Monday, 30 September 2019

How a Lack of Gratitude Kills Relationships

Imagine that you’ve embarked on a quest to be more grateful. You dutifully journal about the happy events in your day, training your mind to see the positives. You notice and begin to appreciate all the little things your partner does for you, from brewing your morning coffee to letting you pick what movie to watch. This can only be good for your relationship, right?

According to a new study, it depends—on whether your partner is grateful, too.

While gratitude has been shown to be a boon for individuals—making you happierhealthier, and more successful—less is known about how gratitude works in relationships, where personalities and habits collide to create complex, dynamic interactions.

How Practicing Gratitude Helps Relationships

To go deeper into whether gratitude helps relationships, Florida State University psychologist James K. McNulty and his coauthor Alexander Dugas recruited 120 newlywed couples to fill out surveys. Initially, they reported how happy and satisfied they were with their marriage and their partner, and how much gratitude they felt and expressed for their partner and the nice things they did. They repeated the gratitude survey a year later and the marriage survey every four months for three years.

That gave researchers a snapshot of how each partner’s gratitude and marital satisfaction changed over time. And they found that spouses heavily influenced each other.

“High gratitude is not a panacea that will make everyone happy with everything all the time,” says McNulty.

If your mate is low in gratitude, the results suggest, you seem to miss out on some of the benefits of being a grateful person yourself. More grateful people started out more satisfied with their marriages and were more satisfied three years in—but only if their partner was high in gratitude, too. Marital satisfaction naturally declined in couples over time, but it declined even more steeply for grateful people wedded to ungrateful ones.

In extreme cases, when their partner showed very little gratitude, being more grateful actually seemed to hurt their romantic happiness.

This worked the other way around, too. Grateful partners typically make our lives better, but we might not benefit as much if we’re not also grateful. People with more grateful partners tended to start out more satisfied with their marriages and still be more satisfied three years later—but only if they were high in gratitude. A grateful partner helped stave off the natural declines in people’s marital satisfaction over time—but, again, only for the highly grateful. When people were extremely ungrateful, their partner’s thankfulness seemed to backfire. The researchers write:

“Interpersonal vulnerabilities in even one member of a couple, perhaps particularly those that manifest as low adherence to communal norms, are sufficient to disrupt relationship satisfaction for both members, making each partner a potential weak link in the relational bond. . . . Even in relationships, bad may be stronger than good.”

Not only are ungrateful partners missing out on genuine moments of positivity and connection, but their other halves may be less willing to contribute to the couple if their efforts aren’t recognized.

If you’ve ever hoped for a little more appreciation from your significant other, you can imagine how this dynamic works. Not only are ungrateful partners missing out on genuine moments of positivity and connection, but their other halves may be less willing to contribute to the couple if their efforts aren’t recognized. Feelings of unfairness and even resentment may ensue.

Surprisingly, the study suggested that two less grateful partners might be happier together than partners with mismatched levels of gratitude. “I suspect that the mismatch is troubling for the same reasons other mismatches in personality can be troubling—the two partners just aren’t on the same page in terms of how to treat one another,” says McNulty.

Does that mean we should blame our partners for all our relationship woes, or coerce them into saying “thank you” more?

Not necessarily. This is a single study, and it measured gratitude in a specific way, points out relationship well-being researcher Amie Gordon: asking people about their own appreciation, not asking the other partner how appreciated they actually felt. Different ways of measuring gratitude may yield different results—including a situation where our own expressions of thanks can rub off on our partner, making them more grateful in turn.

Plus, gratitude is only one piece of the relationship puzzle—and practicing gratitude has lots of other benefits to our lives. At the end of the day, for many of us, it probably helps to try to see the good in the person we love.

This article was adapted from Greater Good, the online magazine of UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center, one of Mindful’s partners. View the original article.

The post How a Lack of Gratitude Kills Relationships appeared first on Mindful.



from RSSMix.com Mix ID 8196908 https://www.mindful.org/how-a-lack-of-gratitude-kills-relationships/

Friday, 27 September 2019

Wise Investigation: Dissolving the Trance


If we are suffering, it is because we are believing something that is not true and caught in emotional reactivity. A key tool in meditation is investigation – actively inquiring into what is happening inside us. When we investigate with sincere interest and care, the light of our attention untangles difficult emotions and nourishes intimate relationships. As this light turns toward awareness itself, it reveals the radiance and emptiness of our true nature (a favorite from the archives).

If you are suffering it’s because you are believing untrue thoughts and beliefs and you haven’t investigated in a way that would release them. There is a phrase that history repeats itself which is good because most people don’t really pay attention the first time anyway, you know. … So I think of investigation as a way of deepening presence, that we take the interest in our mind and then we deepen presence that way.

NOTE: video is in 2 parts and both are closed captioned in English.

The post Wise Investigation: Dissolving the Trance appeared first on Tara Brach.



from RSSMix.com Mix ID 8196908 https://www.tarabrach.com/wise-investigation-dissolving-the-trance/

Seven Ways to Slow Down

When young children break down in a fit of tears, we are quick to recognize that this is a case of being overstimulated: too much noise, too many people, too much to manage. We put them down for a nap, and know things will be more calm in an hour.

Yet we often fail to recognize the same signs of stress and overwhelm in ourselves. We take on work projects, make plans with friends, push ourselves to go to the gym, keep up with the news, and tackle new recipes, then question why it is we feel so frazzled and burnt out. 

As philosopher Alain de Botton explains, sometimes we just need to keep things simple.

“What registers as anxiety is typically no freakish phenomenon; it is the mind’s logical enraged plea not to be continuously and exhaustingly overstimulated,” he says.

Here are seven ways to slow down and simplify your life: 

1. When it comes to relationships, focus on quality—not quantity

The many relationships we foster—with friends, family, coworkers, classmates, neighbours, and more—are valuable, and enrich our lives. However, the pressure we put on ourselves to maintain these relationships can, at times, be damaging. 

“We need to recognise that what is physically possible for us to achieve in a day is not, for that matter, psychologically wise or plausible,” de Botton says.

On weeks when you feel overextended, it’s important to learn to just say no to a dinner out, a day volunteering at the school fundraiser, or a weekend work trip.

2. Go to sleep (Yes, you! Get some shut eye)

Sometimes when we’re feeling flustered, unfocused or just plain out of it, we might think we need to make major changes in our lives to “fix” things. But before you make a major change, press the reset button and put yourself to bed.

“We don’t necessarily have to get divorced, retrain in a completely different profession or move to the country: we just need to get some more rest,” de Botton says.

If you find yourself tossing and turning at the end of a long day and have trouble getting to sleep, try a sleep meditation to relax before you hit the hay.

3. Take a break from the information cycle

For most of history, news came to us slowly—we waited for letters, for gossip from the neighbour, for the newspaper to be printed each morning. But today, with the 24-hour news cycle and the internet in the palm of our hands, we are tuned into everything at once. And it’s messing with our mental health. 

“Every minute of every day presents us with untold options for filling our minds with the mania, exploits, disasters, furies, reversals, ambitions, triumphs, insanity and cataclysms of strangers around our benighted planet,” says de Botton. “Always, news organisations speak of our need to know – and to need to know right now.” 

While it’s important and necessary to follow the news, we don’t have to follow it at every hour of every day. Instead, set one or two times a day to check the latest headlines or watch a recent broadcast—like in the morning while you have a coffee, or in the evening after dinner.

4. Practice mindful eating

Most of us feel better after we have a good meal. But what happens when you spend that entire meal texting, working at your desk, or worrying about an event later in the day? You stop focusing on your food—and miss out on all the mood-boosting benefits that come with it.

By practicing mindful eating, you can pay more attention to your meal and begin to savor each bite, in order to feel more full and satisfied for longer. 

5. Check in with your emotions

When we’re busy, we often slip into auto-pilot—going through the motions of our day without pausing to notice how we really feel. But when you bury your emotions, you put yourself at greater risk of burnout.

De Botton recommends a mindful journaling practice to check in with your thoughts as often as possible.

“In order to be able to find rest, we need to carve off chunks of time where we have nothing to do other than lie in bed with a pad and paper in order to think,” he says. “We need to consider three topics in particular: What is making me anxious? Who has caused me pain and how? What is exciting me?”

Not only will doing so help you better understand and manage how you feel today, but by noticing how you feel about an upcoming event, you can also keep your anxiety from spiralling out of control tomorrow.

“Experiences lose at least half of their power to unnerve us when we have gone through them in our minds the day before,” de Botton says.

6. Focus on personal achievement, rather than status

Sometimes, we may take on a challenge simply because it’s a challenge—and not because it’s actually meaningful to us. We become consumed by the desire to get a promotion, win an award, or publish a book, so much so that we cease to find any enjoyment in the task.

Although it can feel difficult to “quit,” at something, it’s ultimately more fulfilling to focus your time and energy on something we really care about, even if it that’s a more quiet type of success—such as finally taking a cooking class, or learning how to play guitar.

“We are not backing away from a challenge, we’re simply shifting our sense of what the real challenge might be – and more importantly where the real rewards may lie.” 

7. Cultivate a healthy environment 

Most of us aren’t fortunate enough to live on a beach in Bali or wake up with a view of the Swiss alps. But we can create an environment that fosters a sense of peace and contentment in our daily lives—whether that be by repainting your bedroom, adding plants to your desk at work, or simply tidying up the living room.

“The visual world can’t magically translate itself into a mood; but it can certainly foster and invite one,” de Botton says. “We need to take every step we can to make a home in the sort of environment that promises at a visual level the calm we crave at a psychological one.”

The post Seven Ways to Slow Down appeared first on Mindful.



from RSSMix.com Mix ID 8196908 https://www.mindful.org/seven-ways-to-slow-down/

Thursday, 26 September 2019

Meditation: A Healing, Relaxing Breath (24:19 min.)


This meditation guides us in collecting attention with an intentional long deep even breath, and awakening a full relaxed presence as the breath resumes in its natural rhythm. Resting fully in this presence is the gateway to deep peace and inner freedom (a favorite from the Archives).

Listening to the sounds…
Being the silence that’s listening…
Perceiving this whole dance of aliveness and sensation…
Being that alert inner stillness – that which is aware…
Relaxing back…
Letting everything flow in and out of stillness…

The post Meditation: A Healing, Relaxing Breath (24:19 min.) appeared first on Tara Brach.



from RSSMix.com Mix ID 8196908 https://www.tarabrach.com/meditation-a-healing-relaxing-breath/

Practicing Self-Compassion Can Boost Your Mental Health

Most American adults will experience stress, anxiety or depression at some point in their lives. Therapies that teach mindfulness and self-compassion may provide some relief. A new study, published in Frontiers in Psychology, looks at whether focusing on self-compassion may be as effective as a mindfulness-based therapy for improving mental health.

Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT) and Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT) are two of the most widely used clinical approaches for treating depression, anxiety, and stress. The first, MBCT, is based on Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction and includes meditation, breath work, yoga, body scans, and practices to explore thoughts and increase mindfulness. On the other hand, CFT focuses on building compassion by incorporating practices for compassion and self-compassion, along with mindfulness exercises. 

Since both therapies are widely used, researchers wanted to learn whether CFT’s explicit instruction in compassion and self-compassion might yield different results for people experiencing depression, anxiety and stress compared to a mindfulness-based approach alone—although the researchers noted that nonjudgmental acceptance, which is part of the most widely-adopted definition of mindfulness by Jon Kabat-Zinn, “can be taken as indicating that compassion toward self and others and mindfulness are intrinsically linked.”

Can You Feel Better with Compassion?

The study took place at a residential rehabilitation and health clinic in Iceland. In addition to MBCT and CFT, the clinic also offers psychoeducation, fitness and exercises classes, acupuncture, and massage.

Of the 58 participating adult residents, 20 attended an MBCT group, another 18 joined a CFT group, and another 20 received no mindfulness-based treatment. MBCT and CFT group members were offered eight two-hour-long sessions over four consecutive weeks, and had to attend at least four sessions to receive an adequate “dose” of treatment.

Everyone completed a questionnaire about their experiences of depression, anxiety, and stress as well as mindfulness, self-compassion, and rumination at the beginning of the study. Four weeks later, only 42 participants—17 from the MBCT group, 13 from the CFT group, and 13 from the no-treatment control group—completed the same survey.

At the end of four weeks, both MBCT and CFT participants reported significantly less depression, anxiety, stress, and rumination, and increased mindfulness and self-compassion. The control group showed no change.

Getting Un-Stuck from Rumination

Because rumination—the tendency to get stuck in unpleasant thoughts—is common among people experiencing depression, anxiety, and stress, the researchers also looked to see if a person’s initial tendency to ruminate might be related to how mindful they were. They found that within the MBCT group, those who reported more rumination prior to treatment showed a bigger increase in mindfulness scores, compared to those who ruminated less.

This suggests that people who tend to get stuck in their thoughts may be better served by programs that include compassion and self-compassion training. 

Everyone in the CFT group showed increases in mindfulness—regardless of how much they tended to ruminate beforehand. This suggests that people who tend to get stuck in their thoughts may be better served by programs that include compassion and self-compassion training. 

Given the small number of participants, and the fact that the research took place in a residential treatment setting where other therapies were also offered, it is difficult to know whether the results of the study will apply to adults seeing a therapist on an outpatient basis, say the authors. Despite these limitations, the results do suggest that, for some, MBCT or CFT may ease depression, anxiety and stress, and the pernicious thoughts that feed them.

The post Practicing Self-Compassion Can Boost Your Mental Health appeared first on Mindful.



from RSSMix.com Mix ID 8196908 https://www.mindful.org/practicing-self-compassion-can-boost-your-mental-health/

How Labels Help: Tame Reactive Emotions by Naming Them

It was a particularly difficult day. My then nine-month-old daughter had a terrible night and left my wife and I with only a handful hours’ sleep. Needless to say, we were slow getting up and out the door that morning.  Before we left, my wife and I “discussed” who should’ve gotten up with Celia during the night (we’d been down this road before—these back-and-forths never help solve this issue, and somehow, we yet again veered this way). We barely spoke in the car the rest of the way to work after we dropped our daughter off at daycare.

And then I was hit by one issue after another once I walked into my office. An upset parent who’d left a voicemail who urgently needed to talk to me.  A clinician who needed help dealing with a student in crisis.  An important meeting I needed to chair that I’d forgotten to put in my calendar. And worst of all, I must have used a ladle to scoop my sugar into my coffee travel mug that morning.

Simply labeling a difficult emotional experience allows you to take the reins back, if only briefly.

I sat with my face in my hands at my desk for a moment.  I was seething with what life had deposited on top of me. My temples were pulsing, and my clock said it was only 9:30. Somehow, I remembered what I’d recommended to clients many times, but usually forgot to do myself.  It was a nice therapeutic “nugget” that made sense, but seemed like it should be innate to me, an experienced therapist: “Name it”—or as I’ve heard psychiatrist and mindfulness expert Dan Siegel say—“Name it to tame it.” In other words, say to yourself, out loud, what negative emotion you’re experiencing, as you’re experiencing it, in order to get some distance from it. As the clinical wisdom goes, simply labeling a difficult emotional experience allows you to take the reins back, if only briefly.

How Labelling Emotions Help Us Move On

I’d recommended this emotional labeling to clients for years, but I’m fairly certain I’d never tried it myself.  Again, I was a therapist—this simple labeling practice was for my child clients to use. It was “Self-Management 101.” I thought I was far beyond such “basic” strategies—I was wrong, because I sat at my desk with distress rippling through me, my mind was electric with ranting, and I was on track for a less than effective, connected, and creative day. I needed to return to the basics.

The recommendation comes from a solid foundation. Research has shown that mere verbal labeling of negative emotions can help people recover control.[i] UCLA’s Matthew Lieberman refers to this as “affect labeling” and his fMRI brain scan research shows that this labeling of emotion appears to decrease activity in the brain’s emotional centers, including the amygdala. This dampening of the emotional brain allows its frontal lobe (reasoning and thinking center) to have greater sway over solving the problem du jour.

And this is where mindfulness comes in. Mindfulness gives us that moment of space as reactive emotions (like anger) are rising up. If we can see the anger, then we don’t have to be it—we can mindfully notice the body and mind crackling with reactivity, and acknowledge (or “name”) our emotions as we’re having them. Doing so seems to help us disengage from them. We can see them, and then we can begin to choose how to react instead of reacting under the sway of intoxicatingly strong emotions. We can choose to act to open ourselves and connect with others, rather than be carried away in a flood of emotional neurochemicals that wash us over the cliff.

A Mindfulness Practice to Manage Strong Emotions in the Moment

In the coming days, when you find your body and mind getting tense with upset (and the more you’re aware of exactly how this manifests in you, the better), encourage yourself to attach words to your experience.

Often, thinking in terms of the metaphor of your hand in front of your face can be helpful.  When you start, you ARE your anger, sadness, fear, etc. It is your hand over your face. Can’t see anything, can you?  The emotion is attached to you—it IS you.

As you progressively label your emotion, creating more and more “distance” between the raw emotion and “you,” the observer (sparking awake in your frontal lobe), begins to see things more clearly: the emotional “hand” moves farther away from your thinking and reasoning mind’s eye.

Don’t be discouraged when you find yourself swept away in emotional currents. Our emotional reflexes run deep and change comes only with significant practice and patience.

Here’s a possible domino effect of reactive thoughts that might show up for you:

  • Event occurs
  • Your body stiffens, clenches
  • You think, “I can’t believe this!” / “They are so wrong!” / “This shouldn’t be!”
  • You feel, “I am angry / sad / frustrated / humiliated / etc.”
  • Your body stiffens and clenches even more
  • You decide, “I’m going to let them have it!”

And now, naming the emotion right AFTER the body first stiffens, surges, or in some way alerts you that upset is here:

  • You think, “My body is telling me I’m angry, sad, etc.” (deep, slow breath in)
  • You recognize, “I’m having thoughts that this is upsetting.” (slow exhale out)
  • You feel, “Anger . . . anger . . . anger . . .” (deep, slow breath in)
  • Your body slows down (slow exhale out)
  • You feel, “Sad . . . sad . . . sad . . .” (deep, slow breath in)

What do you notice?

You may notice a “distance” that develops as you label your thoughts and emotions after the initial event. Instead of reacting and either lashing out or shutting down, you (in a matter of seconds) can ignite your frontal lobe, slow your body and mind, and choose your response. You can connect with your experience, as well as the possibilities around you. Instead of digging a deeper hole, you can climb out of the episode.

Practice this labeling whenever you can. Don’t be discouraged when you find yourself swept away in emotional currents. Our emotional reflexes run deep (inside the brain), and change comes only with significant practice and patience.  The practice is awareness: to get better at catching yourself. Labeling an emotion helps you create distance from it. From there, we can choose how to respond instead of being led by our triggers.

I still argue with my wife about who should go pick up my crying kids. I catch my rigid, “she’s so out of line” thinking more than before, and I put it out at arm’s length.  More than ever before, I can choose to do something that binds us together instead of blasting us apart.

And if mindful labeling doesn’t work, as a husband, I’ve learned to simply stop talking and go clean something.

References

[i] 1. Putting Feelings Into Words: Affect Labeling Disrupts Amygdala Activity in Response to Affective Stimuli. Matthew D. Lieberman, Naomi I. Eisenberger, Molly J. Crockett, Sabrina M. Tom, Jennifer H. Pfeifer, and Baldwin M. Way. Psychological Science 2007;18(5):421-428.

Subjective Responses to Emotional Stimuli During Labeling, Reappraisal, and Distraction. Matthew D. Lieberman, Tristen K. Inagaki, Golnaz Tabibnia, and Molly J. Crockett. Emotion 2011;11(3):468-480.

Neural Correlates of Dispositional Mindfulness During Affect Labeling. J. David Creswell, Baldwin M. Way, Naomi I. Eisenberger, and Matthew D. Lieberman. Psychosomatic Medicine 2007;69(6):560-565.

The post How Labels Help: Tame Reactive Emotions by Naming Them appeared first on Mindful.



from RSSMix.com Mix ID 8196908 https://www.mindful.org/labels-help-tame-reactive-emotions-naming/

Tuesday, 24 September 2019

What to Do if Your Partner Won’t Meditate

Critics of the modern mindfulness movement often note that those of us who promote the benefits of mindfulness have a way of getting evangelical in our attempts to raise awareness about the practice.  “If it’s great for me,” we think, “it must be good for you, and you are missing out!”  

The culture of mindfulness often reinforces this attitude in subtle ways: books, articles, and podcasts present these practices as a kind of panacean remedy for all our ills, so we struggle to understand why others wouldn’t want to give it a try.   

Being excited about mindfulness may seem harmless, but when we get too pushy about it in our most intimate relationships—especially with our partners and spouses—it can become a source of relational friction, and even conflict.

Are You a Pushy Meditator? 

We know this first hand. During the early years of our mindfulness practice, we both experienced an almost irresistible desire to proselytize to our spouse about the benefits of mindfulness. The experiences we were having on the cushion were so profound, so life-altering, we wanted everyone – especially our partners – to learn about the practice and experience these incredible benefits.

The more we deepened our practice, the more we felt the weight of years of anxiety, stress, and emotional baggage begin to lift.  And that left us wondering naively: “Why wouldn’t everyone – especially our life partner – want the same?” During this time, the two of us even started writing a book together called Start Here on building mindfulness into the midst of everyday life.  

The experiences we were having on the cushion were so profound, so life-altering, we wanted everyone – especially our partners – to learn about the practice and experience these incredible benefits.

This led us head-first into the traps of mindfulness evangelism. We would read a great book and then turn to our spouse and say with way too much unchecked enthusiasm, “You’ve got to read this book!” Or we would return home from a retreat, forgetting all the extra work that they picked up to support our time away and say, “I just had the most amazing experience.  It was life changing! I think you would really love it. You have to do it!”

In spite of – or perhaps because of – these efforts to convert our partners into mindfulness enthusiasts, they remained uninterested in the practice.  In fact, we soon learned that our not-so-subtle efforts to get them to read our favorite books on meditation or attend a meditation retreat actually backfired. They provoked responses like, “That’s great honey. I’m glad it is working for you. But that’s really your thing.”

The more we pushed our mindfulness agenda on our partners, the bigger the mess we made.  

When Your Own Practice is Enough

There’s a great story about the early days of the San Francisco Zen Center, one of the first hubs of mindfulness practice in the West, that cuts to the heart of the matter. Mindfulness master Suzuki Rochi’s students repeatedly asked their teacher, “How can we get our partners to practice with us?” 

These devoted students simply couldn’t understand why their husbands, wives, and family members didn’t share their interest in waking up at 5 a.m. to sit on the cold cement floor of the meditation center for hours at a time.

After numerous attempts to get an answer to their question, Suzuki Rochi finally weighed in.  But it wasn’t the answer they were hoping for.  

“Maybe one is enough,” Rochi quipped. 

Maybe Rochi had it right.  Maybe our partners don’t need to meditate.  Maybe all of our attempts to subtly (and not so subtly) convince them of the power of this practice are actually pushing them in the opposite direction.

This has certainly been our experience. And we have both noticed that by dropping all efforts to entice our partners into the practice of mindfulness, we have experienced a greater sense of love and connection. We have also noticed that our partners have found their own paths to practices that deepen their own experience of life.

Four Ways to Accept Your Practice Without Pushing It on Others

So what are the do’s and don’ts for being in a relationship with a partner who isn’t into mindfulness?  Here are a few lessons that we have learned (the hard way!):

  1. Recognize that you don’t need others to meditate in order to validate your own practice.  Even if we’re not consciously attached to our partner practicing mindfulness, this desire can sneak out in subtle ways. It even arises in thoughts like, “If I let go of my attachment to my partner becoming interested in mindfulness, maybe they will get into it.”  The best strategy here is to work toward a place of radical acceptance – to begin to see that, as Roshi wisely advises, “one is enough” and that it is just fine if your partner never touches a meditation cushion for the rest of his or her life.
  2. Drop the air of superiority. Here’s another subtle trap of mindfulness evangelism. It’s a belief buried somewhere deep down in the subconscious mind that “I am more aware, more awake, or more enlightened than you because I meditate and you don’t.”  Of course, you would never say this to your partner. But it’s often communicated through comments like, “I had the most amazing meditation today!” or “I love meditating!” or “My mind is just so clear right now.” 
  3. Accept your experience as yours alone.  Jon Kabat-Zinn offers sage advice here. He advises us to resist the urge to talk about our practice. This is particularly true when it comes to our closest relationships.  When you feel the urge to say, “Meditating is so great. It’s changed my life,” pause before sharing and take a closer look at your motives. In fact, when you feel like you have something profound to say about your practice, use that as a sign that it’s a good time to go back to the cushion. Sit with this desire to share your experience and see what’s underneath it. 
  4. Let go of the idea that you are a “changed person” because of your practice. This subtle vice of mindfulness aficionados arises when we say things like, “I used to struggle with anxiety” or “I used to be so attached” or “I used to feel angry all the time, but I don’t anymore.” Such statements not only infuriate your partner and the entire community, but they are also generally based on the delusional idea that we’re now somehow beyond experiencing basic forms of human suffering, an idea that simply isn’t true.

In the end, the real key to practicing mindfulness with a partner who isn’t into it is all about letting go. Let go of the hope that he or she might one day share your love for the practice. Let go of your desire to boast about the amazing benefits of your practice. Let go of the feeling that you have achieved some sort of spiritual superiority through meditation. When you do, a new world of deeper connection and love awaits.

The post What to Do if Your Partner Won’t Meditate appeared first on Mindful.



from RSSMix.com Mix ID 8196908 https://www.mindful.org/what-to-do-if-your-partner-wont-meditate/

Monday, 23 September 2019

What Is the Best Diet for Mental Health?

Should you eat an apple—or a bag of Oreos? Go to McDonald’s—or the vegetarian restaurant on the corner?

When we make these everyday food choices, many of us think first of our physical health and appearance. But there’s another factor we may want to consider in picking foods: their impact on our mental health.

A growing body of research is discovering that food doesn’t just affect our waistline but also our moods, emotions, and even longer-term conditions like depression. Which makes sense, after all. Our brains are physical entities, running on the energy that we put into our bodies, affected by shifts in our hormones, blood sugar levels, and many other biological processes.

Whole-food diets heavy on the fruits, vegetables, and unprocessed protein can lift our moods and protect us from depression.

Although there are many unanswered questions, the research to date can give us some guidance when we’re hunting for an afternoon snack. What we know so far can be summed up, more or less, as this: Whole-food diets heavy on the fruits, vegetables, and unprocessed protein can lift our moods and protect us from depression, while too much junk food and sugar may put our mental health at risk.

One-third of adults in America eat fast food on a given day. Many of us see French fries and chocolate cake as treats to cheer us up when we’re feeling down. But perhaps our perspective on food needs an update. With a few simple dietary changes, you might be able to improve both your mind and your mood.

Can Your Diet Protect You From Depression?

paper published this year in Psychosomatic Medicine offers one of the most up-to-date snapshots of diet and mental health—specifically, how diet might play a role in depression.

The research team scoured academic journals for experiments that had asked people to change their diets and had measured the effects. In all, they found 16 studies with nearly 46,000 participants from the United States, Australia, and Europe, ranging from ages 21 to 85.

The experiments were quite diverse, prescribing a variety of diets to boost nutrient intake, reduce fat intake, or encourage weight loss. One group went on a vegan diet, while others restricted calories; many people loaded up on fruits and vegetables while avoiding meat and processed foods. Some people attended nutrition classes together, while others got personalized counseling or simply took home a set of guidelines. They followed the diet for anywhere from a couple weeks to a few years.

The results? Overall, adopting a healthier diet did lead to reduced symptoms of depression—less hopelessness, trouble sleeping, and disconnection from others—compared to engaging in other self-improvement activities or going about life as usual.

“Including more non-processed foods, more whole foods—fruits, vegetables—is very beneficial in terms of your psychological well-being, particularly mood,” says Joseph Firth, the lead author of the paper and a research fellow at Western Sydney University.

But the results got more interesting when the researchers started to dig into the details, to see for whom and under what conditions our diet might keep the bad feelings at bay.

Who Benefits Most From a Healthy Diet?

First off, diet programs tended to work better for women. Why? Besides differences in hormones and metabolism, Firth conjectured, women seem to be in a better position to benefit. They’re more likely to be depressed, and, he says, they might have more discipline at following diets than men.

Also, the diet programs worked better if a dietary professional administered them—probably because the recommendations were sounder and the participants (believing in the dietitian’s authority) were more apt to follow them, Firth says. An earlier review of diet studies came to a similar conclusion.

One of the strongest studies in the collection suggested that diet could help people who were right in the midst of a major depressive episode. Researchers recruited 67 depressed people with poor diets, half of whom were instructed to follow a healthy, Mediterranean-style diet favoring whole grains, fruit and vegetables, legumes, low-fat dairy, nuts, fish, lean red meat, chicken, eggs, and olive oil while reducing sweets, refined grains, fried and fast food, processed meats, and sugary drinks. Across 12 weeks, they attended seven sessions with a dietitian who helped them set diet goals and stay motivated; they also received recipes, meal plans, and a hamper of food.

It’s possible that certain diets may increase inflammation and oxidative stress, and disrupt our mitochondrial function and neuron production, in ways that could put us at risk for psychological problems.

The other half attended sessions on a similar schedule. But rather than getting diet advice, they simply spent time with a research assistant who was trained to be supportive of them—talking about topics they were interested in, like sports and hobbies, or playing games with them for an hour.

Despite how beneficial social interaction is, the diet group fared better than the social support group. After 12 weeks, they had reduced their depression and anxiety more—and they were about four times more likely to experience a remission from their depression. The more they improved their diet, the more their depression lifted.


What about anxiety? In that particular study, anxiety did go down—but on average, across all 16 studies, healthier diets didn’t seem to make people less anxious. That actually strengthens the case that diet can directly affect depression, says Firth. If the results were simply due to people feeling proud and accomplished with their new healthy habits, you would expect them to feel better all around, including less anxious. The fact that only their symptoms of depression shifted means that something deeper may be going on. 


What could that be? We don’t know for sure yet, but there are a variety of biological processes that seem to be both influenced by diet and involved in mental health. It’s possible that certain diets may increase inflammation and oxidative stress, and disrupt our mitochondrial function and neuron production, in ways that could put us at risk for psychological problems. Our gut microbiome—the colony of microorganisms in our intestines that is increasingly being studied as a contributor to mental health—may interact with many of these processes. Also, says Firth, following a diet can bring us a sense of self-esteem and self-efficacy, as well as potential weight loss—which can influence our minds, too.

But there are still a lot of unknowns. As Professor Almudena Sanchez-Villegas of the University of Las Palmas de Gran Canaria points out, the findings from diet experiments are not consistent. Many of the diet programs in Firth’s review didn’t help alleviate depression, nor did a newer one that also included multivitamins. Researchers have much more to explore.

Can Your Diet Make You Happy?

It’s one thing to say that our diet might protect us from depression and other mental health issues. But could the foods we eat actually move the needle toward more positive emotions and happiness?

In a 2017 experiment published in PLoS ONE, researchers recruited 171 young adults with a diet low in fruits and vegetables, which meant three or fewer servings per day. These 18 to 25 year olds were split into groups: One got a basket of carrots, apples, and kiwi or oranges and was told to eat an extra serving of fruit and an extra serving of vegetables per day; another didn’t change what they ate.

Every day for two weeks, they answered questions about their feelings, mood, and happiness. At the beginning and the end of the experiment, they also filled out surveys about their anxiety and depression.

The diet group only managed to add one extra serving of fruit and vegetables to their daily diet. But that made a difference: Compared to everyone else, they had more energy, curiosity, creativity, and motivation; and they felt more engaged and purposeful in their lives overall—a greater sense of flourishing.

Surprisingly, though, the diet didn’t seem to change their mood or their feelings of depression and anxiety. That might be because the experiment was so short, the authors believe; while diet can give us a positive boost pretty quickly, it’s possible that mental health problems take longer to show up.

“The accumulation of factors such as low vitality, reduced motivation, and poorer socio-emotional flourishing may precipitate the development of psychological ill-being over time,” write researcher Tamlin S. Conner and her colleagues.

Similarly, in a short pilot study from 2011, a Mediterranean diet seemed to boost people’s feelings of contentment—but didn’t improve their depression or anxiety.

Twenty-five women were surveyed on their feelings of depression, anxiety, anger, calm, and contentment. Some continued eating as usual for 10 days, while the rest adopted a Mediterranean diet (this time with no red meat). After another round of surveys, the researchers found that the women on the Mediterranean diet felt more content.

“The nutrients consumed in everyday diets are important for individuals’ mood,” write Laura McMillan and her colleagues.


Of course, this was a very small study—and the women may have simply felt satisfied about doing something good for their health. Indeed, in a few other studies, a healthy diet didn’t make people happier. For example, following a Mediterranean diet for 12 weeks didn’t seem to boost people’s mood, well-being, or sense of self-efficacy compared to receiving social support.

Despite how catchy it sounds, it might be too early to say that any particular diet is going to bring us happiness.

Eating for Well-Being

So, how should all this research inform our grocery list?

Most researchers are only willing to say that diet does seem to influence our mental health in some way, although they’re not sure exactly how. “There’s no real evidence to suggest that one diet works better than another,” says Firth.

However, the big picture is reasonably clear: Try to get enough fruits and vegetables—and avoid junk food.

Supporting that perspective, one paper reviewed the results of another 16 studies and found no differences between two relatively healthy diets. People who were eating a typical Western diet of fast food, salty snacks, desserts, and soft drinks became more depressed over time. But eating a classic healthy diet high in fruit and vegetables, seafood, and whole grains or a more Mediterranean diet—which includes lots of olive oil and more legumes, meat, dairy, and alcohol—both seemed to protect against depression.

Since many of the research findings are stronger for women, Firth does have one further tip.

“If you’re female, then you will benefit from adopting a healthier diet in general and you don’t need to worry about what type of specific diet you’re adopting,” he says. “If you’re a man and you’re not overweight, probably don’t bother.”

In other words, at least as far as our mental health goes, we can stop obsessing about having a perfectly consistent diet—or whether we should go paleo or keto—and instead focus on cultivating healthy but sustainable eating habits. That’s the area where Firth wants to see more research, too, to figure out how to help people make lifestyle changes that last.

“It’s more important to actually stick to any healthy diet than it is to try and go for some aspirational perfect one that’s ultimately unfeasible or disgusting for you to stick to,” he says.

This article was adapted from Greater Good, the online magazine of UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center, one of Mindful’s partners. View the original article.

The post What Is the Best Diet for Mental Health? appeared first on Mindful.



from RSSMix.com Mix ID 8196908 https://www.mindful.org/what-is-the-best-diet-for-mental-health/

Friday, 20 September 2019

True Happiness: Realizing Well-Being


Well being is the deep contentment that arises from a relaxed, wakeful presence. This talk explores the beliefs and habits that contract us away from presence, and several key ways we can nourish our natural capacity for happiness.

Happiness cannot be found through great effort and will-power, but it’s already here in relaxation and letting go. Don’t strain yourself. There’s nothing to do. Let the game happen on its own, springing up and falling back, without changing anything. Waiting to grasp the ungraspable, you exhaust yourself in vain. As soon as you relax this grasping, space is there, open, inviting and comfortable. Nothing to do. Nothing to force. Nothing to want. Everything happens by itself.
Lama Gendun Rinpoche


View or download the transcript (PDF) of “True Happiness: Realizing Well-Being”


May all beings everywhere discover the true happiness that is their innate potential.
May all beings rest in that well-being-ness.
And may, from that presence, may there be peace, love and freedom.
May all beings awaken.
May all beings everywhere be free.
Namaste

The post True Happiness: Realizing Well-Being appeared first on Tara Brach.



from RSSMix.com Mix ID 8196908 https://www.tarabrach.com/true-happiness-well-being/

Mixing Meditation and Magic Mushrooms?

In recent years psilocybin has become the focus of a new wave of research. Neuroimaging and behavioral studies show that psilocybin-assisted therapy may help to ease mood disorders like depression and anxiety, and enhance forgiveness, acceptance and gratitude.  In the past, even Harvard University had a Psilocybin Project, where famed researchers Timothy Leary and Richard Alpert (more commonly known as spiritual teacher Ram Dass) conducted experiments (sometimes on themselves) to test its effects.

Now, in a new study from the University of Zurich published in NeuroImage, scientists explore whether combining meditation with psilocybin—the chemical in magic mushrooms—may impact brain function and alter self-consciousness even after the high is gone.

Understanding the Effects of Mushrooms

In the University of Zurich study, 38 experienced adult meditators were randomly assigned to either a psilocybin or placebo control group. They then participated in a five-day, silent group meditation retreat. On day four, each received either a dose of psilocybin or a placebo (lactose). 

Before and after the retreat, members of both groups completed questionnaires about their experiences and perceptions, and underwent an fMRI brain scan. During the scan they were asked to perform three different types of meditation with their eyes closed–resting state, focused attention and open awareness. Each type of meditation was practiced for seven minutes. Four months later they filled out a survey about changes in their attitudes, moods, behavior, and social experiences.

What is even more remarkable is that experienced meditators in the psilocybin group reported better social functioning four months later.  

After the retreat, mushroom-assisted meditators reported less self-consciousness and more illusions and hallucinations than the control group. What’s more, their brains showed alterations in the functioning of the default mode network—a group of interacting brain regions linked to self-awareness and rumination—during open awareness meditation. This makes sense, given prior research showing that psilocybin and meditation can affect the brain in similar ways, and one of those ways is to create a feeling that a person’s self-conscious awareness is dissolving

What is even more remarkable is that experienced meditators in the psilocybin group reported better social functioning four months later.  

Of course, neither meditation nor hallucinogen use are one-size-fits-all, and not everyone will experience benefits. The authors of the study caution that the use of mind-altering drugs in people who are either unprepared or with medical histories may do more harm than good. 

The post Mixing Meditation and Magic Mushrooms? appeared first on Mindful.



from RSSMix.com Mix ID 8196908 https://www.mindful.org/mixing-meditation-and-magic-mushrooms/

Thursday, 19 September 2019

Reflection: Pausing and Deepening Attention in the Face of Attachment (10:48 min.)


In this short reflection, we explore how we can bring mindfulness and self-compassion to the habits of obsessing, over-consuming and hurting ourselves and others that keep us from true happiness, connectedness and peace.

The happiness we seek is available in the moments when there is really no clinging, there is simply openness and presence and ease.

Listen to the full talk, “The Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Working with Attachments and Addictions.”

Without desire everything is sufficient.
With seeking myriad things are impoverished.
Plain vegetables can soothe hunger.
A patched robe is enough to cover this bent old body.
Alone I hike with the deer.
Cheerfully I sing with village children.
The stream under the cliff cleanses my ears.
The pine on the mountain top fits my heart

Zen Poet, Ryokan

The post Reflection: Pausing and Deepening Attention in the Face of Attachment (10:48 min.) appeared first on Tara Brach.



from RSSMix.com Mix ID 8196908 https://www.tarabrach.com/reflection-pausing-attachment/

Wednesday, 18 September 2019

Three Practices to Shake Up Your Routine

On the daily grind, life can get bland—downright boring, when you think about it. Boredom is a sign that we’ve become habituated. When we get stuck on autopilot, we lose touch with actual experience—which can always be interesting if we bring our curiosity to it.

For a moment, stop thinking and drop into your senses instead. By helping us shift our state of mind from thinking to sensing, these practices invite us to rediscover interest, beyond our expectations.

Three Practices to Shift out of Autopilot

Linger on each step for at least three minutes. Once you’ve got the hang of dropping into each sense in turn, try opening to all of the senses together at moments of so-called boredom in life, such as when washing up, standing in a queue, or stuck in a long meeting. Can you offer a full, embodied interest to the people and places around you, as well as what’s going on in your mind and body?

1. See with new eyes

Take a familiar object from your home (such as a mug you’ve owned for years, an old photograph, a piece of clothing, or furniture) and examine it as if you’ve never seen it before.

Let your thoughts about the object drop into the background as you offer it your full attention. Is there something you’d forgotten or never noticed before, or is your experience or reaction altered by your interest?

2. Notice how objects feel

Now, take a different object and this time offer attention to its texture, touching it as if for the first time. Or you could choose to work with an inner feeling, directing awareness to a part of your body, noticing what sensations (if any) are present. In either case, notice how the experience feels right now, as you interact with it.

3. Try hearing, smelling, and tasting anew

Now, take your attention in turn to three everyday objects in your environment that you can hear, smell, or taste (for example, the ticking of a clock, a flower, a piece of fruit). Let go of expectations, and instead allow your senses to lead you into the direct experience of hearing, smelling, or tasting itself.

The post Three Practices to Shake Up Your Routine appeared first on Mindful.



from RSSMix.com Mix ID 8196908 https://www.mindful.org/awaken-interest-5-senses-practice/

Tuesday, 17 September 2019

Three Ways to Raise Empathic Kids So They Become Compassionate Adults

In this series of articles, we have been examining how mindfulness can sometimes inadvertently reinforce the self-centeredness and self-absorption of our current times and how we may counter this through compassion in action. We need to remind ourselves that the true roots of mindfulness and compassion are intended to relieve the suffering of others as much as ourselves.

In exploring the ways that we can direct compassion to others, what better way than to consider children. Endeavoring to raise an empathic child who is attentive to others helps build a better community and counters the “me” culture that is so prevalent today. Further, considering how to make the children in our lives better people helps us reflect on how we ourselves can be more compassionate.

Considering how to make the children in our lives better people, helps us reflect on how we ourselves can be more compassionate.

Michelle Borba is an educational psychologist and expert in parenting, bullying, and empathy, and author of many books on character development in children, the most recent being UnSelfie: why empathic kids succeed in our all-about-me world (Simon & Schuster, 2016).  In her  work, she outlines current research on empathy in children and how we might cultivate kindness and caring in kids at different ages. She cites studies that show teens score 40% lower in empathy and are 58% more narcissistic than 30 years ago. Along with this, research shows increases in school and internet-based cruelty and bullying along with more cheating and less moral reasoning. Borba talks about the “Selfie Syndrome” as a form of growing narcissism in children and teens characterized by self-preoccupation, entitlement, difficulty taking responsibility and criticism, and feeling above the rules. This syndrome appears to be at least partially tied to our high pressure, media-saturated, high-tech culture. 

Teaching Kids Emotional Literacy

If empathy is feeling another’s suffering and compassion is the desire to alleviate it then empathy is the gateway and what may be the antidote to the Selfie Syndrome (in our children and ourselves). And encouraging empathy begins with the development of emotional literacy: recognizing, labeling and managing both our own and others’ feelings. This core skill is especially important for boys who, in our hyper-macho culture, show lower levels of emotional literacy than girls.

Here are a few simple ways to begin helping young children learn emotional literacy:

  1. Mastering one’s emotional ABC’s begins with talking about feelings from an early age and labeling and validating your child’s and others’ emotional states because labeling emotions assists with regulating them
  2.  Have young kids spend reflective time with babies, toddlers, and puppies who express their emotions in unfiltered ways;
  3. Teach children to read facial and other non-verbal emotional cues -show them emoji feeling charts, activities or have them watch Inside Out
  4.  Unplug from technology as much as possible, as increased screen time decreases the face to face socialization kids need to learn and practice emotional fluency. Emoji filled text messages of 160 characters or less don’t really convey true emotions and can be hard to read. 

Cultivating Perspective-Taking with Kids

In contrast to sympathy, in which one cares but does not necessarily feel another’s suffering, empathy involves perspective taking, wherein we begin to understand the thoughts, emotions, and needs of others, developing the ability to walk in their shoes. This skill paves the way for kindness, as well as supports learning how to compromise and resolve conflict. The component parts to seeing another’s point-of-view include paying attention to others through focused, attentive listening and reading non-verbal cues; identifying thoughts, feelings, motivations and intentions; and imagining the other person’s experience with consideration of its impact.  For example, if a child hurts another by name calling or taking away a toy, you might ask, “How would you feel if your friend did that to you?”

Here are a few ways to cultivate perspective-taking with children: 

  1. Practice compassionate limit-setting. Instead of condemning or condoning certain behaviors, help kids understand what others may feel as a result of their actionsFor example, you could say:, “What do you think Meghan feels like when you take her toy from her”. 
  2. Help children relate to other’s feelings using their own experiences. You could say something like: “Remember that time you were feeling hurt or angry about…”. 
  3. Read relevant books such as, Amos and Boris, Enemy Pie, Listening to my Body or Visiting Feelings (see this wonderful list of kids books that spark conversations about empathy.) 
  4. Despite our knock against screen time, it can be helpful to watch selected videos and then follow them up with reflective discussion on various character’s, emotions, thoughts, and motivations. (for example, for young children: Bush Baby is Happy & Sad or such shows as Clangers ; For older kids, movies like Inside Out and Wonder.

Nourishing a Strong Moral Compass

Another core skill for encouraging empathy is building a strong moral compass. As adults, we model our own ethical codes and values for the children in our lives, and we articulate the values of our family and community.  We also nurture and reinforce prosocial actions, like …. holding the door for strangers, volunteering in our community, helping a neighbor in need, donating our time or money, or going to a rally or demonstration. We are socializing our children with respect to what we consider right and wrong, focussing on both character and behavior; nurturing the traits of kindness, caring and generosity. When we praise our children for their displays of these behaviors, big or small, we reinforce the idea that their character and moral compass is as important as their scholastic, social and physical accomplishments. 

Raising empathic kids who grow into compassionate adults is not easy, especially when so many currents in contemporary society work against a focus on others and the importance of emotional intelligence.  it. With our cultural and political leaders increasingly, and unapologetically, acting in self-absorbed and self-serving ways, instilling in our children these skills of emotional literacy, perspective taking and developing a moral compass is one of the most radical, courageous, and hopeful things we can do for our future generations.   

The post Three Ways to Raise Empathic Kids So They Become Compassionate Adults appeared first on Mindful.



from RSSMix.com Mix ID 8196908 https://www.mindful.org/three-ways-to-raise-empathic-kids-so-they-become-compassionate-adults/

Monday, 16 September 2019

Caring for Yourself While Caring for Another

Lisa, whom I had just met at a conference, tearfully described to me her agony as sole caregiver for her disabled husband for 33 years. As I listened, her pain made me think of the burden that 34 million Americans caring for loved ones with dementia, disabilities, and other enduring illnesses carry. Most caregivers report significant stress, and that’s certainly consistent with my experience over the last seven years serving as the chief caregiver for my wife, Susan, who has Alzheimer’s.

The stress of caregiving is hard to bear. It leaves many of us heartbroken, overwhelmed, disoriented, and feeling inadequate. Even more sobering is the fact that this intense stress can spiral downward into burnout, marked by utter exhaustion, social isolation, despair—even hypertension, heart attacks, and death. 

Our biggest threat isn’t the constant stress, but rather the burnout we can inadvertently manufacture ourselves.

“Jerry, if you don’t care for yourself,” my wife’s physician warned me, “you’ll likely die before Susan.”  

Caregivers seek ways to stay alive, and self-care is the usual recommendation. But all too often our first impulse is to control our painful feelings, which can sidetrack self-care and make a hard job harder. It’s like scratching the itch of poison ivy, which can transform an irritation into a nasty wound. Similarly, we get hooked on self-defeating habits, which can transform stress into burnout. Surprisingly, our biggest threat isn’t the constant stress, but rather the burnout we can inadvertently manufacture ourselves. 

Three Common Self-Defeating Habits, and How to Overcome Them

The challenge for caregivers, then, is learning new habits aimed at making a hard job easier, not harder. Here are three common self-defeating habits, and healthy antidotes that address situation-made stress, dodge self-made burnout, and open the door to genuine self-care.

1. Resisting Painful Emotions

We ache to get rid of our upsets, so we often get hooked on things like burying difficult feelings, avoiding uncomfortable situations, or simply refusing to admit to ourselves that we’re in turmoil. Unfortunately, resisting painful emotions is like holding a beachball underwater: You can do it, but the constant effort involved can totally deplete our energy and time, as well as divert our attention from self-care

Instead, consider acceptance, which is allowing emotional pain to be just as it is in the moment, making space for upsets in private without acting out in public. It’s the difference between stepping back and being with our upsets versus just being our upsets. Mushy as it may sound, to feel it is to heal it.

2. Brooding

We aim to control our feelings through thinking, and willy-nilly we often get hooked on repetitive and incessant negative thinking—like rehashing past foul-ups or freaking out over imagined future calamities. Brooding is problem-solving run amuck in the dim back alleys of our hyperactive minds—and it can spiral downward into anxiety and depression, which can derail caregiving.

Instead, consider redirecting attention to the present moment. One way is to embrace what I call wholesome diversions, intentionally turning to activities that fully absorb our attention and embody what we value. Writing is my favorite; kayaking is another. We can change how we feel by changing what we do.  

3. Scolding Ourselves

We aim to control our pain by whipping ourselves into shape, so we mollycoddle our inner critic as it harshly berates us for falling short.  Caregivers need support, not tearing-down and piling-on—especially when frazzled and most likely to make mistakes. 

Instead, consider self-compassion, accepting our humanity and imperfections—and giving ourselves warmth and kindness, just as we would aid a needy friend. In tough moments, for example, I say to myself: “NO WONDER I got this wrong, given all the stuff on my plate.”  These two words, “no wonder,” are my secret sauce. 

These healthy antidotes to “scratching my itch” can be put into daily practice by learning three inner skills: stepping back and noticing the goings on inside our minds; detecting our unhelpful habits; and diverting attention to antidotes. These skills can be learned through mindfulness training, which teaches us ways to pay attention that enhance our awareness and perspective. 

Stress is a mighty burden for caregivers. But the good news is we can learn new ways to handle stress, avert burnout, and redirect our energy toward self-care and other fruitful outcomes. These new habits hold out hope—for Lisa, for me, and for other caregivers struggling to stay alive and sustain loving care. Even more, it’s liberating to know we can remain authors of our own lives, instead of victims of crushing circumstances, as we grapple with the death-defying journey of caregiving. 

The post Caring for Yourself While Caring for Another appeared first on Mindful.



from RSSMix.com Mix ID 8196908 https://www.mindful.org/caring-for-yourself-while-caring-for-another/

Friday, 13 September 2019

The Gift of Silence: Quieting the Mind


Through all spiritual traditions, there is a valuing of silence and stillness. When the mind has quieted, it becomes possible to see into the truth of what we are. Yet quieting can turn into a battle with the process of the thinking mind. This talk explores practices that allow us to settle in a natural way, the presence which is silence itself, and the wisdom and love that flows freely when we live from that silence (a favorite from the archives).

…may we all tap into the stillness and silence of our Being. ~ Tara

…perhaps a huge silence
might interrupt this sadness
of never understanding ourselves
and of threatening ourselves with death.
Perhaps the earth can teach us
as when everything seems dead in winter
and later proves to be alive.
~ Pablo Neruda

 

The post The Gift of Silence: Quieting the Mind appeared first on Tara Brach.



from RSSMix.com Mix ID 8196908 https://www.tarabrach.com/gift-silence-quieting-mind/

Using Mindfulness to Befriend All of Our Emotions

Thursday, 12 September 2019

Meditation: Awakening the Heart – Giving and Receiving Loving Blessings (10:59 min.)


Our hearts awaken as we express and receive love in an embodied, conscious way. This guided practice brings our attention to dear ones in our life, and explores how we discover deep communion through offering and letting in love.

NOTE: This meditation is a favorite from the archives – from the end of the talk, “Bodhichitta – The Awakened Heart – Part 2.

“To love someone is to learn the song in their heart and sing it to them when they have forgotten.” Arne Garborg

To offer these blessings of love, to receive them, wakes up the radiance of our heart – Bodhichitta.
We close in simple way by feeling that field of loving presence, that heartspace that we all belong to that’s really the source of our beings.
May all beings everywhere realize their very nature as loving presence.
May all beings live from loving presence.
May all beings touch a great and natural peace.
May all beings awaken Bodhichitta and be free.

Namaste

The post Meditation: Awakening the Heart – Giving and Receiving Loving Blessings (10:59 min.) appeared first on Tara Brach.



from RSSMix.com Mix ID 8196908 https://www.tarabrach.com/meditation-giving-receiving-loving-blessings/

Loving-Kindness Meditation May Protect Your Genes and Slow Aging

Wednesday, 11 September 2019

How to Be Mindful With Your Cravings

When it comes to the universally-not-so-fun experience of craving, it goes something like this: my old job gave me an iPhone to keep me in the loop, which soon led to the intense pleasure of flicking through the app store and downloading my first version of the game “Angry Birds,” which then sparked more cravings of app-related things.

My phone and I became fast friends—though I was a jealous, needy friend, and kept my iPhone clamped tight to my hip in a pouch, not unlike an old West gunslinger with his colt revolver. Ask my wife about my compulsive phone-checking at the dinner table and you’ll know a bit about what became my addictive cycle of non-work-related phone-fun (and suffering). Whether it be the mindless nudge toward your phone screen, a thick slice of cake, a cigarette, or various substances, craving is familiar to us all.

How the Brain Forms a Habit

Researchers like Judson Brewer at the Center for Mindfulness at the University of Massachusetts have studied the cycle of desire. Brewer and his colleagues have shown how addictions operate through a process of conditioning the brain:

  1. First, we sense objects of desire around us (e.g. TV, food, phones—selfies!, sex, etc.).
  2. Second, our brains link these up as either pleasant or unpleasant. We then end up craving the pleasant—even if it’s something like alcohol that, by itself doesn’t at first taste pleasant, we end up craving how it leads to both a pleasurable experience as well as taking away unpleasant things (like sadness or worry).
  3. Finally, the initial experience of satisfying a craving creates a new memory in the brain. We continue to seek out actions to satisfy the desire and thus an addictive pattern is born.

As Brewer points out in his new book, The Craving Mind, we are never in direct contact with the objects of our desires—only with mental representations of them in our minds. And it’s this fact that holds the promise of freedom from the destructive cycle of craving (particularly at the level of life-bleeding addiction). We can’t change the objects that trigger our desire—those cues will continue unabated and unbidden. But we can change how we relate to our mental experiences of them—the word thoughts, mental images, and bodily sensations of desire. “Craving is the link that is targeted here in cutting through the cycle of dependent origination” writes Brewer and colleagues.

Mindfulness could be the key to cutting the link between conditioned cues of desired objects and the craving that leads to addictive behavior.

Brewer’s research suggests that mindfulness is key to cutting the link between conditioned cues of desired objects and the craving that leads to addictive behavior. “Mindfulness functions to decouple pleasant and unpleasant experiences from habitual reactions of craving and aversion by removing the affective bias that fuels such emotional reactivity.”

Whereas more traditional or “relapse prevention” approaches to treating addictive craving focus on shifting the environment, problem solving, avoiding addiction cues, and boosting positive feelings, mindfulness offers the possibility of severing the cycle at its source in the brain, and treatment outcome studies in areas such as smoking cessation are increasingly bearing out the promise of this approach.

A Mindfulness Practice to Witness Your Cravings

Many modern cars have a navigation (“nav”) system built into them—devices meant to guide us in unfamiliar territory, and help us anticipate what lies ahead. Much like our always-thinking, and often-craving minds, nav systems are representations of reality—thoughts (including desirous ones) are meant to guide us toward something (or somewhere) we want, but they are NOT the real road itself.

With the practice below, you can begin to notice cravings (and mental images and thoughts in general) as mere nudges or cues from your internal nav system. You can learn to consult your nav (because desire isn’t necessarily always bad) when appropriate, and yet keep your focus on the road ahead.

When you find yourself lost in a sea of craving, try the following:

  1. Find a comfortable stable position, either seated, lying down, or even standing (because craving comes to us in all postures!) and observe the next several breaths.
  2. Bring your attention to the sensation of breathing, noting the rising of the in-breath and falling of the out-breath for a few moments.
  3. Acknowledge to yourself, “I’m having the thought that [insert desirous thought].” This will help you step back and watch the craving. Imagine that it’s the voice coming from your nav system—it’s telling you about a possible craving-related experience ahead. You don’t have to go in that direction though. You can simply note what the nav system of your car is saying and sit back and “watch” (the nav and the road!). This is very different than arguing with the craving, or trying to force it away.
  4. Take another breath and mentally place the thought on the screen (if it’s a mental picture) or imagine it as the voice of the nav system. Vividly imagine the shape, color, size, movement, and sounds of your craving. For a single, full, deep breath, just watch and listen to your craving. No need to debate it. It’s just there. . . . information being delivered to you, not your full reality.
  5. And now ask yourself: What will happen if I keep staring at the screen of my nav as I’m driving my life? How will things pan out? You’ll, of course, wreck the car! Are you willing to merely consult the nav (the cravings-filled thoughts and images—as we’ve discussed, they may actually be useful). Maybe there’s a wake-up call there as to something that would not just bring your pleasure, but might enliven your life, allow you to enjoy the ride?
  6. Are you willing to consider this desire in a balanced way? Is it something that makes sense to move toward, or are you feeling driven by it? Are you willing to not just listen to and watch your nav, but also take in the full truth of what’s happening both inside and outside the car—in the world around you? Are you willing to take it all in and then keep driving in a direction that really matters to? Maybe you’d go in the direction the nav points, and maybe not. You—the fully aware driver—get to decide.

The goal with this practice is to shift from a rigid frame of thinking to foster instead a more flexible relationship with your desires. This requires a lot of practice. To be of real benefit, this practice must become a habit. Such a habit will give you a measure of psychological freedom whether it be a mild chocolate impulse or an intense self-destructive urge.

Resilience in the Face of Cravings

When faced with a day’s activities and situations full of temptations (cake, drink, or something more of the libidinal variety), a torrent of thoughts run through the mind: Here we go again . . . I can’t believe I’m about to go down this road again! . . . Why do I always have to do this . . . It’s the weekend, I deserve to indulge . . . I’ll make it my New Year’s Resolution to stop . . . (Add your own examples, perhaps plus an expletive or two).

The pull of cravings (and the disruption this intense desire has on emotional, physical, relational, and perhaps financial well-being) suggests it may be important to get things on a less compulsive, more compassionate, and flexible track. The thoughts and mental images present themselves as real and in need of immediate gratification. “You need this now!” they scream. They often imply an absolute aspect of time with words like “never” and “always.” How effective are you when you get stuck thinking in these ways? Do thoughts infused with these characteristics help or hinder your ability to manage your daily life?

Mindfulness practice helps us learn to go behind the impulse and watch your own thinking, to notice that thoughts come and go on their own

An alternative is to build flexibility into how you relate to your own desirous thoughts. Instead of more junk calories, or another fling within a toxic relationship, what you need is a heaping helping of mindful awareness of thinking—of observing your own thoughts without buying into them as absolute truth or trying to force them away.

Try telling yourself not to think about a thick slice of chocolate cake. Do it right now. Don’t let yourself think about it, not even a little bit! Pointless, right? You can’t force thoughts away, particularly ones with the energy and momentum of desire behind them.

What’s more helpful is to build your capacity to serve as a witness to your own thoughts. Can you notice yourself thinking right now? Pause and try it. Can you observe your own inner voice? The moment you try to do so, you are mindful of your thoughts, instead of being the thoughts. Typically, when we think about something we crave, that thought feels very close, as if it’s inside us, part of who we are. Mindfulness helps us see the thought as merely a moment of information. It’s just a thought. Just one of the thousands our minds churn out on a daily basis.

Mindfulness practice helps us learn to go behind the impulse and watch your own thinking, to notice that thoughts come and go on their own. This sounds simple, yet takes considerable practice. Like bubbles you’ve blown, thoughts are just there. They float around a bit and eventually drift away and pop.

References

Brewer, Judson et al. (2012). Craving to quit: Psychological models and neurobiological mechanisms of mindfulness training as treatment for addictions. Psychology of Addictive Behaviors, 1-14.

Brewer, Judson (2017). The Craving M­­ind. Yale University Press.

Harris, Russ (2008). The Happiness Trap. Trumpeter Publishing.

Wilson, Kelly & DuFrane, Troy (2012). The wisdom to know the difference: An acceptance and commitment therapy workbook for overcoming substance abuse. Oakland: New Harbinger.

The post How to Be Mindful With Your Cravings appeared first on Mindful.



from RSSMix.com Mix ID 8196908 https://www.mindful.org/how-to-be-mindful-with-your-cravings/

Tuesday, 10 September 2019

Do This in the Morning for a Better Workday

Work life and home life have become blurred. Even after the workday ends, many of us feel a compulsion to continue checking emails and ruminating about work-related problems, worrying about how we will get everything done.
 
In response, we’re advised to detach from work—to turn off our work brain at 5 o’clock, and take time to be present with our friends and family or engage in hobbies. But as beneficial as this can be, completely detaching can make it more challenging to motivate ourselves and focus when we return to work. After a relaxing evening or jam-packed, adventurous weekend, how do we get back into work mode the next morning?

A new study suggests that people who have mentally prepared for and thought about the upcoming workday—or “reattached” to work—have a better work experience, because they start the day off more in touch with their work goals.

People who have mentally prepared for and thought about the upcoming workday—or “reattached” to work—have a better work experience, because they start the day off more in touch with their work goals.

Researchers recruited 151 people from a diverse range of careers and emailed surveys to them each morning for one work week. People were considered to be more reattached to work when they agreed with statements like, “This morning, I gave some thought to the upcoming workday,” or “This morning, I thought about what I wanted to achieve at work today.” People also indicated how much energy they felt to pursue work goals, how excited or inspired they felt, and how much they anticipated being able to focus at work.

In the afternoon, researchers sent out a second wave of surveys to capture how much support participants felt they received from their colleagues, how self-determined they felt around making decisions that work day, and how engaged they felt at work.

Analyses of these surveys found that reattaching to work led to a cascade of positive experiences during the day. The process may play out like this: Taking time to reattach to work helps our work goals to become more salient, which energizes us to focus. When we consider how to achieve our goals, we become more aware of our autonomy to accomplish them, as well as the resources and people we have supporting us. All of these factors contribute to feeling more inspired and engaged at work—which, other research suggests, is important for productivity.


While many factors outside of our control—like our work environment—play a role in how engaged we feel at work, reattaching to work is something that we can practice any given morning to make our workday better. 

Three Mindful Prompts to Reattach to Work

Reattaching to work can mean briefly reflecting just after leaving the house, while we’re on our commute, or when we sit at our desk before we begin working. What does it entail? This study doesn’t answer that question definitively, although the researchers suggest that it could include planning your activities and envisioning the flow of your tasks for the workday.

Based on the way reattachment worked in the study, though, we can imagine a few questions that might be helpful. Consider reflecting on or writing down answers to these questions when you are ready to reattach to work.

1. Why does the work I do matter to me? How does my work impact the lives of others? 

Reflecting on your answers to these questions allows you to become more in touch with your work goals and the motivating sense of purpose that you derive from work. For some people, the answers may come naturally, while others may be left blank. It’s okay if you don’t have an answer right off the bat. Even when we don’t think our work is inherently meaningful, research suggests we can give it meaning by finding an answer to these questions. For example, a bus driver might find purpose in providing mobility to people in their community.

2. Who are the people—both at work and in my personal life—who support me and my professional success? 

At times, many of us feel isolated and even overwhelmed by our work tasks and responsibilities. In those moments especially, bringing to mind the people who support us can help relieve stress and make us feel more capable and confident about what we are trying to accomplish. Consider a friendly colleague who is always willing to help or eager to bounce ideas around. Alternatively, think about someone outside of work, like a close friend who is there when things are stressful and happy for you when things are going well.

3. What would I like to focus on today? 

Reflect on a goal or task you would like to accomplish today. For example, a teacher may have a certain number of papers they are aiming to grade, or a software engineer may intend on fixing a bug in their code. When you first think of this task, you may feel stress or apathy. Reattaching to work involves acknowledging and even embracing these feelings—and then trying to visualize yourself doing this task in a calm, focused, and productive way. Anticipating being focused and engaged in your work can help you to realize that vision. 

Taking time to reflect on what we do, why we do it, and how we might approach our work today can help bring our full focus to our aspirations at work, as opposed to leaving our thoughts on the weekend or just going through the motions. Whatever you do for work, consider answering these questions—or simply taking a moment of reflection and intention—at the start of your workday. Hopefully you’ll find that doing so helps to ease the transition back into your work flow, and contributes to what you accomplish at work.

This article was adapted from Greater Good, the online magazine of UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center, one of Mindful’s partners. View the original article.

The post Do This in the Morning for a Better Workday appeared first on Mindful.



from RSSMix.com Mix ID 8196908 https://www.mindful.org/do-this-in-the-morning-for-a-better-workday/