or transition period. They look at their life and wonder what’s important. What are my values? What does an authentic life look like? What brings me meaning and purpose?

LH: One can see how all those questions dovetail with a choice to practice living more mindfully, meaningfully—and fully.

LC: It’s beautiful, actually, and people are so open at this point in their life because they’re scared and live with that anxiety. Being in this present moment, letting go, practicing non-attachment and acceptance are so helpful in dealing with uncertainty and fear. Mindfulness is something that they use for the rest of their lives for really great benefit. We’ve done interview studies with people, and we hear amazing stories about how their lives have been transformed.

LH: Through this work, have you found that mindfulness practice is a gateway to self-compassion for you patients, feeling tenderly connected to one’s body, even as it changes?

In many ways, MBCR becomes a complete do-over for people.

LC: Absolutely. People may have feelings of betrayal that their body has let them down. Many people feel that they had taken good care of themselves and still got sick, so it’s a re-acquainting, a re-friending of the body. That’s why the body scan exercise is so helpful. The yoga and the mindful movement part of the program is important too, because it’s embodied. In many ways, MBCR becomes a complete do-over for people.

LH: Are patients in the your MBCR program a different kind of student when it comes to learning and practicing mindfulness?

It’s that recognition that life is temporary that allows us to live more fully in the moment.

LC: People with cancer are the best students! They’re the most dedicated practitioners, because, in a way, they have the most to lose. It’s that recognition that life is temporary that allows us to live more fully in the moment. People don’t ask to be diagnosed with cancer, but they’re given an opportunity to, in a real sense, experience the vividness and the exquisiteness of the moment.

LH: Teaching these MBCR groups is the only clinical work you do now. Why?

LC: Because it reminds me every time why I do the research and what’s important in life. It’s easy to to get swept away in the day to day fatigue, deadlines, and pressure. Doing this work is what keeps me grounded.

LH: Full circle.

LC: Totally. Every week, when I teach a class, I leave saying to myself, “That was the right thing to do.”

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Mindfulness Meditation Practice for Cancer Patients — 2:1 Breathing to Alleviate Insomnia

According to the National Cancer Institute, up to half of cancer patients have trouble sleeping. Insomnia is the most common sleep disturbance, affecting up to eighty percent of patients. Emotional distress, side effects from medications, and pain all contribute to difficulty falling asleep. But insomnia is not mere inconvenience. Getting adequate deep sleep lowers stress hormones like cortisol, boosts immune function, reduces inflammation, and promotes the body’s healing mechanisms.

Dr. Linda Carlson teaches her patients a breathing exercise that has been successful in helping them relax and fall asleep. Based on what she calls “2 to 1 breathing,” this exercise is best done while in bed, in a dark room, in preparation for sleep.

How it Works

1. Begin by lying on your back. Breathe in for a count of 4, exhale for 8. Do this 8 times.
2. Turn to your left side. Breathe in for 4, out for 8. Do this 16 times.
3. Turn to your right side. Breathe in for 4, out for 8. Do this 32 times.

The Benefits

• Reduced insomnia
• Increased relaxation
• Less anxiety
• Decreased feeling of overwhelm

Why it Works

This 2:1 breathing exercise combines gentle, diaphragmatic breathing with an extended exhalation, which shifts the autonomic nervous system from sympathetic “fight-flight” response to the body’s “rest-and-digest” parasympathetic response.

Why the longer exhale?

“By lengthening the exhale, you’re stimulating the parasympathetic system’s relaxation response which reduces stress and calms the mind,” Carlson explains.

What’s the purpose for switching side from left to right and specifically ending on the right side?

“Switching sides mimics alternate nostril breathing in yoga. You always end on your right side because that compresses the right nostril which forces you to breathe more through the left nostril which stimulates the right brain for more relaxation and prepares people for sleep. The other reason it works is it keeps your mind really busy with all the counting, and people usually fall asleep before they’re done!”

For an online version of MBCR, visit emindful.com.

The Healing Power of Mindfulness

No Blueprint, Just Love

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How to Be Mindful With Your Cravings

When it comes to the universally-not-so-fun experience of craving, it goes something like this: my old job gave me an iPhone to keep me in the loop, which soon led to the intense pleasure of flicking through the app store and downloading my first version of the game “Angry Birds,” which then sparked more cravings of app-related things. My phone and I became fast friends—though I was a jealous, needy friend, and kept my iPhone clamped tight to my hip in a pouch, not unlike an old West gunslinger with his colt revolver. Ask my wife about my compulsive phone-checking at the dinner table and you’ll know a bit about what became my addictive cycle of non-work-related phone-fun (and suffering). Whether it be the mindless nudge toward your phone screen, a thick slice of cake, a cigarette, or various substances, craving is familiar to us all.

Mindfulness could be the key to cutting the link between conditioned cues of desired objects and the craving that leads to addictive behavior.

Beware the Habit-Forming Brain

Researchers like Judson Brewer at the Center for Mindfulness at the University of Massachusetts have studied the cycle of desire. Brewer and his colleagues have shown how addictions operate through a process of conditioning the brain:

• First, we sense objects of desire around us (e.g. TV, food, phones—selfies!, sex, etc.).
• Second, our brains link these up as either pleasant or unpleasant. We then end up craving the pleasant—even if it’s something like alcohol that, by itself doesn’t at first taste pleasant, we end up craving how it leads to both a pleasurable experience as well as taking away unpleasant things (like sadness or worry).
• The initial experience of satisfying a craving creates a new memory in the brain. We continue to seek out actions to satisfy the desire and thus an addictive pattern is born.

As Brewer points out in his new book, The Craving Mind, we are never in direct contact with the objects of our desires—only with mental representations of them in our minds. And it’s this fact that holds the promise of freedom from the destructive cycle of craving (particularly at the level of life-bleeding addiction). We can’t change the objects that trigger our desire—those cues will continue unabated and unbidden. But we can change how we relate to our mental experiences of them—the word thoughts, mental images, and bodily sensations of desire. “Craving is the link that is targeted here in cutting through the cycle of dependent origination” writes Brewer and colleagues.

Brewer’s research suggests that mindfulness is key to cutting the link between conditioned cues of desired objects and the craving that leads to addictive behavior. “Mindfulness functions to decouple pleasant and unpleasant experiences from habitual reactions of craving and aversion by removing the affective bias that fuels such emotional reactivity.”

Whereas more traditional or “relapse prevention” approaches to treating addictive craving focus on shifting the environment, problem solving, avoiding addiction cues, and boosting positive feelings, mindfulness offers the possibility of severing the cycle at its source in the brain, and treatment outcome studies in areas such as smoking cessation are increasingly bearing out the promise of this approach.

Resilience in the Face of Cravings: Flexibility vs. Forcing the Mind

When faced with a day’s activities and situations full of temptations (cake, drink, or something more of the libidinal variety), a torrent of thoughts run through the mind: Here we go again . . . I can’t believe I’m about to go down this road again! . . . Why do I always have to do this . . . It’s the weekend, I deserve to indulge . . . I’ll make it my New Year’s Resolution to stop . . . (Add your own examples, perhaps plus an expletive or two).

The pull of cravings (and the disruption this intense desire has on emotional, physical, relational, and perhaps financial well-being) suggests it may be important to get things on a less compulsive, more compassionate, and flexible track. The thoughts and mental images present themselves as real and in need of immediate gratification. “You need this now!” they scream. They often imply an absolute aspect of time with words like “never” and “always.” How effective are you when you get stuck thinking in these ways? Do thoughts infused with these characteristics help or hinder your ability to manage your daily life?

An alternative is to build flexibility into how you relate to your own desirous thoughts. Instead of more junk calories, or another fling within a toxic relationship, what you need is a heaping helping of mindful awareness of thinking—of observing your own thoughts without buying into them as absolute truth or trying to force them away.

What’s more helpful is to build your capacity to serve as a witness to your own thoughts. The moment you try to do so, you are mindful of your thoughts, instead of being the thoughts. Typically, when we think about something we crave, that thought feels very close, as if it’s inside us, part of who we are. Mindfulness helps us see the thought as merely a moment of information.

Try telling yourself not to think about a thick slice of chocolate cake. Do it right now. Don’t let yourself think about it, not even a little bit! Pointless, right? You can’t force thoughts away, particularly ones with the energy and momentum of desire behind them.

What’s more helpful is to build your capacity to serve as a witness to your own thoughts. Can you notice yourself thinking right now? Pause and try it. Can you observe your own inner voice? The moment you try to do so, you are mindful of your thoughts, instead of being the thoughts. Typically, when we think about something we crave, that thought feels very close, as if it’s inside us, part of who we are. Mindfulness helps us see the thought as merely a moment of information. It’s just a thought. Just one of the thousands our minds churn out on a daily basis.

Mindfulness practice helps us learn to go behind the impulse and watch your own thinking, to notice that thoughts come and go on their own. This sounds simple, yet takes considerable practice. Like bubbles you’ve blown, thoughts are just there. They float around a bit and eventually drift away and pop.

Mindfulness Practice: Witness Your Cravings

Many modern cars have a navigation (“nav”) system built into them—devices meant to guide us in unfamiliar territory, and help us anticipate what lies ahead. Much like our always-thinking, and often-craving minds, nav systems are representations of reality—thoughts (including desirous ones) are meant to guide us toward something (or somewhere) we want, but they are NOT the real road itself.

With the practice below, you can begin to notice cravings (and mental images and thoughts in general) as mere nudges or cues from your internal nav system. You can learn to consult your nav (because desire isn’t necessarily always bad) when appropriate, and yet keep your focus on the road ahead.

When you find yourself lost in a sea of craving, try the following:

1. Find a comfortable stable position, either seated, lying down, or even standing (because craving comes to us in all postures!) and observe the next several breaths.

2. Bring your attention to the sensation of breathing, noting the rising of the in-breath and falling of the out-breath for a few moments.

3. Acknowledge to yourself, “I’m having the thought that [insert desirous thought].” This will help you step back and watch the craving. Imagine that it’s the voice coming from your nav system—it’s telling you about a possible craving-related experience ahead. You don’t have to go in that direction though. You can simply note what the nav system of your car is saying and sit back and “watch” (the nav and the road!). This is very different than arguing with the craving, or trying to force it away.

4. Take another breath and mentally place the thought on the screen (if it’s a mental picture) or imagine it as the voice of the nav system. Vividly imagine the shape, color, size, movement, and sounds of your craving. For a single, full, deep breath, just watch and listen to your craving. No need to debate it. It’s just there. . . . information being delivered to you, not your full reality.

5. And now ask yourself: What will happen if I keep staring at the screen of my nav as I’m driving my life? How will things pan out? You’ll, of course, wreck the car! Are you willing to merely consult the nav (the cravings-filled thoughts and images—as we’ve discussed, they may actually be useful). Maybe there’s a wake-up call there as to something that would not just bring your pleasure, but might enliven your life, allow you to enjoy the ride?

6. Are you willing to consider this desire in a balanced way? Is it something that makes sense to move toward, or are you feeling driven by it? Are you willing to not just listen to and watch your nav, but also take in the full truth of what’s happening both inside and outside the car—in the world around you? Are you willing to take it all in and then keep driving in a direction that really matters to? Maybe you’d go in the direction the nav points, and maybe not. You—the fully aware driver—get to decide.

The goal with this practice is to shift from a rigid frame of thinking to foster instead a more flexible relationship with your desires. This requires a lot of practice. To be of real benefit, this practice must become a habit. Such a habit will give you a measure of psychological freedom whether it be a mild chocolate impulse or an intense self-destructive urge.

References

Brewer, Judson et al. (2012). Craving to quit: Psychological models and neurobiological mechanisms of mindfulness training as treatment for addictions. Psychology of Addictive Behaviors, 1-14.

Brewer, Judson (2017). The Craving M­­ind. Yale University Press.

Harris, Russ (2008). The Happiness Trap. Trumpeter Publishing.

Wilson, Kelly & DuFrane, Troy (2012). The wisdom to know the difference: An acceptance and commitment therapy workbook for overcoming substance abuse. Oakland: New Harbinger.

Beware the Habit-Forming Brain!

Are You a Creature of (Bad) Habits?

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Being Truthful - Tara Brach

Being Truthful –

The grounds of happiness, loving relationships and a just and flourishing society is honesty. And yet our current times are characterized by a plethora of deception – both societally, and often in more subtle ways, in our personal lives. This talk examines the deep conditioning we have to deceive others, and to avoid facing and acknowledging our own vulnerability. We then explore how we can commit ourselves to deepening our truth telling, and in so doing, creating a climate of integrity and trust that can lead to a more compassionate world.

photo: geralt – Pixabay.com

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Your Breath is Your Brain’s Remote Control

We have all heard this simple saying during times of trouble: “Take a deep breath in.” Science being science, however, indicates that we may now have to update this old adage to read “Take a deep breath in it will help you be more emotionally aware but only if you inhale specifically through your nostrils and not your mouth—good luck.”

While this may seem a lengthy tip to recall in the midst of uh-oh moments, the power of active breathing—voluntarily inhaling and exhaling to control our breathing rhythm—has been known and used throughout history. Even today, in tactical situations by soldiers, or in extreme cold conditions by the Ice Man, we know that slow, deep breathing can calm the nervous system by reducing our heart rate and activating the parasympathetic (calming) nervous system. In this way, our bodies become calm, and our minds also quieten. Recently, however, a new study has found evidence to show that there is actually a direct link between nasal breathing and our cognitive functions.

We have all heard this simple saying during times of trouble: “Take a deep breath in.” Science being science, however, indicates that we may now have to update this old adage to read “Take a deep breath in it will help you be more emotionally aware but only if you inhale specifically through your nostrils and not your mouth—good luck.”

How Nasal Breathing Influences the Brain

Northwestern Medicine scientists were interested in understanding how breathing affects the brain regions responsible for memory and emotional processing. Through a series of experiments, they discovered that nasal breathing plays a pivotal role in coordinating electrical brain signals in the olfactory “smell” cortex—the brain regions that directly receive input from our nose—which then coordinates the amygdala (which processes emotions) and the hippocampus (responsible for both memory and emotions). We know that the “smell” system is closely linked to the limbic brain regions that affect emotion, memory and behaviour, which is why sometimes a particular smell or fragrance can evoke very strong emotional memories. This study shows, additionally, that the act of breathing itself, even in the absence of smells, can influence our emotions and memory.

Initially, the scientists examined the electrical brain signals of 7 epilepsy patients with electrodes in their brains, and found that the ongoing rhythms of natural, spontaneous breathing are in sync with slow electrical rhythms in our brain’s “smell” region. Then, they also found that during nasal inhalation, the fast electrical rhythms in the amygdala and hippocampus became stronger. One way to understand this is to think of the system as an orchestra: our nasal breathing is the grand conductor, setting the tempo for the slow playing of the smell regions of the brain while weaving in the faster rhythms of the emotion and memory regions.

The In-Breath Encodes Memories and Regulates Emotions

To further understand these synchronous effects that nasal breathing has on our brain regions, the scientists then conducted separate experiments on 60 healthy subjects to test the effects of nasal breathing on memory and emotional behavior. Subjects were presented with fearful or surprised faces, and had to make rapid decisions on the emotional expressions of the faces they saw. It turns out that they were able to recognize the fearful faces (but not surprised faces) much faster, when the faces appeared specifically during an in-breath through the nose. This didn’t happen during an out-breath, nor with mouth breathing. The scientists also tested memory (associated with the hippocampus), where the same 60 subjects had to view images and later recall them. They found that memory for these images was much better if they first encountered and encoded these images during an in-breath through the nose.

Our in-breath is like a remote control for our brains, directly affecting electrical signals that communicate with memory and emotional processing centers.

These findings show a system where our in-breath is like a remote control for our brains: by breathing in through our nose we are directly affecting the electrical signals in the “smell” regions, which indirectly controls the electrical signals of our memory and emotional brain centers. In this way, we can control and optimize brain function using our in-breath, to have faster, more accurate emotional discrimination and recognition, as well as gain better memory.

So taking a breath in through our nose can control our brain signals and lead to improved emotional and memory processing, but what about the out-breath? As mentioned earlier, slow, steady breathing activates the calming part of our nervous system, and slows our heart rate, reducing feelings of anxiety and stress. So while the in-breath specifically alters our cognition, the act of slow, deep breathing, whether the inhalation or exhalation, is beneficial for our nervous system when we wish to be more still. In fact, mindful breathing emphasizes not only the breathing component, but also the mental component of paying attention and becoming aware of mind, body and breath together. By observing in a non-judgemental manner, without forcing ourselves to “get to” some special state, we are in fact then able to watch our minds and feel our bodies more clearly. This in turn becomes a path to insight and a practice we can keep working on. Our breath is powerful enough to regulate emotions and help us gain clarity, and to fully do so we must also make the effort to center our minds to the here and now.

A 5-Minute Breathing Meditation To Cultivate Mindfulness

Train Your Brain to Boost Your Immune System

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Meditation: Sitting Like Mountain (25:29 min) - Tara Brach

Meditation: Sitting Like a Mountain –

Meditation can empower us as we learn to access our potential for stability, strength and openness. This meditation calls on the image of a mountain as we awaken our body and mind to a full, vibrant presence. Closes with a metta (loving-kindness) prayer.

photo: komposita – Pixabay.com

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Mindfulness for Anxiety: Research and Practice

The science of mindfulness-based interventions into anxiety and depression

In 1992, Zindel Segal, John Teasdale, and Mark Williams collaborated to create an eight-week program modeled on MBSR. Jon Kabat-Zinn—who developed MBSR—had some initial misgivings about the program, fearing the curriculum might insufficiently emphasize how important it is for instructors to have a deep personal relationship with mindfulness practice. Once he got to know the founders better, he became a champion for the program. In 2002, the three published Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy for Depression: A New Approach to Preventing Relapse, now a landmark book.

MBCT’s credibility rests firmly on ongoing research. Chief among them are two randomized clinical trials (published in 2000 and 2008 in The Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology) indicating MBCT reduces rates of relapse by 50% among patients who suffer from recurrent depression. Recent findings published in The Lancet in 2015 show combining a tapering of medication with MBCT is as effective as an ongoing maintenance dosage of medication.

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MBCT Reduces Depressive Relapse: Study
Research shows MBCT reduces rates of relapse among patients who suffer from recurrent depression. The paper’s co-authors reflect on its findings and ask, “What do we know? Is MBCT safe?” Read the article.

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The Core MBCT Practice

A skills-based approach, MBCT asks patients to inquire into, familiarize themselves with, and redirect the thought process that is getting them into trouble (cognitive distortions, or what some people call “negative self-talk,” or “stinkin’ thinkin’”). It takes close attention and stick-to-itiveness to make it work, which is why a practice that allows one to develop the habit of seeing thoughts without immediately reacting could be an ideal adjunct to the cognitive practice—and in fact create a hybrid that is more than the combination of the two. When CBT meets mindfulness, the emphasis shifts from changing or fixing the content of our challenging thoughts to becoming more intimately and consistently aware of these thoughts and patterns. The awareness itself reduces the grip of persistent and pernicious thought loops and storylines.

Like MBSR, the eight-week program occurs in two-hour weekly classes with a mid-course day-long session. It combines guided meditations with group discussions, various kinds of inquiry and reflection, and take-home exercises. “Repetition and reinforcement, coming back to the same places again and again, are key to the program,” Segal told Mindful, “and hopefully people continue that into daily life beyond the initial MBCT program, in both good times and bad.”

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Is MBCT the Future of Therapy?
Fifteen years after Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy was introduced to the world, this groundbreaking treatment only reaches a small percentage of people suffering from depression. Two innovators want to change that. Read the full story. 

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Video: Watch the 3-minute breathing space

This is one of the most popular practices in the 8-week MBCT program. It allows you to shift your attention away from automatic, multitasking patterns of thought to help you get unstuck. It invites you to bring attention to your experience in a wider, more open manner that isn’t involved in selecting, choosing, or evaluating, but simply becoming aware of your thoughts and feelings, your breath in various regions of the body, and finally, sensations throughout the entire body.

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Trapped Inside A Painful Mood? How Acceptance Helps

Being unwilling to experience negative thoughts, feelings, or sensations is often the first link in a mental chain that can lead to automatic, habitual, and critical patterns of mind becoming re-established. By accepting unpleasant experiences, we can shift our attention to opening up to them. Thus, “I should be strong enough” shifts to “Ah, fear is here,” or “Judgment is present.”
—Zindel Segal, Professor of Psychology in Mood Disorders, University of Toronto, and co-founder of Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy.

Read more about how acceptance, a key aspects of MBCT training, helps you work with tough emotions.

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4 Ways to Calm Anxiety Every Day

1) Explore your breath: Is it shallow and choppy, or long and smooth? Calm the rush of panic to your body with this anti-anxiety breathing practice.

2) Get out of your head and into your body. Try these 11 ways to engage your senses

3) Explore different approaches. Here are 10 mindful attitudes for decreasing anxiety.

4) Forgive yourself when you’re feeling too anxious to meditate (it happens). Consider these informal practices instead.

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Video: Watch 3 Ways to Get Out of Panic Mode

Sometimes it suffices simply to pause and take deep breaths, expanding the inbreath and slowing the outbreath—a technique that helps during 2 a.m. flopsweats.
—Barbara Graham, noted essayist and author

Read more on Barbara’s journey through anxiety.

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MBCT Resources

As is typical for mindfulness-based interventions, no overarching body governs MBCT, but a number of very qualified senior teachers have taken it on since the program was founded, and centers in Toronto, the UK, and San Diego offer professional training and certification.

• Centre for Mindfulness Studies, Toronto
• UC San Diego Center for Mindfulness
• Oxford Centre for Mindfulness, UK

This web extra provides additional information related to an article titled, “Confessions of an Anxious Meditator,” which appeared in the April 2017 issue of Mindful magazine.

Why It’s Difficult to Meditate with Anxiety

Two Mindful Practices for Anxious Eaters

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The Science and Practice of Staying Present Through Difficult Times

The Science of Staying Present

Research into mindfulness has shown the benefits of staying present, and of gently turning towards difficulty. Mindfulness-based relapse prevention (MBRP) trains people with addictive habits to manage their cravings mindfully by staying present to the sensations of craving, rather than trying to distract from them, avoid them or defeat them. In a large trial of MBRP, mindfulness-trained patients drank and used drugs significantly less than those who were treated with cognitive-behavioural approaches, and a control group who attended twelve-step and psycho-education groups. The authors of the study conclude that mindfulness was the most successful approach, especially over the longer term, because it enabled patients to “monitor and skilfully cope with discomfort associated with craving or negative affect.” A similar study with smokers found that mindfulness training was more than five times as effective as a standard smoking cessation programme, as measured by abstinence from cigarettes after four months (31 per cent compared to 6 per cent). Another study has suggested that mindful people are more able to tolerate their own distress, rather than react in harmful ways.

When gently turning towards pain, people report that they experience less of it, and their resistance usually decreases.

There are benefits to staying present with physical, as well as emotional, discomfort. Fadel Zeidan and colleagues suggest that meditation practice is associated with brain changes that indicate and reflect shifts in people’s experience of, and relationship with, pain. Meditators show decreased activity in the primary somatosensory cortex (an area of the brain involved in registering pain) and increased activity in three areas involved in the regulation of pain—the anterior insula, the anterior cingulate cortex and the pre-frontal cortex. When gently turning towards pain, people report that they experience less of it, and their resistance usually decreases. They may not get so caught up in the negative stories and evasive reactions that tend to accompany pain but do nothing to stop it (and, indeed, may increase the mind’s perception of it). This may be why people with chronic conditions have reported reductions in pain after training in mindfulness, even though they still suffer from the illness.

As far back as 1971, Robert Wallace and Herbert Benson found that meditation reduced activity in the sympathetic nervous system, which controls the “fight or flight” reaction. More recently, attending a mindfulness course has been shown to reduce activity and grey matter volume in the amygdala—a key indicator of how strongly this reaction is triggered. With mindfulness training also comes a thickening in parts of the pre-frontal cortex—the region directly behind the forehead—which may be connected to a strengthening of the body’s capacity to regulate stress. Connections between the amygdala and other parts of the brain weaken after mindfulness training.

One part of the pre-frontal cortex associated with stress regulation is the anterior cingulate cortex (ACC). Poor ACC function tends to correlate with impulsive behaviour and mental inflexibility—which are both common among people who are under stress. Experienced meditators display more activity in the ACC, and better stress regulation. The capacity to self- manage during difficult situations may be trainable at a very young age. One study that tracked a group of pre-school children who attended a mindfulness programme over six months found that they were less impulsive (more able to regulate) than a group of children who did not receive the training.

The Benefits of Leaning Into Discomfort

Just the act of describing unpleasant experiences mindfully can have a positive effect on stress levels. In one study, people with a fear of spiders were asked to walk towards and try to touch a live tarantula. Some were invited to reassure themselves as they approached the spider, while others were advised to distract themselves from what they were trying to do. A third group was encouraged to acknowledge and turn towards their fear, saying something like: “I am frightened by the big ugly spider.” The members of this third group—those who openly stayed present to their fear— got closest to the tarantula, felt least upset by the experience, and had the least sweaty palms.

Staying present to difficulties seems to have a significant impact on well-being. In Matt Killingsworth’s studies of wandering minds, he has found that people are less happy when their minds are distracted, even when they are engaged in an activity that we would usually describe as unpleasant. So, for instance, even though most people are not keen on commuting, they tend to be happier if their minds turn towards the experience of the journey rather than wander away from it. Other studies have suggested that setting oneself the goal of avoiding stress increases the long-term risk of depression. By contrast, if we view stress as a normal, helpful indicator—something we can handle and from which we can learn—rather than as something to eliminate, we are more likely to experience good health and emotional well-being.

15-Minute Guided Mindfulness Meditation: Investigating Difficulty

When you’ve established a stable foundation with mindfulness of breath and body you can experiment with turning towards difficulty.

Sometimes our experience is painful and difficult. And there may be little or nothing we can do about the arising of the pain or difficulty. In these cases. We may be able to work with what’s happening skillfully by exploring our relationship to it. Most of us have a habitual pattern of turning away from problems or trying to get rid of unpleasant events. Unfortunately this often seems to increase our sense of stress because if pain is already present, you can’t get rid of it by trying to run away from it. So in mindfulness practice we gently experiment with reversing this habit by turning gently towards difficult experiences that come up in our meditation.

This practice is usually best done in small doses at first. Preferably working with difficulties that aren’t likely to be overwhelming. It’s important to remember that you’re in charge of how you undertake this experiment. You can return to mindfulness of breathing as an anchor at any time or let go of this practice for a while if you need to, being kind to yourself.

1) Begin by settling into a dignified sitting posture. Upright, steady, grounded. Feeling the feet on the floor, bottom on the chair, spine erect shoulders dropped. Feel a sense of openness at the chest, muscles un-tensed, centered, feeling the breath in the belly. Attuning attention to sensations of the breath as it moves in and out. Being with the breath. Being in the body.

2) And now expanding awareness to experience throughout the body. Being in the present moment with the body. Noticing what you find and allowing what’s here to be here. Especially noticing sensations in the body that are more unpleasant and difficult to be with. Maybe there’s an aching, throbbing, churning, or a tightening somewhere. There may be a physical or a more emotional tone to the sensations. If it feels helpful to label this for yourself, you could mentally say some words describing the experience: anger, pain, or restlessness, for example. Perhaps also noticing where in the body you’re feeling these tones of sensation and emotion.

3) Now inviting you to experiment with gently taking your attention towards a region of more intense sensation. Turning towards the intensity. Being interested in the qualities of and changes in sensation from moment to moment. What increases or decreases in intensity are there? What shifts in location or texture? As best you can, staying with the direct experience of sensation and letting any thoughts about what’s happening or urges and impulses to react be held in kindly awareness in the background of the mind. Letting go of any need to try and get any kind of result here or for anything to have to change. Just gently turning towards what’s going on. And noticing what happens without an agenda. Riding the waves of experience, moment by moment.

4) If you like you could offer a sense of breathing with the sensations, feeling them together with the rising and falling of the breath. Breathing in with sensations, breathing out with sensations.

5) Noticing: are there any impulses to resist or pull away? Perhaps you find your attention drawn into thoughts. Rumination maybe or distraction. Maybe you find your thoughts trying to make sense of the difficulty or problem solving it or judge the success or failure of the practice by whether the intensity decreases or changes. As best you can, seeing if you can include these reactions in your noticing, allowing space for them to be experienced along with the sensations themselves—without having to buy into them or reject them.

6) If it feels too much to be doing this it’s always okay to continue with or return to mindfulness of breathing or body or to stop practicing for a time. Gentleness is paramount here and there are no right or wrong things to happen when you try this. Just being interested in what does happen when you take your attention into a region of difficulty, moving towards it, letting the experience be observed and awareness without needing to do anything else.

7) And experimenting now if this feels okay for you with breathing into the region of intensity. Opening further to the sensations on the in-breath and having a sense of softening on the out-breath, of letting go. This isn’t to try and change what’s happening but rather to offer a skillful relationship to it. Flowing with it. Offering space to it, allowing it. You could silently say to yourself something like:

It’s okay. I can be with this experience, these sensations. Let me experience them fully in awareness. Let me be present to this experience which is already here. Let me stay present to it, with kindness being in gentle compassionate relationship to it as best I can.

Breathing into the sensations on the in-breath, breathing out from them on the out-breath, softening, letting be, allowing.

8) Staying with the intensity only for as long as feels manageable for you right now. If you like you can gently move your attention away from and then back towards the intensity noticing what happens each time you work with redirecting your attention in and out. Inviting you to be like a scientist undertaking a laboratory experiment. Being interested in what happens rather than seeking a particular outcome. Coming back to mindfulness of breath or body as and when that feels right for you.

This post was adapted from Into The Heart of Mindfulness, by Ed Halliwell, published by Piatkus). Download a set of 14 guided audio meditation practices from Ed’s books here.

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What You Can Learn from Polyamory

Do you hope to love one person for the rest of your life?

As romantic as that goal may sound, not everyone shares it. With economic, social, and health changes leading to much longer lifespans—and more control over fertility and childbearing—our attitudes towards monogamy have changed significantly. Divorce has become commonplace, and many people have embraced serial monogamy, forming one relationship at a time, falling in love and splitting up, and then doing it all over again.

But there’s an alternative: polyamory, a form of consensual non-monogamy that emphasizes emotional and sexual intimacy with multiple partners simultaneously, ideally with the knowledge of all parties involved.

I studied polyamorous families with children for a period of 20 years, and I discovered their relationships can be intense, complicated—and fulfilling.

I also found that polyamorists have developed a set of relationship practices that can serve as lessons to people in monogamous relationships. Divorced parents and others in blended families may find them especially relevant, because they offer insights into dealing with challenging family communication among multiple adults and co-parents.

Polyamory isn’t for everyone, but here are seven lessons from polyamorous families that anyone might find helpful.

1. Spread needs around

Expecting one person to meet all of your needs—companionship, support, co-parent, best friend, lover, therapist, housekeeper, paycheck, whatever—puts a tremendous amount of pressure on that relationship.

In their quest to maintain sexual and emotional fidelity, some monogamous relationships prioritize the couple ahead of other social connections. When this focus reduces other sources of support, it can lead to isolation—and the resulting demands can be too much for many relationships to bear.

In their quest to maintain sexual and emotional fidelity, some monogamous relationships prioritize the couple ahead of other social connections. When this focus reduces other sources of support, it can lead to isolation—and the resulting demands can be too much for many relationships to bear.

By and large, that’s not the case for polyamorous people. Indeed, my study participants mentioned this as one of the primary benefits of being polyamorous: being able to get more of their needs met by spreading them out among multiple people. Sometimes they were lovers, or sometimes friends, family members, and ex-partners. The important thing is not the sexual connection, but the ability to seek and establish mutually supportive relationships beyond your partner. Allowing partners to form a range of relationships with friends and support circles can make life much easier for everyone.

This process can also be good for children. “It gives my children a sense of community,” said Emmanuella Ruiz, one of my study participants. She continues:

They don’t have cousins or the typical biological extended family. But they have a big, happy, productive, healthy family nonetheless, and it is a chosen family. They know each person’s relationship to them the same way they would know if they were first or second cousins, aunts, or uncles.

2. Don’t leave too soon

In serious relationships, giving up without trying hard to work things out can mean prematurely ending a good relationship that is simply having a difficult period. This is true for people in monogamous and serial-monogamous relationships, of course, which are more likely to last when both people put a lot of effort into the maintenance and sustenance of the relationship.

My participants report developing the skill to stay with a difficult conversation, even if it is uncomfortable.

But polyamorous relationships require even more of this kind of work, because of their complexity. My participants report developing the skill to stay with a difficult conversation, even if it is uncomfortable. As one study participant, Morgan Majek, told me about moving from monogamy to polyamory with her husband, Carl:

It really opened up communication between us. Because we’ve been together for nine years and that was my biggest complaint about him was you don’t talk to me… So it created pain, but it really just helped us to learn how to be completely honest and communicate. And so it benefited us.

People in polyamorous relationships are also more likely to seek support from others, something that could benefit and sustain serial monogamous relationships as well. When things get rocky, we’re prone to hide the trouble from friends and family. Polyamorists suggest an alternative: reach out to friends and community members for sympathy, support, and advice. Getting professional counseling or relationship coaching can be tremendously helpful in dealing with concrete issues and establishing patterns for communication that can help deal with other matters that arise over time.

3. Don’t stay too long

In what can be a delicate balancing act, polyamorous people find that it is important not to drag things out until the bitter end, when partners have been so awful to each other that they simply must run away.

Instead, polyamorists suggest that it is better to recognize and accept when people have grown apart or are not working well together, and then change—not necessarily end—the relationship. “I am not best buddies with all my exes,” said study participant Gabrielle. But she doesn’t think of many of her “former lovers” as exes at all.

We were lovers and now we’re friends, and ex just seems kind of a weird way to think of someone I’m close to and care about. The real difference here, I think, is that the changes in relationship tended to have a much more gentle evolution rather than “official” breakups.

As a group, polyamorists don’t see families as “broken” or “failed” because the adults changed the nature of their relationship. People can choose to view their relationships as good for the time. When needs change and so does the relationship, it does not have to be seen as a failure, and no one has to bear blame. From this perspective, gracefully ending or transitioning to a different kind of relationship can be a celebration of a new phase instead of a catastrophe.

4. Be flexible and allow for change

Polyamorous people sustain their relationships through these changes in part by being willing to try new things. (This may also be because there are so few role models for consensually non-monogamous relationships that polyamorous people are usually making it up as they go along.) If the relationship isn’t working, then trying something else can be quite effective for both polyamorous and monogamous people.

This can mean shifting expectations and letting go of former patterns, which can be both invigorating and frightening. Adjusting in response to changing circumstances allows families to be resilient, and polyamorous families must routinely adapt to new familial and emotional configurations as they accommodate multiple partners. To manage their unconventional family lives, polyamorous families try new things, reconfigure their relationships or interactions, and remain open to alternatives.

“I guess I’m not necessarily what you would call normal, but who cares?” said Mina Amore, the teenage child of one couple I interviewed. “Normal is boring.”

With their many well-established roles and ingrained traditional expectations, people in monogamous relationships can find it more difficult to challenge entrenched patterns and do something completely different. Polyamorists often get help negotiating the changes by reaching out to trusted friends, a counselor, relationship coach, or even a mediator—change is easier when you have a team.

5. Support personal growth

Polyamory is emotionally challenging, no question. Jealousy, insecurity, and other negative emotions are all a part of any romantic relationship. Instead of trying to avoid painful emotions, however, polyamorists try to face them head on.

People in long-term polyamorous relationships say that a combination of introspection and candid communication is the route to managing potentially challenging or painful feelings. Having to face their self-doubts, question their own motives, and consider their own boundaries often forces poly people to either get to know themselves—or to quit polyamory.

Encouraging—or even allowing—a partner to explore personal growth can be difficult and frightening. What if they change so much in their growth that they no longer want to be in the relationship? That’s a possibility polyamorists try to face. “One of the main advantages is knowing you have choices,” says Marcus Amore, Mina’s dad. Polyamorous people often emphasize the important role that choice plays in their relationships, and explain how they continually woo and lavish their long-term partners with affection and attention to foster the kind of loving environment that they choose to stay in, year after year.

Suppressing a partner to keep them from outgrowing their current relationship does not tend to work well as a long-term strategy because it fosters resentment and rebellion. That’s a lesson for monogamous people—to allow their mates to grow, and to pursue their own path.

6. De-emphasize sexuality

Even though most people associate polyamorous relationships with sex, polyamorists frequently de-emphasize sexuality to help reconfigure and cope with change.

Emotional attachment is the glue that holds families together anyway, and while sex is good and helps people feel connected, it is not enough by itself to sustain a long-term relationship. Polyamory emphasizes that the end of sex does not have to mean end of relationship. Remaining friends is a real choice, and especially important when people have had children together. Children do not care if their parents have sex, and in fact would much rather not hear about it or think of their parents as sexual beings.

Instead, de-emphasizing sexuality can allow family members to focus on cooperative co-parenting and remaining on positive terms. When people have treated each other with respect and allowed themselves to change, or leave a relationship that is no longer working before they do terrible things to each other, it makes it much more reasonable to actually co-parent or even be cordial to each other.

Another important element of de-emphasizing sexuality is the tremendous importance polyamorous folks often attach to their friendships and chosen-family relationships. Emotional connections with intimates do not rely on physical sexuality. Monogamous people can also establish deep friendships that provide support, emotional intimacy, and meet needs.

7. Communicate honestly and often

Polyamorous people put a lot of emphasis on communication as a way to build intimacy, explore boundaries, negotiate agreements, and share feelings. Telling the truth is paramount to this process, as honesty forms the basis for trust. Trust helps people feel safe, which in turn builds intimacy, and (ideally) communication creates a positive feedback loop within the relationship.

Monogamous relationships have many social rules that structure the way partners are supposed to interact. Some of these rules encourage people to tell each other small lies to smooth over possibly difficult or hurtful situations. While diplomatic phrasing and empathy are important for compassionate relationships, these small lies that start out protecting feelings sometimes grow into much larger or more systemic patterns of deception. Both deceit and attack are corrosive to intimacy, because they undermine trust and feelings of closeness and safety.

If you want to be close to your partner, tell the truth and create a compassionate emotional environment that is safe for them to tell you the truth as well. Gentle honesty may break well-established monogamous rules about hiding things from a spouse, but the outcomes of greater trust and intimacy can be well worth it!

This article originally appeared on Greater Good, the online magazine of UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center, one of Mindful’s partners. View the original article.

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